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Love

I really have been thinking what love is about, everyone says they know what love is about? But the question is do they know what it is? Yes everyone knows what love is, but it's different for everyone, every feeling is different for every person in this world, but the only thing I can say that we all can feel when we are in love is happiness, loads of happiness as the other person makes us complete in a different way than our friends does. 

I will tell you what I have been taught about love, what my feelings are, what my heart says and all that, all I want is for you all to remember that I am just a normal person that try to look in to things with different eyes, and see from the third part, well I am here to write now, hope you will enjoy thins post. 

So how will I start this post really maybe I shall begin with the past so you all can see the point that I've been taught, and what I have experience in my short life. 

Well I liked a boy there is the first difference I really should have known from the start, I liked a boy that was named Mikael, the thing was that I really knew that he didn't like me at all, he never looked at me at the same way as I was looking at him, all those dreams I had of him in school, I am actually so grateful I had them as they helped me to get through they day, as my high school days wasn't the best. Well the thing is that I can still be feeling really stupid I was as you all say it unhappy in love as we can name it, but the thing is when I think about it it really helped me to realise that I want someone that sees me, the real Johanna, the person that smiles to goofy things, the person that cries to sad movies, the person that actually do feel hurt when someone says mean things, I am human, not as most people think I am, can take anything and just smile. 

Well I did like this boy a long time, but he was the reason I know what love is about today, as I know what I was looking for in the other person, well it's true that you actually know when you have found the real one, and I will come to that later in this post. 

Somehow I met a boy called Jonas, that was a jerk right out he was the biggest jerk in this world, I did tell him I love him, but the thing is that he just said it back to get what he wanted from me, and honestly I did love him in a strange way, but not for the right reasons, I just wanted someone to be there with me. I wasn't feeling good with him, I have realise that later on, and to be honest when he told me what he has told me afterwards I am amazed we can be friends, after all that is how we started our thing, to be friends and to be friends is what we should be. 

Than somehow I met Michael, I got so confused, nothing made sense. The feelings I felt I had never felt, I tried to hide the feelings and trust me it didn't go well at all, but the thing is that Michael makes me feel so alive, in every single thing, he has taught me that it's not dangerous to hug people, to let people in to your life, and mostly when I am with him my world stops for just a second and I feel so happy. I know that when you feel like the world is stopping you actually have found the right one, the one that you were meant to be with for the rest of your life. It's not a competition to be in love or that, love is that you respect the other person, and to let the person do things, even if you don't like them, you should  support the person no matter what.  You can't tell the other person to be something who he isn't if you try to do that you are not truly in love with the person, as you are trying to change the person you falled in love with. 

The other thing that amazes me with love is that you can tell the other person what ever you want and that person doesn't judge you they tend to tell you that everything is going to be fine, and makes you see the positive thing in the bad things that happens to you during the day, and the other person is always trying to make you smile just a little bit because when you see the person you love smile you really just know that you have made your own day, as you see the person you love smile to the things you have done, it can be easy things that makes the other persons day. I know people say that you learn love from your parents and that is true because they are there to guide you through life, or they are meant to be there to teach you about things like love, respect, what is right and wrong etc. 

You have two kinds of love in your life, that first love is for your family, that is mum, dad, grandmother's, grandfather's, siblings, and even your aunts and uncles, then you have the other kind of love that makes you smile, that makes you shy even if you aren't shy, the person that makes you smile, the person that makes your world stop, and the person you want to start your own family with so you can teach your kids everything you have been taught. 

Love is not a easy thing, it is hard, but when you have find the love of your life never let that person go, there is no one else that can make you feel as that person makes you feel. 

-Jo

...

So today I will just write about things that actually I have learn about myself this last year, I have way to much time on my own, that is bad as I start to think loads, and when I think it's bad as I analyze things to the little term you can think. I would really just not be that much of a person that think like a mathematics, trust me if I had the solution on my own problem I would have done that ages ago, solve my own problem. 



What I mean is that I have seen people just starting to stop talking to me, I mean my friends, somehow they just don't want to be my mates anymore. As soon as I told them I have apply for university law, they all said bye to me, somehow they just say that it's wrong to become a lawyer, but that is what I really want to be come, I really want to become that, have been dreaming of that since I was 8 years old. I remember that they teacher asked us when I was in year 2 in school what do you want to become when you grow up, and I was not even doubting that I wanted to become a lawyer so hopefully I come in so I can achieve my biggest dream. 




I am tired that people see me as the stupid person, they never say I am good at anything, but mostly I am the person that always comes up with everyone's solutions, oh yeah I do see the solution in problems sometimes, but i rarely talk when I don't see the solution, and you of all know that if you have a problem you always come to me, as I tend to help you even if you are an idiot, but when my mates need me I am there to help them, but who is there for me when I need help? who can help me to shut down my own brain? 




People always say that I should do that or this, but I really don't want that, if I would have done what people want me to do, I would have lost myself so many years ago, and honestly I have almost lost myself once, and that is never going to happen again, I am stronger than to lose myself again. 




The thing that most of my mates think they know about me is that I am not scared of things, and honestly I am scared of more things than you ever will know, it's time to be the real Johanna that is more or less afraid of things, that will piss you off more than anything, So from now on I can't drink from the same glass if I have drank from it before, I don't share my sweets, my crisps, or my popcorn as I can die from the bacteria's you have, you might have HVI? who knows better to be safe than unsafe, I can't open doors, or touch anything outside, no I am past that all, and it took ages to take me down to just be a control freak when it comes to the bathroom, if you have a dirty bathroom I would never sit down and pee there, I would wait until I am home as I have always a clean toilet. 


Why is it wrong to like Maths, Physics, politics, and even laws? I know most people don't like that, but honestly I can calculate how much Money I need to have on my bank to survive for the rest of my life can you do that? I do like shopping, and I love shoes, but sometimes I buy shoes just to make myself happy, as it gives me happy emotions. 


Oh I have found a cheap gym I am actually thinking of starting to go back to old Johanna, the person that loved to train and run and swim, so honestly I am slowly finding back to my old self but a better version, I can talk about feelings now, and I am not that scared of things anymore, that I was when I was the old Johanna. 

Things I guess

I really don’t know how to write this as I feel so hurt because people has put their so called nice nose in some things, and now I really just have to tell everyone that will know who they are, as that is what this post is about, yeah you who really do hurt me and you probably don’t even realise that.

The first thing is you really can’t tell me if I have done the right or wrong choice you are my friends there for you should accept what I do, you can tell me that you think I have wrong but you can never tell me that I can do it or not, for fucks sake I have never been this angry as I am now, because how much you think you know what is best for me you don’t know that. I know that myself.

Then for the other thing, who gave you the right to say that I fake my feelings for my own fiancée, come on you really can’t fake those feelings, not those I have, I have one mate that actually says I glow when I start to speak about Michael I get so happy and so calm, and actually she has told me that, it is probably one of the best choices I have done, to let down the walls around my heart, as I have been a cold bitch, but honestly when you fall in love as I have done, it only grows, so I really don’t understand how some people can have told that I was faking my feelings for my boyfriend, that is just so strange as I show what I feel. If I hate you, honestly you would know that, and if I like you, you know that too, and you actually have to have met me to know if I do like you or not, otherwise you are clueless.

I have a thing that I actually do want my mates to do but they never do it anyway, as I know some of you do speak shite behind my back, why the hell can’t you stand for what you have been saying about me, I mean if you say that I am bitch that fakes my feelings, why not tell me that? No you have to talk to others about it! Honestly you don’t even know what a friend is as you do that, you say you are my friend and yet you do something like that, and if you think I am a whore, why not tell me, why is it so hard to tell me the truth about what you have said, You say I am retarded okay that is not even funny anymore, people should stand for what they say, I can tell you everyone how I feel for you and have done as I stand for what I have said and all that.

Then to the other thing that actually bothers me that is when I really needed a friend most turned their backs away from me, with all bullshit and not supporting me, when I was sad about one thing, one person actually told me that everyone else knew that he played with me, and that he never loved me, why the hell didn’t you tell me that from the begging you just played along in the sick game, oh wait what did happen in the end?  I really am so angry at people that they can’t stand for what they say or do, honestly I really don’t need you in my life, I am sick of you all trying to control me and all that.

Than the worst thing is when some of my mates says that my fiancée is bad for me, as things that has happen in the past, but honestly you really don’t know how complete I do feel when I am with him, I feel like my last piece of the puzzle has come to the right place, honestly if you think I would choose you over my fiancée you are stupid as I would choose the person that makes me happy, complete, and mostly feel calm, and makes me smile. There is your answer I really don’t care about you as much as I care for the person I truly love.

I can go on and on, but honestly who is a real friend? It’s someone that would cry with you when something bad has happen, someone that gets you up from the black hole you might be in, it’s someone that would help you no matter what you have done, even if you are wrong, and mostly a friend supports you no matter what.

-Jo