My mates request...

I have something’s I have promise to talk about, as my friends want to read about so I will actually write about that, they want me to tell them what I think about having a ”friends with benefits!, ”distance relationship” and some random questions i have got.

Let me start with the first subject friends with benefits what I can say about that, I have had that and it is not good to have it. Well the thing is you always get feelings or someone of the friend gets, I mean it should just be about having sex but honest it doesn’t work like that. It is hard to just be a friend with benefits I mean the other one might just call you like 7 pm and say I want to have you right now, get ready. That is nothing you shouldn’t have if you aren’t ready for sex. I choose to have my ex as it was easiest to have someone I knew that I knew I wouldn’t get feelings for. Mostly because I was so over my ex as you could be, but then I wanted to have sex ‘cause I like that. I am not ashamed to confess that now either.

But now to what you want to know with that relationship is that it is twisted and you really don’t know if you are together or not, but I said clearly that I wasn’t together with him, and we will never be that either. But the others saw us like a couple but we weren’t a couple. Anyway I wish that I didn’t take him as a friend with a benefit since I know it is wrong, and I would say to everyone that ask me if they should take a friend with benefit to pass it, it is complicated and bad…

Now to the other thing, distance relationship honest I would say they are best because you really need to trust your boyfriend complete if you are having trust issues you can’t have a distance relationship. But the time you spend when you actually are with each other will be more special because you will take every single moment and treasure it as it was the last day you are living. I know that you really treat each other much better when you start off with a distance relationship because you take the time to get to know the other person, you talk lots on phone, skype, msn and then when you meet you will walk on the beaches, go to the cinema, go shopping together, play games, be nerds with each other. When you meet each other every single day you really want to spend time alone without your loved one, you don’t take time to get to know the person since you think I can do that tomorrow.

Well I know that you have to make the effort no matter what relationship you are in, you have to work for it to work.

Now to the so good questions my crazy mates want me to answer. ´

Why do you think you are ugly?

Honest, I don’t think I am ugly, I just say so you all other can feel pretty I know I am pretty and beautiful. Then there is one more thing I love to piss you off it is fun to see you trying to convince me that I am beautiful.

Why do you tend to dance on bar disks?

Easy question to answer it is because I know for a fact that I will get free vodka and champagne ‘cause I shake my arse there, trough I don’t have to do that either to get free things, I just have to blink with my eyes and smile and say buy me something nice.

Why do you talk so much?

Because you never have anything to say, ha! You know if I talk I feel like I can talk about anything but you always just say okay let’s do something else, you need to do things and be happy. oh yeah I do love to talk..


/Johanna

Michael..

I thought people lied when they said that they feel warm all inside when they fall in love with the right person, that you can feel the butterflies in the stomach. I know that I should have listen to them because you do have butterflies when you are truly in love with someone. You can’t describe in words what the person means to you, what you feel for him/her. Honest that is the hardest part is to show the whole world what you feel, and trust me I do want to show the whole universe that I love you that I want to spend every second with you, I don’t want anyone else.

Somehow everything is written in the stars, what we shall do what happens in our lives. The only thing you know for sure is that you will die one day, and you should not be afraid of dying you should love to live, death is something we all are seeing and experience.

The hardest thing in life is to live, if you are like me afraid of thing, those things actually makes it hard to live. Because you do think about those things, I am so afraid of getting hurt that is actually one thing that I am so afraid of that I don’t open myself to so many people. But those that really sees the real Johanna knows who I am and I am not afraid of being her when I am with those that I trust and know that will not hurt me.

How come it is so much easier to show when you don’t like anyone, I mean there is one girl I don’t like and I show it really much too. Well I mean I have told that person that she is stupid to think others will like her because she treats other people bad, she don’t even realize that she might hurt the other person because she is so stupid. I have no trouble to say that to her and I can actually get really bitchy to her mostly because I despise her more than anything; I have no problems to show it to the world. I would be really happy if the rest of the world can see how she is as a person.

But now to the hard things to show love to the one you love. I can’t show it open I think I need to take that private. Mostly because it is so deep feelings behind that love, I can say I love you, but there are only you that knows what I feel for you entirely. You know that I become the little girl that gets so shy that I get speechless, but you also know that I can tell you what is on my heart, what is on my mind, and you will never ever judge me. You just say tell me everything, I have told you my thoughts my things and you have helped me so much.

The thing is that when I think about you I start to smile, and I feel completely warm in my body. I don’t feel scared when I think about the future, because I know that I want you in it, I want to share every second with you. I want to be the one that makes you feel good, the reason you smile, the reason you are happy, just the way that I feel for you. You are the reason I smile, you are the reason my eyes looks happy, the reason I feel completely happy inside.
I really don’t want to miss the chance to be happy, and I don’t want to miss any kiss from you, I don’t want to fall asleep because it will be 7 hours without you and those 7 hours I could hug you, show you how much I love you. I am afraid that there is not enough time to show you how much I truly love you Michael there will never be a time where I don’t show you how much I love you, I would go to every country and tell everyone that I love you.

I want you to be beside me when I am lying on the ground, watching up to the sky in the night, watching up to the star. I want you to be beside me when I walk on the beach while it is sunset, I want you to hug me tight and whisper to my ear how much you love me, because at that moment I will be the little girl that I can be. I want you to be the person that saves me when I am about to fall in to a dark hole that I can’t get up from. The day we all girl dreams about I want to happen with you, and when I walk down the aisle I want you to lose your breath because I am so beautiful.

When we are watching the stars together I want to lie on you and look deep in your eyes, and tell you look at the sky there is not enough stars to tell you how much I love you, there is not enough stars in the universe to show you how happy my heart is to have you as my sweetheart Michael, I truly love you and I want to spend every single moment with you. I will never be cold, because all I have to think about is you to get warm again.

So with this post I have showed people, a part of how much I truly love you Michael, and there is not enough words to show it, trust me I know!

I love you Michael,

Yours, Johanna

my confession.... or some parts...

This is my confession no one else, no one else do know what is going on in my head, what I am worried about, what I am going through. So my blog is here to clear something you might not know about me and my life what has made me the person I am today, the person I was before, and what I want to become.

So let me start with the things before today, you don’t know how it is to be living in a country where you never feel welcome, where you every day have to hear go back to your own damn country, I am home I was born in Gothenburg, but I will never be Swedish according to some people, I know this is silly but this has been my reality. I always heard things I didn’t want to hear about myself, that I was ugly, people can never love me for who I am, people will always hate me. I don’t like my past I try to not to talk too much about it because it makes me remind me of a time I really don’t want to remember.

Well then I think of those things that actually has been good in my past like my heart operation even if there happen things I never want to remember that I will always remember, I woke up when they did the operation, the memories are painful but they are good in the end..

Those things I want for the future is things that I know I can get because people don’t realize that they have made me stronger than I was when you said those things to me, those things made me stronger than anything in this world, so I shall thank you for making me who I am today.

Well if you want to change things in your life as I want you need to look where you are in the present if you want to kick out people from your life you need to kick them out today not tomorrow or wait because than you will never kick them out. If you need a change you need to change the things today, then you know that you are in the right path of the road you want to go on.

You never do mistakes you learn from the things you have made, and they make you stronger, well I name this as my confession I have learned so much this year, you really have to change things when they are in the present, and I have done that I have kicked out so called friends, that made me feel bad inside. The funny thing is that they haven’t realize that I have kicked them out I have just stopped to talk to those I don’t want in my life, there are some people I don’t want in my life but I talk to them because they need me more than anything, I always hear them say Johanna, I need help, but they don’t understand that I need help sometimes.

Where are you when I need to talk, I have a confession to make, I am not the strong person you think I am, I am a little girl inside. I need help, I need to talk, I am breaking apart things gets too much sometimes but there isn’t anyone that listens to me, well there is of course someone that do listen to me, but that is not fair on who it is. Always have to listen to my problems, my deepest thoughts.

When will people learn that I am not as strong as you think I am...

//Johanna

heart

I really hate that everything hurts so damn much, really why the hell would every disease hurt so damn much.

I have been really ill this winter and guess what in our water it has been Legionella that is really bad I know that, when you start to read what you can have when you have it everything seems like I have it. Well just say that it is not normal to wake up with headache that is so hard that you want to cry like a baby, nothing seem to help. Well honest I am happy that I don’t have anything else at least more than hard to breath and I have got sick lately very much.

Well now to this morning, I really had so bad headache and my arms I didn’t have any feelings in them, so this I guess is something that has with the heart to do, as I have really hard to talk about this, but I have to big heart. All I know is that it will make me a bit more tired than I am normally but I should not be ill like get fevers and stuff like that, well this morning I promise I had a heart attack, trust me I know when I have it since I have had some already like five times before well this morning I had one. But thank god I didn’t have to go to the hospital tho I should go really, well tomorrow I have doctors I have to talk to them about that..

But this is the hardest part for me, people always tell me to make a new heart operation, but I don’t want to take one, and I know the reason why I don’t want to take one, I will tell you now that because I don’t want to hear from anyone that I have to take the operation it should be MY CHOICE since it is MY BODY. Well as you know I have operate my heart when I was five years old, but the thing is that I have never ever told what I remember about the operation time, I always say I have forgot it but honest you can’t never forget about it.

Well I do remember that when they put me on the narcoses they asked me to count to ten but I probably got to 30 before I went to sleep as I counted a bit faster then I should have done. Well I do remember counting but then I also remember how I saw in to my chest when it was open, I saw my heart my body inside, because they had got some complication so I had to little narcoses, I think the boy before me died, but anyway I did wake up when they did the operation when they were making my heart better, when you are a kid you don’t want to see things like that, I saw my own heart I am happy I saw it when I was a kid because if I would see it today in grown age I would die from the chock, and that scares me what if I wake up again when they are trying to fix me?

Then today they don’t use narcoses in Sweden they use like local anesthesia and that is bad, because I had it on my hand when they operate it and I felt everything since it didn’t take, and trust me I don’t want to feel when they do my heart either so please stop asking me to take the operation, I know people want me to take it but honest I am too scared to take it, I am scared they will find other problems in my heart when they are doing stuff to help me. Well today I know I am ill and there for I think what I do, I don’t tend to drink so much, I try not to get ill because when I get ill I really have a hard time to do things, and stuff, but people do not understand that. I mean I can’t do things as I want I am not good, I know I am sick I have a bad heart, it is too big, the blood is coming in to fast and goes out to fast, it goes to much blood inside it somehow, I can’t even be bother to know what is wrong with me because I try to think that if I don’t know what is wrong I can deny that I have a bad heart.

My biggest dream is to have kids, and I might not be able to get kids, and that is the worst thing that can happen that I can’t be a mother a loving mother to my kids. That tells them what they can do or not. I want my kids to be smart, and play some sport what sport it is I don’t care because as long as they do something I will be happy. If I get a girl she will never get to go on dates before she is 16 trust me I know that boys are idiots, and always just think on some other things.

But if I get boys I would probably want them to play football, handball or even ice hockey so I can scream at the other team, oh yeah I would actually do that, I support with all my heart, but I would be angry at them if they use girls, oh damn they would hear me moan more than anything that is a dream I have but you never know how your kids will turn out.

I will end this blog with something nice for once,

Stay with me, don’t fall asleep to soon the angels can wait, I need you beside me…

just some things i wanted to tell you..

I am sick of people in general they don’t respect other people! Uff the hard thing is when you have to talk to those people that doesn’t respect you as a human, or the person you are..

I want to share something here on my blog, that makes me feel like I am a better person that people know about, I had a conversation to a girl the other night, I will not name names, but oh my god, that person wants to save something that you can’t save. I mean we talked and I said okay lets be honest for once, and I asked her have you ever talked bad about me? I really thought she would lie, but guess what she confess that she had talked bad about me, and still she doesn’t have anything against me, how the hell can you not have anything against me when you speak bad things about me? I think that person really need to think close to what she has said about me, because I know everything she has said, thanks to those that are my real friends has told me..

Well now to the conversation, I asked her do you really think that I would want someone like you in my life? In the life life of those I love? I know for a fact she knows I don’t like her, and when she just confess this I don’t like her at all everything that I might had that I might be able to like about here went down the toilett, well I can only speak to myself, but I don’t want people that talk trash in my life about myself, and honest she can moan and tell everyone I have talked bad about her, everyone else would know she is wrong, because I would never go to her level. I know what kind of person she is.

She would not respect that people are happy, she wants to drag you down always, and the worst part she thinks that she is the best. She is faithful and in every faith it says you should respect people no matter what, and she doesn’t do that, she just say people can do things wrong, oh yeah they can do that, but they don’t have to talk open and things like that, I am glad things are out in the open because she doesn’t know that I am far from done with her! She will have to stand for what she has done, it always comes back to you to haunt you!

Well that was the first subject now on to the other one I wanted to talk about..

It is people that is so false, they say up friendship when the other person has friends, lovers that they don’t like. Then they start oh the best part to talk shit about their friend because they have the person that they want to have in their lifes, honest you all show your real side and you do it really bad, if you don’t like the person that they want to have in their life you aren’t a true friend.

A true friend is someone that actually stands by you even when you mess up things, they choose to stand by you. I know for a fact I am a real friend, because my best friend oh yeah she actually choose to take a bad dad to her kid, and be with him in a relationship twice! Still I am her friend and I know she will listen to my opinion, but in the end it is her choice and not mine, but those that talks bad about their friends that they had aren’t a true friend. They don’t know what a friendship is about! They only causes drama, to other people, I know been there done that!

How can you as a friend even if you aren’t friends today talk bad about the person, you have shared good memories with the person, you have shared your opinions, your secret, I mean then you really show the others that they can’t talk with you because you are telling things to others, and want everything to be as you want them to be. I know some people will regret how they have treathed some people because when they realize what they have done it will be to late and they have lost a good person that might be the one that always stood by you no matter what.

Now to the third subject my ex boyfriend that doesn’t even know what he talks about.

I know that he is worried that I will get hurt, but it is my life, and I will still do what I think is right for me. J, you and me will never be together again, and I will never in my life marry you. Because I know for a fact that I don’t love you and I never loved you, well maybe in the beggining but not in the end, I cried more than I smiled, that is not a life. I knew you where cheating deep down, I will not blame everything on you but I should have left you so much earlier, and let myself be happy, but we had good times, and I will try to remember them, but honest you need to leave me alone, I don’t want you in my life at this point of my life.

You remind me of bad times and I don’t want to remember them, I have started to clean up my friends, and you are one that I don’t want to have left in my life, you have to respect that and so doesn L have to respect. I know you are mad because I choose to have F left but I like him as a friend, I miss him as my friend that wasn’t inlove with me, I hope that he will get over me, so we can go back to our friendship, when we played games, had fun. Today we can’t do that because he love me to much and I don’t love him in that way. Why can’t J understand me, I don’t want him to be a part of my life, I will probably never want him in my life, I want to remember the good times, as when we where in Marstrand walking and just had fun. Not when I was wondering if he loved me and cried myslef to sleep.

So J, if you are a true friend you know you have to let me go, since I don’t want you in my life anymore, and take L with you please! I do deserve to be happy as I am.

I really wish people can respect things, but the thing is that people are to stupid to understand when they hurt someone, and they do that without knowing it. I have hurt people lots, and I am sorry for hurting you. But you might have hurt me too, when I think about it it is better not to open yourself to so many people because they doesn’t respect you as you are anyway.

People should learn what respect is, what love is, and what honesty is.. when you know those things you can be my friend!

I don't say I am perfect because I am far from perfect!

/Johanna

Shite boys

Now to the thing I want to talk about are boys! ARGH they are stupid or some are… while I am writing this I will sing to the final countdown with Europe, my favorite song of all time, this is the first song I learned to sing, awesome right? I know!

Oh now to the thing, that actually piss me of really much is that one dude said this better too show you so you can see it:

Him : Snälla, kan du avbryta bröllopet ;) = please, can you cancel the wedding ;)

Me: Nope I will not cancel my wedding, I love my finance..
Hope your valentines day have been good

Him: Ok then unfortunately I'm in the waiting list :(

Me: I will never divorce him

Him: Ok I have a better idea there is a thing called open marriage I like it ;)

Me: I will have a close marriage...

Him: Come on take it easy u look very young and pretty u should enjoy ur time let's have some fun :-P

Now to my question why the hell would I want to have an open marriage as he say, for fucks sake when I get married I want to have one person for the rest of my life, and if I would divorce my husband (well that will never happen anyway) I would never ever take someone just for having someone, I would rather be alone and take care of myself and probably my children. I wouldn’t want someone else, honest my view of marriage is that you get married to that person you love, and that person that makes you feel complete, like the puzzle is done, anyway if you get divorced you will not get married again but you “might” find someone else but you would never love that person so much as you have loved that one you get married too. I really see marriage as something that will last forever, and yeah I do have my Christian’s views here and there is nothing no one can say that will make me change that. I mean I have friend that has been cheating while they have been married and then they have said that that they don’t hurt the other person because they have had it so bad. Well guess what you do hurt the other person, that one that you are married to!

But why can’t single guess respect that I am in a relationship, is it because I am blond, blue eyed or is there any other reasons, for that, honest I would want to know because when I had my hair brownish colored of course no one flirted with me as they do now! Uff I promise it is because I have my blond hair now, or that I am in a relationship, but when I think close about it, it has to be because I am blond, I have only problems when I am my original hair color.

Girls that is not blond, and blue eyed doesn’t understand how much trouble I have I was in spain when I was younger and if there hadn’t been Norwegian dude’s that helped me god knows what the other boys had done to me, they wanted to marry me, fuck me they were so rude to me, and they said blonds are more fun to fuck, strangely the boys from Norway helped me one said he was my boyfriend and told everyone to get the fuck hell away from me, then he gave me my bra to my bikini that I had dropped thanks to the waves out in the ocean.. Fun memory do I was so embraced because my bra was gone and one from Norway helped me, nice dude that boy.

Now I have to end this blog I really need a pee and have something to eat, Hope you have enjoyed this blog, and thank you my loving boyfriend for putting that dude to where he belongs, I love you <3

Valentine's crap

Valentine’s Day why do we celebrate that honest? I have been thinking of that the whole day, I mean it is something that is from the states that has come to Europe. Well that is how I think it is, but shouldn’t you be showing love every single day, to the persons you love, why should you be celebrate love for one day, give each other presents? Only a jippo I tell you!

I don’t know what is worse that you actually got flowers from two idiot, thank god they where yellow, and not so nice, well do I have to tell you where they went, oh yeah someone of the idiot has send chocolate to me, everyone that knows me knows I am allergic to it. It really sucks, oh yeah I do sound like a spoiled kid, but I DON’T WANT TO GET THINGS FROM THEM, I know who send me the things, because on the card they had written a note.

On the first one it stood like this, you are my sweet angel that I love so much; I want to share my life with you / J

And on the other card it stood, I love you and with these roses and chocolate I show you my true feelings / L

Well for the first L is trying to kill me, nice to know, and well why do they send me cards and presents when they aren’t even with me? They know for a fact I have a boyfriend that I love more than anything. Oh yeah they don’t know what respect is. They can really go to hell I don’t want to have anything to do with you two, please if you do love me as you say leave me alone.
Well I will actually not write so much more than what I have taken up!

/Johanna

IDIOT PEOPLE

I have the perfect subject now because I am sick of people that try to sneak on things they aren’t suppose to know anything about.

Now let me clear some things before. My msn, and some other pages got hacked yesterday and I am sorry if you talked to me when you didn’t not my ordinary msn that got hacked it was my private one.. Sucks I know, but sorry if you got anything…

Now to the thing, stop sneaking for the first if I am not friend with anyone stop asking the reasons why I am not friend with her/him. Because you don’t have to know EVERY stupid reason that has made me decide that I don’t want a person in my life, or that the person doesn’t want me in her/his life.

Now to formspring a page I am a member on, and yet I see so damn rude things to people and honest they don’t deserve that, but what the hell have the person deserved to have you idiots that ask those things, and say the rudest things ever! Honest no one should deserve that except you who do it. I hope you will get that yourself someday you pathetic little shit idiot, I might not be friend with those person you are hacking on but yet you who do those things makes other people look ugly, when they are innocent.

Trust me I know for a fact you can get the ip number and the place where the comments are done from, when you do things, cause I have had those kind of problems in school and guess what I got who it was and things like that and it will just get ugly when the persons comes out. When you want to say something STAND FOR IT and say your NAME!

Well now to the other thing why would people ask me things like what happen between you and XXXXX? Honest do you think I would tell you what happen, never because it is between me and XXX. Then when you don’t tell the people they say I thought we were friends, oh good take that card and you will know that as a friend you doesn’t sneak why a friendship broke up, because it can be really sad things, and bad things, or just that you are sick of each other at the moment and just need a break from each other. As I will say now those I have been friends with are always in my mind, because I do want them to have the best time in their life and I hope they end up happy, I don’t wish that they will have bad times and things like that. So if people hear me talk trash the person that I am talking about has probably done something really bad and deserves that talk at that moment. But I can honest say that I have only talked bad about people I really don’t like. Linus and Jonas are two of those but you don’t know them, I do know them and they show why you don’t like them too.

Now to the thing I wish people stop sneaking what happen to me and others on facebook, because I will never tell and I hope that they never tell either, well some of them probably does tell but I don’t give a shite because there are always two in a story and you can only take a bit from the other one and then you need the other story to get a picture and you will never get the picture because in the end it is always those that it happen to that will know the complete truth, as people tend to lie to look better in others eyes!

If you don’t believe me prove me wrong!

Well something you didn't know..

Today I am so darn happy I woke up to sunshine. But mostly because I have wind of change on my iTunes, always remind me of better times.

Anyway one friend of mine called Fredrik wants me to tell you all what I fall for in a guy, mostly because he loves me or likes me, but I don’t like him. This is so hard because honest I can only write those things I usually fall for well let me try to tell you. This blog will not be so long promise.

The first thing I do look at a lad is the arse if he has a bad arse I don’t tend to look at him anymore, so that is really important, but then I love blond, blue eyed guys they are so handsome in my eye. But strangely I have never ever been with one blond dude, hmm strange. Those things is what I actually look in a guy but the thing is when I want to have someone nothing of those things matters, because the most important thing is that he should have humor and really just be himself.

As I would never date a lad, that isn’t himself, or are unsure on himself, or my feelings for him. The thing is I just want people that make me happy, and make me feel good by the things I do. People say that I look for a guy that is rich but honest I don’t look for someone rich I look for someone that can understand me, because if he really know how I am I don’t really have to show the things I like, just do them, Like listen to someone else heartbeat, to lie down on the ground in a dark place and look up to the stars and just dream away, walk on the beach listen to the water. I would not want to have someone that doesn’t understand what those things means for me.

I don’t care if we have different interests but the thing is that some people want me to change so I can fit in more and be that girl that I don’t want to be, why would I want to be a girl that doesn’t know about things, I mean a stupid girl that doesn’t know about politics, economic, physics and mathematics?

So there you have the things Fredrik, that you so much want to know about, but the things are that I will never change myself for someone else, I will always know about politics, and the other things I know already. I like to read Shakespeare, Homeros and things about the history. I will ask certain people, why would you want to change me? You know that I was in the debate team, chess team, and physic team and in the math team in college and you where still my friend, and wanted me then now to the thing I might go in to the university again to read Latin just because I want to know that.

I want someone that supports me no matter what I do. I might go and read to a lawyer and then I feel sorry for my partner because the course will take ten years, but would I want to wait until I am 37 to make a family? So many questions but so little answer, I live for the day just.

Yupas request :D

Well I am about to write about treachery or betray as my good mate Yupa wants me to write about but honest the only real betray I have had in my life has to be when my ex boyfriend decided to cheated on me with my best friend, oh yeah he didn’t choose some random person it was my girl mate that I was really close to, she knew exactlly how I felt about my ex and cheating.

Well now to the subject about my girl mate, the thing is how the hell could she betray her friend from childhood, for one simple shag? How could she throw away a friendship for my guy, that is gay theese days, strangely he is that and I am just really thankful I had that wake up call, because it made me leave him, but I also lost my closest friend because she choose to betray me as a person.

This brings out bad memories really because how I felt afterwards was really so much anger and I have never ever forgive my friend and I will never ever forgive her either, the worst part was not that she did that it what she did afterwards toward me.. hmm how can I tell this I have been partying and stuff like that but only in my village I never really went far away home, because I always got so drunk but this is so horrible. That girl that I shall keep anonymous because if she reads she will know it is her, she went to places and said she was me, and she screwed many people around, and the thing she said that not to one person it was almost 30 persons, and yet today I never understod why she said my name?

Maybe because I said up our friendship, but who the hell goes around shagging telling a friends name, in time I might had forgive her for doing the shag, but to say my name to other girls was just to much. Well that reason I found out this was because she tried to shag one of my mates in Gothenburg by saying my name, so I had to go to every boy that she has shagged to tell them that it wasn’t me they had shagged and trust me I made the girl come with me to tell them the truth but one boy said that he knew she was lying because he had found her id card, but how the hell can you betray your friend so much that you say that you are her to get a shag, honest it is just screwed.

Well now to the thing you call internet, you should not really trust in anyone so much when you meet them online, because people are sometimes trying to be better than they are and lie to your face. But the thing is that I had some girl mates that just showed that they have not grow up from highschool and trash talk you, and talk behind your back, but the thing is they did not even know me, so the only thing I really regret is that they thing I took their words to me, when I didn’t take them to me. I was really just feeling bad when all this happen or I did it a long time before because of what has happen in my real life.

Well all I can say they say it is my fault that some people left internet and became religious as I can control something like that. But the thing is those people might not want to be friends with people that talk bad about other people, they might saw your right side, how you treated other people, I am not saying I am right and they are wrong, I am saying what I believe happen. But the thing is when I think about what has happen online, it is that I have always had to fight for myself, the others have been so afraid of fighting themselves so they have had more people to do the trash talk, the bad things, and I guess they have lied about me to people too, but honest I don’t care because when I say I don’t like that girl, I do have my reasons, I don’t have to tell them it should be okay just to say that. But what I don’t understand is that you pretend to be someone’s friend just so you don’t miss anything that is just silly, as I would say things open on facebook, twitter or whatever forum you want to talk about, I would keep my mouth close so they can’t betray me more as a human, and tell shite about me, if they don’t like me, just say I don’t think we can be friends anymore because I don’t like you for these reasons.

But nope people doesn’t do that, no idea why they want to choose the bad way and talk trash somehow the truth always comes out. Might be those you trust in that tells the persons what you have been saying, might be someone you never thought would say the things, I know that because people I don’t talk to have told me what people on for example facebook has said about me, I have even got mail from people I AM NOT friends with that has told me what certain people has said about me, and what they have said they have taken print screens, to show me, I never trust if anyone says like oh that person has said that about you.. You need to have proof if you are gonna tell me that.

Now to the thing, I think there will always be betray with friends, but I hope they will not be as bad as that girl I had in my real life. I hope people stop talking about me, because I don’t talk so much shit about people, but I do that sometimes but I just do it to people I trust in and I know for a fact they would never ever betray my trust, it takes time to make me trust in someone and for me to trust in you.

Well Yupa I hope you are happy with this… took some time to write actually because it was a hard subject to talk about. But here you have what I want to talk about this subject.

My dream...

There is something people dream about more than anything, as a girl you tend to dream about your wedding, oh yeah as every other girl I do dream about my perfect wedding the perfect day. How the perfect moment of the question “would you want to marry me Johanna?”

I know it is silly to have those dreams left but I do have them and I will tell you them in my blog, I know for certain that they will not happen, because it is my dreams my fantasy that I have had for ages but it would be fun to write about them, everyone can blame me but this is the girl that I don’t show so much, but I will try to show you the dreaming Johanna.

Now to the question, I really always have wanted that to come when we are on a beach watching the sunset and having a nice picnic. Well I will go more specific to that, well everyone that knows me knows I love to lie down and just listen to the sound of the ocean and walk on the beach and see the sunset mostly because it is nice to watch the sky change in colors. Anyway but now to the thing I have always dreamed about having a date on the beach with a picnic and there you talk about what matters, then I have always dreamed that my prince would say like this, “Johanna, you are the most beautiful girl walking on this earth, I would be honored if you want to become my wonderful loving wife, and let me take care of you for the rest of our life?” while it is sunset and we are watching the sunset.

I know for a fact that it would not be like that but it is a dream I always will have close to my heart and it is so nice to have dreams they help you in hard times because someday you know you will be happy.

Now to the wedding, I really want a private wedding, as I am shy really shy a person, but the thing is that I want for one day in my life be a princess that looks so adorable that my soon-to-be husband will lose his breath because he is getting me as his wife, I know it is silly but for one day in my life I want to be that person that is the most beautiful in the room and the others really can see my beauty I am not the most beautiful girl in this world but I am damn cute. But I want to have a nice white dress that is more to the tube way in the upper front then that it should be sitting nice over the arse, and then get out a bit so I don’t fall when I walk, haha would not be a strange thing if I fall. But the thing is I want to get married in a church and I know what church but I think I need to compromise with that too, sad thing.
Well mostly I want the dance to be perfect to a romantic song, I have always wanted to have a whole new world yeah that song from alladin I know it is bad that you have everything in the head, but just the lyrics is so loving and makes me dream about my special wedding my special day.

I want to have a song that actually means something because a wedding will be my special celebration for my love to my husband, I know I will be happy that day, and I know that dreams can come true.

Judge me as much as you want but I am still that little girl that does dream about things, I do dream about lots of things, but I never talk about them.

Now to the thing, my friend wanted me to write about my dream so here you got it and don’t judge my dream, don’t make fun of what I dream about. I know everyone has a dream for their wedding day or most girls have.

Now I shall end this with this, Love is something beautiful and you should get married when you realize that love is beautiful and when you feel complete like nothing is missing in your life.

/Johanna

jealousy.. and idiot boys

Everyone is telling me that girls are jealous but the thing is boys are jealous too of course. They act even worse that girl I think

Well I have a boy that thinks he loves me; oh he starts with the letter of L so people will not mistake this, but honest L is a childish thing, that is trying to destroy my relationship that I have now, honest if he will succeed I will hate him for the rest of my life. Honest I would pack my bags and move from Sweden and Gothenburg to some other country to get the distance away from L. He is the biggest idiot that walks this planet.

Now to the thing, he sends my friends so stupid questions, I can tell you L because I know you do read my blog that they will not answer you, because they know you are full of bullshite, and what gives you the right to call my best friend and tell that I am not happy when I am clearly happier than I have ever been in my life. But you don’t know what true happiness is, and you know what I would feel sorry for you when you do feel the true happiness because that day you will realize what you have done!

Now to the thing I would know a good girl that you can date L, but honest I wouldn’t want you to date her because she is even worse than you but eh you might be the right one for each other, congrats I might introduce you two. But then you will get to know how a jealous bitch she is. Haha that would suit you to have a girlfriend that is so jealous that she would control you haha!

Anyway I can tell what a girl do when she is jealous so my male readers know, but then I want to know what guys do well I do know most things really since L and J is so damn jealous that I have found my love.

Well now to how girls are, they are really silly jesus, we can actually go throw the mobile phone to look for text messages from other girls, haha my friend does this all the time, and when she finds a text messages from girls she start to throw things around her, I know I have got them in the head many times. Then the other thing is that they start to sneak more than anything, to try to find something to prove that he is cheating and don’t love you. The funny thing is what if he is planning a surprise for you? Haha would be bad if you sneak because you are jealous I am happy that I am not jealous, I am so proud that I am not jealous
Now to the thing it is better to let your partner be friends with whomever he wants to have in his life, but they should respect you if you don’t like those person. I mean if I am meant to meet them I wouldn’t want to meet them because I don’t like them but I know that my partner wouldn’t make me meet people I don’t like and the same is for me I wouldn’t make him meet people he doesn’t like!

Well if you want to know anything, those that knows how to contact me do that ;)

Well this will be enough I am having a bad flu and I hope that I will get better soon.

my thoughts about well read and you see

Now I will talk about one thing that is really something that is hard to talk about because I live in Sweden but I have never EVER been in a war, or a bad time really.

Well I live in Gothenburg, Sweden and everyone says it is a good town to live in but when I start to think about it has been a good town for some years ago.

Let me start with this when I was younger like 15 I was not afraid to go outside in my town but today I am afraid because some people has weapons on them, since when do you have a gun and start to fight with other people. I will say this, I was in the shopping center Nordstan one time, and people that were from Croatia, bosnia or somewhere there started to fight with people from Iran or Iraq why the hell would they start to fight with each other, I have never been so afraid to be outside as I am today, because I know you can be shot, or hit because you have the wrong skin color. But the thing is that I am born here and we are white in Sweden, Finland, Denmark and Norway, but today we get called racist because we don’t talk to the others, through we do talk to them, but they always say that to get things. That is really annoying, you who are not living here in Sweden can’t really say anything, I guess the thing is the same in England, Germany and other countries that take them in to our countries.

I mean they get mosques here and we are not a Muslim country but would we get a church in their country? The thing is that people doesn’t really think before they talk, I was called the white idiot whore that fucks with everyone that is black, and honest I can only talk for myself I would not fuck a black person, or people from south Europe. Sorry to blow that to your faces.
I have friends that are Muslims, Christians, Jews and not believers, the only persons I don’t like is the Jehovah’s because they always wants me to join their faith and I would never ever become a Jehovah’s, to be honest I would not become Jews or a Muslim either I love my faith and where I can turn when I need to pray. I think it would be good to go to the church sometimes to just listen to the bible, and read it again, because you can find really good things in the bible. I will choose my best quotes from the bible and I know the others bibles have some good quotes too.

- “Give, and it shall be given to you. For whatever measure you deal out to others, it will be dealt to you in return.”

- “Great men are not always wise”

- “Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid...for the Lord thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee.”

- “Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

- “So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets”

Well why people want to fight with others honest if you want people to treat you bad then treat them as bad as you want them to be to you.

I know how I want to get treated and it is with love so I will show love to my friends and my loved ones and I would never ever fight big because you regret it in the end!

So now to Israel why do they fight with their own people, I mean they are living in the same place the same country, but I can’t understand why they fight but they understand it but in the end they are as bad as they say that we are in the west world if not worse! The same is with Iran and Iraq they fight with their own people enough said according to me…

Peace out and think how you want people to treat you!

/Johanna

the heart thing

Today I really want to talk about something that I think is really good to talk about for me at least today I have something that is called hearing EKG it will take up my heart rhythm for 24 hours, so I have to make myself really bad sometimes to make sure they understand that I don’t feel good. I mean the headache I have is because of the heart. When I am in so much pain, there is only a few that really knows how much pain I have, trust me it is not easy to live my life, and yet people wants to be me!

Well today when I came to the hospital they took an EKG and it looked good at least, so that is good news for me because I am a heart patient. Then they put me to the machine I have now haha so I have been walking most of the day.

But I have been really lucky today I have got a free haircut but I don’t think no one has notice it. The funny thing is that it is like 10 cm that is gone from the hair so it’s so much shorter than it was before! Then after my damn hair cut I went to eat and strangely my heart fucked up really big time cause it felt like someone was trying to kill me with knifes when the heart beat, and I was almost crying that is really bad cause then I know it is bad since I feel the pain.

The thing is that no one can really help me because no one really knows how I feel when I feel the pain, or how I feel about the heart disease I have. I have never ever really talked with someone about it, I always say I am okay, but I am not okay. The thing is that someone asked me how it feels to have a heart disease today. I can’t be the person that answers that since I was born with it and I have had it all my life. It would be like me asking someone how does it feel to be healthy and don’t have anything that is wrong, for me it is normal to have a bad heart.
The worst thing is that I don’t have anyone that I can talk to because they don’t know how it feels to have a bad heart, to have the wrong beats, to cry because you have pain. I would change my life with anyone that has a healthy heart that doesn’t have the pain I have. I only think people that has had something really bad like cancer, liver disease will understand what I am talking about but they can’t understand me fully as I can’t understand them because we have everyone different stories to tell, all we can understand is the time you have to put in your life to the hospitals, the time you had after the operation. Trust me it sucks, you can’t go to the bathroom, to pee you need to lie down and pee trough something. I do remember everything but I don’t talk about it because it is too painful I would start to cry if I talk about it.
Well I will upload a picture so you can see some parts of the machine I have and the new haircut. oh yeah I cant have a ordinary bra >_<

Take care people you don’t know how good life you have if you are healthy and don’t have anything wrong with you, so stop complain I would be happy if I was healthy. I am just happy to be alive and have someone to love, and have someone that loves me back.

BAJBÖ, I LÖVE YOU!

/Johanna

hate you, jonas and myself

I am starting to get pissed off on one girl, she doesn’t understand things! ARGH why the hell would she still be after him, why the hell would she want him to make her feel good, or even worse that he should take a chance on her, so she can make him happy! For fuck sake if I ever see that chick I hope to god that someone holds me so I don’t punch her. Trust me she would be run if she sees me.

The only thing is that I want her to leave me and my loved ones alone, but I guess that is too much to ask for. Oh well someday she will understand the things. She is just (erm what is the word I want to write) extremely stupid, that thinks she is really hot and that everyone loves her.

Well it is time for you to wake up because I know you do read my blog, and here is what I think about you. I don’t care if you don’t like me to hang out her, but the thing is that it is only me who knows who it is and maybe that person that I am talking about! So let me start with what I think about you.

You are the biggest moron that walks on this planet, you think you are so hot and things like that, and I really can’t understand how the hell she can be in love with someone that doesn’t love her. The thing that is the worst is that she is out for a guy that is taken. Oh yeah he doesn’t love you, time for you to wake up, honest when I think about it he doesn’t even want to be your friend when I think about it. How stupid aren’t you. Oh well sometimes she will regret that she has put so much time on this dude and when that day comes I will smile more than ever because then I know that she actually do understand things! Well you think that I want to be your friend all I think about you is bad things, you just are out to be my friend so you can sneak about things, but I will not spill anything, not a word how things are. All I do want for you is to leave me alone, and stay as far as you can from everyone I love and things like that!
I think I should tell one thing, I don’t accept things myself so good, but at least I do know when someone doesn’t want to be my friend, and doesn’t love me. Or is it that I respect what the other person say. I can confess that I can mail mean mails to friends, to tell them what the hell I think about things, but in the end it is the friend that I mail that decide if she/him wants to have me in their life!

Now to a good news, Jonas my ex boyfriend called me yesterday to tell me one thing. I can’t believe that he actually listens to me for once, I have told him so many times that I want him out from my life trust me when I say this, it will feel empty cause I was friend with him for a long time, but the thing is that he and me are a bad combination and honest what he said in the phone call was this : Johanna, I don’t think we can be friends anymore because I feel like I am destroying your relationship you have now, you know that I love you but when I see you happy it breaks my heart, because I want you to be mine, and you where mine once and I blew it and I can’t fix it. I just hope that Michael will do a better job than I did, I hope that you two will be happy together, this is my god bye to you and I know we might will see each other sometimes, but I will pretend that I don’t know you.

Honest that thing is that it will be so good that he is out from my life, because he do things without thinking how I would feel in the end, trust me that boy has made me cry, laugh but he has never made me feel completed as I do feel today.

I will always remember the bad times more with him than the good times, cause we had more bad times in our friendship, and relationship but when I thought I loved him I did fight for his love, and trust me I punched lots of girls, made sure that everyone knew Jonas was mine, oh I know I do sound jealous and I was so jealous that he never looked at me as he did on the others. Because we didn’t love each other we should just have been friends and never been together. Jonas our time has come to an end and I hope that you will be happy with the paths you choose and I hope you happiness for the further this is my goodbye to you.

Now to the thing I want to say would you fight for the person you love? I know that I would do that, and honest I don’t care if he says that he loves me. Because if the girls will hit on him extremely much I would get angry, and leave him there alone, because that is how I work or I would punch everyone so far away that they know they are alive. But I would never ever say that he can’t be friends with someone or things like that, because that will only lead to bad things, all I want is for my boyfriend to be happy, and I know if he isn’t happy to having you as a friend he would say that to the person or just stop talking to him/her and pretend that they are dead.

The thing is I have grown so much this last year when I think about how I was a year from now, I was in a deep dark hole, I don’t think anyone really realize how bad I felt last January and February, people used me more than ever, they did just tell me that it was for my best but it wasn’t for my best. Honest I realize things I never thought was possible but they where that. Today I am so happy and I am so happy that I am out from that black hole it took me some time to come up from it. And I will never say the reason that made me come up from the hole. But it was one thing and that thing was a bad for so many but for me it was the best thing ever cause it made me realize that you have to live your life to make things happen. Today I smile more than I have ever done in my whole life. Because I know that there are only good things to look forward to. I know what I want to fight for, I know who I want to have in my life, and this year is going to be a change for me in a good way. I will kick out every one that is bad for me and those that doesn’t respect me as a person.

Now I have told you more things that you want to know. But this has been great to write off because now I can start to forget them and make it happen!

Now to the mountain I have with dishes and then clean the hallway and kitchen and then dance my butt off, because it is soon valentine’s day and that day I will tell my loved ones that I love them and hug my mum and dad just because I don’t hug them enough today.

Now the ending, I hope my friends in Egypt are okay and that the people in Australia doesn't get the cyclone.