My annoying brain, and thoughts..

Today I am going to talk about some things that actually bothers me loads. My own brain, I know it’s bad but I have started to think some things, and even if I know they aren’t true I can’t help thinking of them.

So what more can I really say than I actually do worry about things, and there is nothing no one can say about them either, I know I will be fine but somehow I have started to think I will die if I need a new operation as my first one was a huge trauma to me, I don’t know what happen more than I woke up and somehow I think my mum said to me that the doctors said I never did that when they asked, but how can I explain everything that happen in that room? Was I dead, nope I woke up as I remember how much panic the doctors got and the nurse, they also said lets us hope she doesn’t feel anything, HELLO I actually think I rather not do a new operation even if I need one as I am scared to death I will die if I do one, or even worse woke up again. People tell me that they understand me how scared I am, but they have no clue how it is to wake up and see your own heart, to see inside your body, all I want is to forget that but I can’t and now I think I will die if I do the new operation.

The other thing I have started to think is that everyone really don’t like me as I am, what is really silly but I feel like my mates doesn’t want to be with me really, I don’t know why I feel like that, but I feel like no one really cares how I feel because if they would they would know I feel shite and bad, but they tend to close their eyes and hope I feel good, they never ask me how I feel, and they always come to me when they have problems, but not anymore as I need to talk myself. Who can I go to when I am scared, when I need someone to talk to, someone to say I am scared about loads of things, or when I think about one thing and they really just say I am annoying, let’s talk about something else. I mean I really do need to talk about some things but I have no one to talk to? When I get insecure who can I speak to as they really never give a shite about my feelings about how I feel about the things, but somehow I have to be quiet about those things as people get angry when I want to talk about my feelings, and that is to annoying for me.

I hope people let me talk in the future as the only person I can talk to is myself and that is not good as the brain tells me loads of things and I slowly start to get paranoid about loads of things, I have even made up some pairs in my head, and things like that. I mean how bad isn’t that that I have made a boy be totally in love with a girl that loves him, but there is someone else that will get really hurt, somehow I have to talk to someone but there is no one that want to listen to my so called crap. 

Oh well I am as angry at my mates as I am on myself, but my brain seems to be my best friend but also my worst enemy that is one thing that will not change in a long time, as I feel so complete alone at the moment, yet I have loads of people I can talk to but they tend to change subjects.

This was everything for now.

-Jo 

Rumors and lies..

¤Today I will talk about something that I have been thinking loads on and that is why do people tend to spread rumors, lies and say that they know you better than anyone else?

I am amazed that other people knows my feelings better than what I do, I mean who are you to tell me that I am lying to be madly in love with my boyfriend? The thing I really can’t understand is why you had to talk about my feelings to others and to tell them that I wasn’t in love with him as that is something I haven’t lied about for a single moment, I think it is more about this, maybe just maybe you are the person that is secretly in love with someone and don’t have the guts to tell the person, or you have realise that the person doesn’t love you and he loves someone else? All I can say is that this reminds me of my best so called best friend that said rumors to get people not to fall in love with me, because I was the person that got the boys, but all I had was my eyes on Jonas when I was younger, a bad choice from myself. Even Jonas has said that to me, of all people you decided to trust in me, the person that treated you badly, and you never ever blinked once when people told you the truth you choose to believe in me, the person that lied to you. I know I should have listen to the others now today because they were right about him, but they never spread rumors that I wasn’t in love with him, they always said I was blind because I was in love with him. Well my so called best friend was also in love with him, but he never liked her in the same way there for she started to spread rumors that weren’t true so people would see me as a monster or something.  

So those people that actually don’t believe that I am in love with Michael they are completely wrong, I feel extremely lucky that he loves me as much as I love him, he makes me smile like no one else, I feel lost without him, but I also know that there is no one else than me and Michael that knows how I feel as I never tend to talk about my feelings, what I really feel about him, what I can tell about myself is that I am a quiet person that really don’t like to talk about feelings and how I actually feel, but there is some people I do talk to and one of them are Michael, and he knows everything about me, and how I feel, and when people tells me that one person has said I am lying about my own feelings actually is not okay, I don’t go around and telling people you are pretending being in love with someone else,  so please for everyone just grow up and stop pretending you care about me as you clearly don’t do that, as you have opinion on what I do, how I feel, when there is only one person in this world that knows how I feel and think and that is Me, no one else knows that if I don’t tell you how I feel.

I know when I did spread a rumor about one girl here, I lost everything in the end, as I lied about one thing, the thing I lost was my own self respect I can’t still believe that I sank to her level to be with one person, just for one hour, that person that I was with don’t want to have anything to do with me today because I lied about another girl to him, today I am glad that they two are together but I lost two wonderful people, the only person I have to blame is myself to spread the rumors, I know I haven’t been nice in the past I have been that high school drama girl, and honestly I did grow out that when I left high school, I am happy for those moments I had in high school but I am not proud of the things I did. I was a bitch to so many girls that wanted to talk to Jonas, I was really unsure about myself and about my feelings that I had to spread rumors about others to feel better, but in the end you feel worse if you are a normal person, with normal feelings.

There are pretty many rumors I have heard about myself, and I am still so shocked about some of them, but mostly I laugh at them. I will tell you some of them, then you can tell me what you have heard about yourself and we both can laugh about them together, as rumors are never true they are just a bunch of lies.

That I tell people that I have done a heart operation just so they will feel sorry for me. Okay this is probably the best rumor of all as this is not true at all, I tend to never talk about my heart operation to anyone that is something I have just talked to maybe two people that knows how I feel and all my fears about it, I mean I can tell people I have done a heart operation because they should think more than once to not do things that I don’t want them to do, and to live for one day a time, but those I have told that I have done a heart operation doesn’t have a clue how I feel or how scared I am to have to do one more, so no I don’t want people to think sorry for me and if I want that I would never use that at least.

That I have been out parting when I have been in bed sleeping because I had a swimming competition when I was younger, come on I started to party when I was around 17 and when I did party I got drunk and my friends brother always had to take care of me as I didn’t even know where I was, I am not proud of those days, I was so lost because of loads of things that happen, and that made me so fucked up, and when I drink I become so damn mean, I will be your worst nightmare, and I would never snog with a boy when I am drunk as I tend to tell them what I really feel and that is NO NEVER, I don’t like you now piss off.

That I am dead, oh yeah I wonder if anyone else have heard that about them self it was actually one person that called me home to say I am so sorry for you lost to my parents and when I answer she was like Johanna are you alive? And I was yeah ofcourse why would I be dead? And she told me the whole story, oh my gosh people really have to start to think what they say to others.

Well the thing is that rumors can hurt you in the end, but it can also hurt the people around the rumor, I mean if you are in a relationship and you say that the other person has been cheating think now, you don’t hurt the person you want to hurt, you hurt both by making up a lie that isn’t true, as the other person in the relationship will get hurt too, as he/she hears lies about the person that he/she loves, and that is not fair to that person. People should try to think like I have done for a long time.

-Respect people as you want to be respected, treat people like you want to get treated, make love not war. 

Oh yeah I will end this blog post with STAND FOR WHAT YOU HAVE DONE AND SAID!

-Jo

Some questions I have asked girls, and my own thoughts.

Today I will write about something that I actually was surprised that so many would answer, I asked 25 different girls about sex, well when you chat, phone sex and if they had flirted with a guy that was taken.

Oh well I will start with this, have you ever had a sex chat?

Here actually everyone said yes, so I guess we girls aren’t that much as an angel, I know I have had it myself. One of the girls said she has had a sex talk with her cousin, trust me I don’t want to know what kind of sex talk they had, but I mean it can be so much here when you think about it, it can be I mean when you lost your virginity things like that. Anyway here the girls actually told me well some of them that they are virgins and they are afraid that they boy wouldn’t like them if they told them the truth. Why would a boy be off if you tell them the truth, if they just want sex they don’t love you right?

Then I asked about phone sex and if they have had it.

Here it was only 15 people that have had it, and 5 of them are virgins, they just said that they didn’t want the guy to not like them.

Well here it is probably most single ones that has it, and some said she has sex text, well sms or what you want to call it, and she said that counts as phone sex but I don’t think that, as it is more typing, for me phone sex is all about doing things and tell them to the person you are speaking to, and no I haven’t had it as I feel it is really silly myself.

The last question I ask was have you ever flirted with a taken man?

Here everyone said yes, and the thing is that one told me, that she has flirted with her best friends boyfriend and, they have had sex talks on msn, and even phone sex, for the first the guy can’t love her as he is talking with others about sex, but the mate can’t be a real mate as she is doing it to her so called best mate.

One said how you can know if the lad is taken or not, as you flirt with loads of people when you are outside, and on parties, but the thing is that you should try to not flirt with others boyfriends she said.  

Why do we flirt with taken lads, and mostly the girls said they have flirted with a mates boyfriend, just to show the girl mate that she has a scumbag as a boyfriend. 

I know I am not perfect either, I don’t think anyone is that, but I mean I would actually get pissed if my friend flirted with my boyfriend, I would get so angry that I would try to destroy that friendship just because I don’t want a girl that is after my boyfriend, I would get to paranoid if they are with each other, not on him as I do trust my boyfriend with my life but on her, what she would do and what she would say. So I guess I am not perfect at all

I do know I flirted with taken guys when I was single, I am ashamed of myself doing it, because in the end I wanted the lad to break up with the girl he was with, and sometimes you succeeded and sometimes you failed but what is the agenda you have when you flirt with a taken man if you know he is taken? Please try to think what you would do to the girls that flirts with your lad, or how would you feel?

That is all for now, thanks for reading as always.

-Jo

grandpa..

Been thinking loads about you this few years.

I stick with myself because I have no one left, you took with you my soul, the pain sets in, keeps me from sleeping, slowly succeeding I think I dreaming, I can see your face please don’t fade away.

That is how I really feel about things when it comes to my grandpa, I know you don’t really understand how much I really miss him, I really don’t want to sleep as I know that I will dream about him, but the face is slowly really fading away from my memory I really can’t remember how he looks like not completely, the years has gone so fast, I really just miss you so much these days.

All I want is to be with you for only one hour so I can speak about all things I want to talk about that I don’t feel I can talk with anyone else, how can I tell them that I miss all the things we did when I was a kid, when you took me out on the boat to go fishing, when you didn’t have the cancer that slowly ate you, the thing that took you away from me, I remember the night you passed away, I called you some days before all I could hear was how much pain you had, when I said I love you, all you said we will see each other next summer, you knew you would die, in some days why didn’t you say you loved me? Why couldn’t you just have told me the truth from the beginning that you had the cancer that wouldn’t be able to take away? Why did you lie all along to me? I can’t understand that not even today.

I miss you so much and all I want is for you to hug me and say hello, then just smile and be without pain, that the only thing that I actually are happy with that you haven’t any pain where you are now, no problems at all, but I still can’t see you without thinking that I want to be with you, more than anything I miss you so much, no words in the world can actually say how much I do miss you, and how much I really want to be with you and hug you, go fishing,  and go shopping, or just go to be with you. I know I am mean when I don’t want to see grandma, but I can’t go there, everyone that sees me says that they miss you when they see me, I wonder why?