Those people that knows me really good knows that I too much time about thinking about things is not good, well here I have so much time to think, and it seems like my brain never stops to think these days.
Well I think about the future and lots about it, more than anyone really realizes I do want to do things and to make them happen I have to start doing things this year, I remember one promise I have with my mate a male mate, that if I am not married when I turn 30 I will get married to him, as I want a family in the end but I don’t want the family before I am married.
Well I have started to think about my heart to really much, as you all know I was born with a hole in my heart and that has made me think about things that I might not be able to do. I mean the doctors don’t want me to get kids, and all I want is to have a kid I want that more than I want to become a lawyer and that is really my biggest dream. I get tears in my eyes when I think that I might not be able to get kids, as I want that, I really want to become a mother even if that will become my death I want a kid, that I have given birth to, one that I will love more than my own life. I know you all want me to be alive but I will not be alive when I see all my friends be so happy when they become mothers, they all say to me that I should do that too. Well I don’t know if I can become a mother and that is the only thing that I think about at the moment, more than anything.
I know I have changed so much as I have always said I don’t want kids, not get married, I have always wanted to die alone and be alone, but I have changed I want all of that now! I know for a fact that I probably need a new operation but I am totally scared of doing one as I have one picture in front of my eyes, you will not know how it feels to have seen your own heart through a mirror to have been awake when they cut in you to try to help you, I know they helped me as I am alive, but the memories will not fade away they seems to get stronger I don’t know I have pushed them away for so long time but now I see them crystal clear, that is the thing I see in front of me before I go to bed and I wake up and remember them, I don’t want to remember those things but now I remember all the pain, the things I have seen, I don’t want to remember, there is no one that can help me. As no one understands how it feels to have seen those things, I really wish I never woke up that the doctors made me sleep longer, but they did some mistake as I woke up while I was open.
The scars are deeper than anyone knows about. I really don’t know what to do as they will not fade away!
I am lucky to be alive as I would have been gone if I never did the first operation. But if I could have chosen I wouldn’t want to do it, the memories are too painful. I don’t get why people want to be me as they don’t have a clue how it is to be me, I have an easy life is what you see, but you don’t think about the other things, I have a bad heart, I am scared of things you don’t think about, I am freaking out I have too much time to think!
All I can think about is something I don’t want to think about, I am going crazy and I can’t talk with anyone about it.
Monday 30 May 2011
Sunday 29 May 2011
My time with Michael or some of it :D
I will actually write about something some people wonder about, and I know you all wonder what actually happen in Liverpool when I was there, and how I felt as I have been quiet about it.
Well here is the story about my trip my feelings and how fun I had over there, as I learned new things, as cooking on gas!
This story starts on a Tuesday around 7 am on the airport in Landvetter, I remember that I was so nervous that I had to call a mate that calm me down, mostly because I hate to fly but also to meet Mike and Georgie, yeah I was nervous. Well I went on the plane and falled asleep while I was in the air woke up like 11.50 am, when I felt complete lost and gone tired what more can I say when I was in Manchester Airport. Well the thing was when I was waiting on them I was so nervous like what if they can’t find me. Well when they came I was a bit nervous still but they were as crazy as always.
Well it was really nice to be sitting there and waiting for the bus to take us back to Liverpool, but mostly because I started to talk there, was fun in some ways, how the shy person as I am started to talk more than I should have done. Well when we came home to Mike, it was so nice it felt like a home, and what did we do the first night we actually went to bed and slept well I saw his sister well I was too tired to think to be fair. Well all I know was that we kissed lots and it was so nice to fall asleep in his arms that were a nice feeling.
Then the second day we went out and we had a nice time, then I saw his family like grandmother and granddad and guess who went really shy and quiet yeah me, but I think the dog liked me as he played a bit with me. It was really nice to see his family they were nice, we at dinner there I know and I was so full I felt like I would explode. But they funny thing was that I probably saw everyone else before I saw his dad, but when I saw him I wasn’t as shy as I have been with the others. Strangely it felt so easy to talk to his dad; he even made me breakfast one day, and Sunday dinner.
Well back to Michael again, as this blog will be about, everyone that knows me really knows I don’t like hugs, and things like that but when I think about it I always fall asleep in his arms, and I slept like an angel, and when he took away the arms from me I made sure they came back, as I took them back. Every morning we kissed each other as a good morning, and well we did other things but we don’t have to talk about them here, as they are a bit private. But the thing was we where gonna watch a movie called war/ Rogue Assassin but I was so tired that I fall asleep and when the movie was done Mike woke me up as he needed to take away the lap top but I fall asleep as fast as I woke up, and I could feel how he put his arm around me gave me a kiss and then fall asleep on his own.
The thing was that I woke up sometimes in the night just to say I love you to him, and tell him how much he means to me, and all he did was smile, I guess he never heard what I said but he slept like and angel, so peaceful and so handsome as he is. Oh it was so nice to feel him and just to be there in his bed, in his arms.
The only thing that was awkward was when we were in Wales to see is aunt with his grandparents as I got so shy, poor Mike, he tried to hug me while we watch Harry Potter but somehow I did not notice that and was like no not now. I don’t think we even kissed in front of them; I am a shy person when it comes to the end, and well all I can say is that I felt so right even if I was so far from home.
When I was with Michael I knew I was with the right person, even if I feel lost all I have to think about is him to find the right place, and when I am sad I just think about what we did when we where complete silly with each other and I smile wider than ever, when I feel angry I just take back the feeling when he hugs me and says I love you Johanna, always remember that, and when we kissed my world stopped, I think my heart beats one million times faster. I am so in love with him, he is always on my mind, and the thing was even if I live here and he there I never wanted to go home. When I left him it felt completely wrong and I almost cried when I saw what he had left me for messages in my book I got from him.
Well there is one thing his dad knows and that is that Me and Mike will get married, as he asked him that when I sat beside them in the middle and Mike said yeah her I am gonna marry, his dad just smiled. Then he tried to figure out what I was talking to with my sister as we type in Swedish, I don’t think it went so good, but he smiled and said that I type too fast for him.
Blowfish I love you so much and honest all I want is to sleep beside you and feel your arms around me just one more time, as everything feels so right than, even if everything is wrong.
And the time over there was the best days in my life in years, honest I felt so home and so loved from him, and his family was really amazing and I hope they like me, hard to say if they like me or not, but it seems like they like me as much as I like them.
This blog post has been fun to write about as when I think about the time I don’t want to share so much and that, because if I share everything I know you all want him, as he is so wonderful and I don’t lie when I say he is the best person in this world, so kind so loving.
I even sleep beside the teddy he gave me, as it reminds me of him and I have his chain around my neck and I always think about his wonderful eyes before I go to bed, as I fall in love so much again. Well this is all I am gonna say today.
/Johanna
Well here is the story about my trip my feelings and how fun I had over there, as I learned new things, as cooking on gas!
This story starts on a Tuesday around 7 am on the airport in Landvetter, I remember that I was so nervous that I had to call a mate that calm me down, mostly because I hate to fly but also to meet Mike and Georgie, yeah I was nervous. Well I went on the plane and falled asleep while I was in the air woke up like 11.50 am, when I felt complete lost and gone tired what more can I say when I was in Manchester Airport. Well the thing was when I was waiting on them I was so nervous like what if they can’t find me. Well when they came I was a bit nervous still but they were as crazy as always.
Well it was really nice to be sitting there and waiting for the bus to take us back to Liverpool, but mostly because I started to talk there, was fun in some ways, how the shy person as I am started to talk more than I should have done. Well when we came home to Mike, it was so nice it felt like a home, and what did we do the first night we actually went to bed and slept well I saw his sister well I was too tired to think to be fair. Well all I know was that we kissed lots and it was so nice to fall asleep in his arms that were a nice feeling.
Then the second day we went out and we had a nice time, then I saw his family like grandmother and granddad and guess who went really shy and quiet yeah me, but I think the dog liked me as he played a bit with me. It was really nice to see his family they were nice, we at dinner there I know and I was so full I felt like I would explode. But they funny thing was that I probably saw everyone else before I saw his dad, but when I saw him I wasn’t as shy as I have been with the others. Strangely it felt so easy to talk to his dad; he even made me breakfast one day, and Sunday dinner.
Well back to Michael again, as this blog will be about, everyone that knows me really knows I don’t like hugs, and things like that but when I think about it I always fall asleep in his arms, and I slept like an angel, and when he took away the arms from me I made sure they came back, as I took them back. Every morning we kissed each other as a good morning, and well we did other things but we don’t have to talk about them here, as they are a bit private. But the thing was we where gonna watch a movie called war/ Rogue Assassin but I was so tired that I fall asleep and when the movie was done Mike woke me up as he needed to take away the lap top but I fall asleep as fast as I woke up, and I could feel how he put his arm around me gave me a kiss and then fall asleep on his own.
The thing was that I woke up sometimes in the night just to say I love you to him, and tell him how much he means to me, and all he did was smile, I guess he never heard what I said but he slept like and angel, so peaceful and so handsome as he is. Oh it was so nice to feel him and just to be there in his bed, in his arms.
The only thing that was awkward was when we were in Wales to see is aunt with his grandparents as I got so shy, poor Mike, he tried to hug me while we watch Harry Potter but somehow I did not notice that and was like no not now. I don’t think we even kissed in front of them; I am a shy person when it comes to the end, and well all I can say is that I felt so right even if I was so far from home.
When I was with Michael I knew I was with the right person, even if I feel lost all I have to think about is him to find the right place, and when I am sad I just think about what we did when we where complete silly with each other and I smile wider than ever, when I feel angry I just take back the feeling when he hugs me and says I love you Johanna, always remember that, and when we kissed my world stopped, I think my heart beats one million times faster. I am so in love with him, he is always on my mind, and the thing was even if I live here and he there I never wanted to go home. When I left him it felt completely wrong and I almost cried when I saw what he had left me for messages in my book I got from him.
Well there is one thing his dad knows and that is that Me and Mike will get married, as he asked him that when I sat beside them in the middle and Mike said yeah her I am gonna marry, his dad just smiled. Then he tried to figure out what I was talking to with my sister as we type in Swedish, I don’t think it went so good, but he smiled and said that I type too fast for him.
Blowfish I love you so much and honest all I want is to sleep beside you and feel your arms around me just one more time, as everything feels so right than, even if everything is wrong.
And the time over there was the best days in my life in years, honest I felt so home and so loved from him, and his family was really amazing and I hope they like me, hard to say if they like me or not, but it seems like they like me as much as I like them.
This blog post has been fun to write about as when I think about the time I don’t want to share so much and that, because if I share everything I know you all want him, as he is so wonderful and I don’t lie when I say he is the best person in this world, so kind so loving.
I even sleep beside the teddy he gave me, as it reminds me of him and I have his chain around my neck and I always think about his wonderful eyes before I go to bed, as I fall in love so much again. Well this is all I am gonna say today.
/Johanna
Saturday 28 May 2011
Request from Daniel :)
One of my old mates wants me to write about something that he has wonder for ages, so I will actually write about it, why I did choose to say no to Fredrik, and then to not choose someone from my college time as a boyfriend.
Let me just start with my college than, I went to a good college with mostly people that has money so they can do whatever they want, but the thing is that I am happy I went there as I really know what I want in my life, they did not bully me for who I am or what I liked as they did in high school.
But when I went there I was with Jonas a jerk in the end, trust me I do miss the good times Jonas, Those small things we had that was good, But this was the time you started to cheat on me because other guys liked me, and you got unsure about me being in love with you, Jonas I did like you lots but honest you where not the one, when I look back at the past you where totally wrong for me. You where right about one thing I did like Sam more than and a friend, and in the end I wanted to be with him. Then the other thing that bugged you where that your own mates liked me more than they should, Fredrik did want me as his wife, Linus your best buddy was obsessed with me, but you never protected me when I needed you Jonas.
Well now to the thing Daniel, when Fredrik asked me to marry him all I felt was run as far as you can Johanna, I don’t love him at all in the way, I love him as a mate only, I even like you more than I do like Fredrik, The thing is that Daniel has not be honest to none in the gang either, there are things he has been hiding from Fredrik, Jonas. Linus and Kimpan, we used to kiss on the bus trips, the tram way he always denied that he liked me more than a mate, but I guess he did like me more but we never ever got together as he was best friend with my ex and my friend liked him so much, well I feel bad because I did like him and kissed him even though I knew those things.
Well now to the real problem that is that Jonas really doesn’t want to let me go for real, I am so happy with Michael he really is my everything. I wish Linus, Jonas and Fredrik can see how happy he makes me ‘cause I will never ever be with anyone from my college time as I don’t love anyone of you. You all ask me why I have changed I haven’t I have just seen what real love is about, and trust me when I think about Michael I just smile like a little kid that open her presents on Christmas eve, all I want is to be with him forever and ever, I hope you three will let me be happy and don’t try to destroy for me, I am truly happy with him.
Fredrik was so wrong for me in every way, Jonas used me and never told me the truth that he wanted to be single, Linus I don’t even know what to say about him because I really don’t like him at all, we where good mates one time a really long time ago, but you really destroyed everything when you decided to try to destroy the only good thing in my life. I am happy I have known everyone of you because somehow you where the first person that really accepted me as a mate a true mate in school time, as you where nice and taught me that you can have mates that is nice to you, but the way you did after college time is not right.
I miss Jonas many times, but I don’t want him in my life anymore he is in the past, I want to look to the future, and be happy, and with them I was not happy I was in a huge black hole because they had so many games, so many things I don’t want to talk about. Daniel you are the only one I talk to from the college time, and we are losing touch too as you live where the hell do you live these days? Berlin, Munich, Bern? I get lost, but I wish you all the happiness in the world. And you of all people should know that Fredrik was wrong for me!
I will end with one thing you shouted out on a party: Let’s get wild and dance all night long, kiss strangers, and pretend to be someone who we aren’t, you know you love me for the crazy person I am. Let’s start with the party!
Let me just start with my college than, I went to a good college with mostly people that has money so they can do whatever they want, but the thing is that I am happy I went there as I really know what I want in my life, they did not bully me for who I am or what I liked as they did in high school.
But when I went there I was with Jonas a jerk in the end, trust me I do miss the good times Jonas, Those small things we had that was good, But this was the time you started to cheat on me because other guys liked me, and you got unsure about me being in love with you, Jonas I did like you lots but honest you where not the one, when I look back at the past you where totally wrong for me. You where right about one thing I did like Sam more than and a friend, and in the end I wanted to be with him. Then the other thing that bugged you where that your own mates liked me more than they should, Fredrik did want me as his wife, Linus your best buddy was obsessed with me, but you never protected me when I needed you Jonas.
Well now to the thing Daniel, when Fredrik asked me to marry him all I felt was run as far as you can Johanna, I don’t love him at all in the way, I love him as a mate only, I even like you more than I do like Fredrik, The thing is that Daniel has not be honest to none in the gang either, there are things he has been hiding from Fredrik, Jonas. Linus and Kimpan, we used to kiss on the bus trips, the tram way he always denied that he liked me more than a mate, but I guess he did like me more but we never ever got together as he was best friend with my ex and my friend liked him so much, well I feel bad because I did like him and kissed him even though I knew those things.
Well now to the real problem that is that Jonas really doesn’t want to let me go for real, I am so happy with Michael he really is my everything. I wish Linus, Jonas and Fredrik can see how happy he makes me ‘cause I will never ever be with anyone from my college time as I don’t love anyone of you. You all ask me why I have changed I haven’t I have just seen what real love is about, and trust me when I think about Michael I just smile like a little kid that open her presents on Christmas eve, all I want is to be with him forever and ever, I hope you three will let me be happy and don’t try to destroy for me, I am truly happy with him.
Fredrik was so wrong for me in every way, Jonas used me and never told me the truth that he wanted to be single, Linus I don’t even know what to say about him because I really don’t like him at all, we where good mates one time a really long time ago, but you really destroyed everything when you decided to try to destroy the only good thing in my life. I am happy I have known everyone of you because somehow you where the first person that really accepted me as a mate a true mate in school time, as you where nice and taught me that you can have mates that is nice to you, but the way you did after college time is not right.
I miss Jonas many times, but I don’t want him in my life anymore he is in the past, I want to look to the future, and be happy, and with them I was not happy I was in a huge black hole because they had so many games, so many things I don’t want to talk about. Daniel you are the only one I talk to from the college time, and we are losing touch too as you live where the hell do you live these days? Berlin, Munich, Bern? I get lost, but I wish you all the happiness in the world. And you of all people should know that Fredrik was wrong for me!
I will end with one thing you shouted out on a party: Let’s get wild and dance all night long, kiss strangers, and pretend to be someone who we aren’t, you know you love me for the crazy person I am. Let’s start with the party!
Friday 27 May 2011
.....
This is something I want to talk about but really don’t want to tell anyone so why not share it with someone that actually might feel the same things, the same thoughts the same feelings that I have.
There is no one in this world that really understand how much I miss my past because when I was in the water swimming I was happy, I was really happy even though my team hated me everyone really did hate me, mostly because I was good, and they where one of the reasons I just ended to swim, because in the end I thought it wasn’t fun. In the competitions we went to I was never with my own team, I was with other teams, and other boys, and to be fair they did like me more than my own team, how many other swimmer had a completely cheering on them, I had that.
I even had the other coaches saying to me that I was good as my own coach said I was shit and bad, and it really didn’t matter that I beat my own record or things that that I was always bad according to my coach, the thing is that I think it was because I hang out with other teams and was my own person. I remember one thing; I was on a competition and one boy that one in my team liked swim in another team, we where friends me and sam as his name was. Well now to the thing, the girls wanted me to ask Sam if they could hang with us, but he said “no I don’t like them Johanna, as they never are with you, they always let you be alone, I know this as I have seen it lots of times. But you are welcome to hang with me always” the thing was that me and Sam was friends, we did go to movies, went to cafes and things like that but the thing was I liked him more than a friend but I said no to him when he asked me if I wanted to be his girlfriend because he lived so far away from me, I know it is not far 60 km. Eh I should tell Sam that I liked him more than a friend though I know he knows it, but it is time to confess that to him.
I really have messed up so many good things in my life, but when I think close I don’t have any close friends that I can count on when I need someone to be there for me. I don’t trust in anyone of my friends, they always talks bad about me to others and then deny it, when did I actually have a true friend that never put themselves as the most important person in this world, and tried to make me happy. I mean when I turned 18 my best friend gave me one thing that was like what the fuck is this how much I mean to you, she was at my place for ten minutes then she left me and the others didn’t even bother to come to say happy birthday, I was home alone with my family thinking that I was a person that was alone. Somehow everyone I have in my closeness here in Sweden uses me, to do things, no one really ask me how I feel or anything they just call me when they need help or things like that!
I guess friendship is something that is as hard as love is!
There is no one in this world that really understand how much I miss my past because when I was in the water swimming I was happy, I was really happy even though my team hated me everyone really did hate me, mostly because I was good, and they where one of the reasons I just ended to swim, because in the end I thought it wasn’t fun. In the competitions we went to I was never with my own team, I was with other teams, and other boys, and to be fair they did like me more than my own team, how many other swimmer had a completely cheering on them, I had that.
I even had the other coaches saying to me that I was good as my own coach said I was shit and bad, and it really didn’t matter that I beat my own record or things that that I was always bad according to my coach, the thing is that I think it was because I hang out with other teams and was my own person. I remember one thing; I was on a competition and one boy that one in my team liked swim in another team, we where friends me and sam as his name was. Well now to the thing, the girls wanted me to ask Sam if they could hang with us, but he said “no I don’t like them Johanna, as they never are with you, they always let you be alone, I know this as I have seen it lots of times. But you are welcome to hang with me always” the thing was that me and Sam was friends, we did go to movies, went to cafes and things like that but the thing was I liked him more than a friend but I said no to him when he asked me if I wanted to be his girlfriend because he lived so far away from me, I know it is not far 60 km. Eh I should tell Sam that I liked him more than a friend though I know he knows it, but it is time to confess that to him.
I really have messed up so many good things in my life, but when I think close I don’t have any close friends that I can count on when I need someone to be there for me. I don’t trust in anyone of my friends, they always talks bad about me to others and then deny it, when did I actually have a true friend that never put themselves as the most important person in this world, and tried to make me happy. I mean when I turned 18 my best friend gave me one thing that was like what the fuck is this how much I mean to you, she was at my place for ten minutes then she left me and the others didn’t even bother to come to say happy birthday, I was home alone with my family thinking that I was a person that was alone. Somehow everyone I have in my closeness here in Sweden uses me, to do things, no one really ask me how I feel or anything they just call me when they need help or things like that!
I guess friendship is something that is as hard as love is!
Thursday 26 May 2011
Friendship and summer plans
I really have to say that it has been really good to be away from everyone someday as you see who are you true friend and who are just a mate that don’t care about you.
I mean I have been gone almost one week and no one has really asked me how I am or have missed me, the funny thing is that the only one that has missed me has to be niece she always tell me when she sees me I have missed you so much Auntie. But no friend at all has bothered to call me or even send me a message on facebook to ask how I am?
Really who are my friends I guess no one for real, the only one that I have been talking to these days is Michael and that has been on skype, but others have not even said hello or anything as always. Well at least I have had a good time to think who I want in my life and not, and honest there is only 40 people I want in my life the others I don’t want as they never speak to me or care about me.
I know who will come to special times as weddings, birthdays, and when I actually have more important things, and that will be my family and really close friends that I know care about me as a friend, the others can really go to hell, and forget that they are invited to my things.
A friendship is not one way thing, it is two ways and two people have to work for the friendship to work, not only one person that should always call or start the talk.
Now to the other thing I am planning in my life and it is the summer, I will go to Denmark for one day with my mum and dad as it seem now to show my special angel the town, and so he can go on the bridge that is not so special really as I have been there before like with my class when it was really new, we where one of the first people that took a ride on it. Then I will show him my town, but also other places that I know he will love as much as I do.
The other thing is liseberg my sister is really looking forward to go there with us as she want to go on atmosphere but I can’t go on it, stupid heart!
Now on Saturday I really hope that Manchester United wins Champions League as I like them more than Barcelona FC!
I mean I have been gone almost one week and no one has really asked me how I am or have missed me, the funny thing is that the only one that has missed me has to be niece she always tell me when she sees me I have missed you so much Auntie. But no friend at all has bothered to call me or even send me a message on facebook to ask how I am?
Really who are my friends I guess no one for real, the only one that I have been talking to these days is Michael and that has been on skype, but others have not even said hello or anything as always. Well at least I have had a good time to think who I want in my life and not, and honest there is only 40 people I want in my life the others I don’t want as they never speak to me or care about me.
I know who will come to special times as weddings, birthdays, and when I actually have more important things, and that will be my family and really close friends that I know care about me as a friend, the others can really go to hell, and forget that they are invited to my things.
A friendship is not one way thing, it is two ways and two people have to work for the friendship to work, not only one person that should always call or start the talk.
Now to the other thing I am planning in my life and it is the summer, I will go to Denmark for one day with my mum and dad as it seem now to show my special angel the town, and so he can go on the bridge that is not so special really as I have been there before like with my class when it was really new, we where one of the first people that took a ride on it. Then I will show him my town, but also other places that I know he will love as much as I do.
The other thing is liseberg my sister is really looking forward to go there with us as she want to go on atmosphere but I can’t go on it, stupid heart!
Now on Saturday I really hope that Manchester United wins Champions League as I like them more than Barcelona FC!
Tuesday 17 May 2011
Life in general :)
I really don’t know what I name this or what I shall write about but I will guess I can write about something that pisses me off. Why is everything so damn expensive here in Sweden? Well the thing is that I am lucky to have my mother and father that help me with things as I really am poor.
But I know what I will do at least today I will clean out my bookshelf as I will get a bed sofa from my sister. My friends say that I am spoiled maybe that is true maybe not, but I really don’t buy as much things as you think. The last thing I bought to myself was leggings, and they were cheap as hell as one pair here cost like £10 anyway that is the last thing I have bought myself.
That other thing that bugs me is the damn people that think they know me, really how many do know me complete? I guess there is just one that knows me as good as I do myself and it is Michael as I have open up myself to him, he knows how I am from the inside to the outside, somehow the hardest thing to do was to open up myself to anyone as If you know me I am totally fucked up with my thoughts.
People say I have a easy life but that is not true either, as I have as hard as anyone else in this world, okay I am born in the right place in this world, I have things yeah but things aren’t worth anything when you are alone and scared, I mean not for that I am that as I really have one that I share everything with, my home is his home. But the thing people don’t know about me is really easy I am scared of lots of things, I mean I am scared of the dark, that is the reason I sleep with the lights on and if they are off I hug my pillow more than anything as I am so scared, and when it is thunder outside I cry because I am so damn scared of it. I know it will not hurt me but I am scared and I have been that my whole life, and yeah I do blame my grandmother for that, silly as she was she was scared of it and she kept taking me to the closet when it was thunder outside when I was younger. It really don’t help that the lightning has hit our street more than one time, and that it seem to mess up my head.
What more can I say well life is something that you can think about for ages and forever to be honest, I am listen to Eric Saade at the moment a song called popular and why do people want to be popular? I mean I really don’t care if I am that or not, never really have cared about it. I remember how people mean has been to me, and it was those that were popular because I always stand for what I said and had on me. I mean when I went to my high school, I mostly was dressed like a snob and trust me it was snobby, but then on Fridays every Friday for three years I went with knee socks, short skirts and a white jumper on me, just because no one else had the guts to do it. I remember the boys went crazy over that tried to look under my skirt, but all I did was to be myself.
Or when it was hockey OS game when I went to 7 grade, 1998 oh damn I remember the happiness I had. Okay it was Sweden – Finland game and I knew I would be beaten up as I don’t cheer on Sweden as I am Finnish, anyway the whole school was in the aula as it is special game, in the end it was the crazy Johanna that jumped on the tables as Finland won the game, but I remember those that went to the ninth grade they told everyone that person that touch Johanna gets killed as they were proud of me for standing on my team, screaming and I was really happy, this is my best memory from my school time and it is a damn silly memory, but it was the only day that I didn’t get teased or bullied.
And this Sunday 15 May 2011 Finland won the gold medal in ice hockey world cup and I was jumping on my bed as one happy kid, I wrote to my dad text like the gold is ours, with tears in the eyes, it is so huge for me that we won the gold, but there are not so many that like that as we beat Sweden, I have always heard that I am bad because I love my own national team, but I am damn proud of being a supporter that is patriotic. My friends that thought that Sweden would win can just start crying, and I will ask you all how do it feel to be bad losers? Not even shaking hands with the Finnish players? Yeah and silly as the Swedish players are they throw away their SILVER medals, why can’t they be happy for a silver as everyone else would be?
Oh my god this blog post becomes a long one as I don’t use to write so long ones! Well I hope you have got me some bit anyway'
But I know what I will do at least today I will clean out my bookshelf as I will get a bed sofa from my sister. My friends say that I am spoiled maybe that is true maybe not, but I really don’t buy as much things as you think. The last thing I bought to myself was leggings, and they were cheap as hell as one pair here cost like £10 anyway that is the last thing I have bought myself.
That other thing that bugs me is the damn people that think they know me, really how many do know me complete? I guess there is just one that knows me as good as I do myself and it is Michael as I have open up myself to him, he knows how I am from the inside to the outside, somehow the hardest thing to do was to open up myself to anyone as If you know me I am totally fucked up with my thoughts.
People say I have a easy life but that is not true either, as I have as hard as anyone else in this world, okay I am born in the right place in this world, I have things yeah but things aren’t worth anything when you are alone and scared, I mean not for that I am that as I really have one that I share everything with, my home is his home. But the thing people don’t know about me is really easy I am scared of lots of things, I mean I am scared of the dark, that is the reason I sleep with the lights on and if they are off I hug my pillow more than anything as I am so scared, and when it is thunder outside I cry because I am so damn scared of it. I know it will not hurt me but I am scared and I have been that my whole life, and yeah I do blame my grandmother for that, silly as she was she was scared of it and she kept taking me to the closet when it was thunder outside when I was younger. It really don’t help that the lightning has hit our street more than one time, and that it seem to mess up my head.
What more can I say well life is something that you can think about for ages and forever to be honest, I am listen to Eric Saade at the moment a song called popular and why do people want to be popular? I mean I really don’t care if I am that or not, never really have cared about it. I remember how people mean has been to me, and it was those that were popular because I always stand for what I said and had on me. I mean when I went to my high school, I mostly was dressed like a snob and trust me it was snobby, but then on Fridays every Friday for three years I went with knee socks, short skirts and a white jumper on me, just because no one else had the guts to do it. I remember the boys went crazy over that tried to look under my skirt, but all I did was to be myself.
Or when it was hockey OS game when I went to 7 grade, 1998 oh damn I remember the happiness I had. Okay it was Sweden – Finland game and I knew I would be beaten up as I don’t cheer on Sweden as I am Finnish, anyway the whole school was in the aula as it is special game, in the end it was the crazy Johanna that jumped on the tables as Finland won the game, but I remember those that went to the ninth grade they told everyone that person that touch Johanna gets killed as they were proud of me for standing on my team, screaming and I was really happy, this is my best memory from my school time and it is a damn silly memory, but it was the only day that I didn’t get teased or bullied.
And this Sunday 15 May 2011 Finland won the gold medal in ice hockey world cup and I was jumping on my bed as one happy kid, I wrote to my dad text like the gold is ours, with tears in the eyes, it is so huge for me that we won the gold, but there are not so many that like that as we beat Sweden, I have always heard that I am bad because I love my own national team, but I am damn proud of being a supporter that is patriotic. My friends that thought that Sweden would win can just start crying, and I will ask you all how do it feel to be bad losers? Not even shaking hands with the Finnish players? Yeah and silly as the Swedish players are they throw away their SILVER medals, why can’t they be happy for a silver as everyone else would be?
Oh my god this blog post becomes a long one as I don’t use to write so long ones! Well I hope you have got me some bit anyway'
Friday 13 May 2011
BAD LUCK!
Bad luck – this is something I will talk about today as I have had really bad luck the last time as it seems. I think it started like two weeks ago for me, somehow I have fall more than usual.
Let me start with the thing, I fall when I was walking on the ground thankfully I did not break any bones or anything like that. Then some days later I was on the shopping mall and they did a robbery in the middle of the day in the store beside me, and I had my niece that was so scared as they had guns, then where I live have become a shite hole these days, they start fires and things like that.
Well now to yesterday I was showering and the shower head broke, Do I have to tell you how this end? I fall in the bathtub and really hurt myself, but I did not break any bones. But I had to clean the bath room as it was water on the floor! Yesterday was really bad, honest! ARGH!
Then today it really was too much, as I went down to my basement I saw they had done a robbery in it >_< I lost lot of things thanks to that, and my lock to the basement place was the hardest one to break too. But the still had come in, and stolen lots of things, like ten university books! That cost in average £60 then think about the total prize of the books! Then they had taken two chest of drawers I had there, a living room table, and other things, like towels, bed clothes and other things, oh I really hope I will get some money for the things, I really am pissed at the people that has taken the things! It is not that I care about things, as I can always buy new things, but the thing is that someone stole them, I was thinking of selling the things so I could have got a bit money for them but now they are gone, ARGH! That is bad, I am thinking like why do all the bad luck happen to me, but it is not just me, other people have as bad luck as I am having. I really hope that I will have some good luck for many years now as I am not happy as I have bad luck. At least I think I know why I have felt so bad the last time as it seems that I have had this on my mind in some strange way. So today I called the police and they will not do anything as there is no evidence there >.< I know they are bad, but who can blame them!
My niece was like telling my mum: someone has stolen Johanna’s things, she was a bit sad. She also told me one thing today when I was talking to her, she had spoken to her dad, and said I love you to him and cried because she miss him so much, it really breaks my heart to see her so sad, I feel like I can’t comfort anyone these days. But she asked me if I miss anyone that I want to cry, and I told her I do, and she said just one thing, funny enough she is right, I do miss Michael more than anyone else knows.
This was all for today!
Jo
Let me start with the thing, I fall when I was walking on the ground thankfully I did not break any bones or anything like that. Then some days later I was on the shopping mall and they did a robbery in the middle of the day in the store beside me, and I had my niece that was so scared as they had guns, then where I live have become a shite hole these days, they start fires and things like that.
Well now to yesterday I was showering and the shower head broke, Do I have to tell you how this end? I fall in the bathtub and really hurt myself, but I did not break any bones. But I had to clean the bath room as it was water on the floor! Yesterday was really bad, honest! ARGH!
Then today it really was too much, as I went down to my basement I saw they had done a robbery in it >_< I lost lot of things thanks to that, and my lock to the basement place was the hardest one to break too. But the still had come in, and stolen lots of things, like ten university books! That cost in average £60 then think about the total prize of the books! Then they had taken two chest of drawers I had there, a living room table, and other things, like towels, bed clothes and other things, oh I really hope I will get some money for the things, I really am pissed at the people that has taken the things! It is not that I care about things, as I can always buy new things, but the thing is that someone stole them, I was thinking of selling the things so I could have got a bit money for them but now they are gone, ARGH! That is bad, I am thinking like why do all the bad luck happen to me, but it is not just me, other people have as bad luck as I am having. I really hope that I will have some good luck for many years now as I am not happy as I have bad luck. At least I think I know why I have felt so bad the last time as it seems that I have had this on my mind in some strange way. So today I called the police and they will not do anything as there is no evidence there >.< I know they are bad, but who can blame them!
My niece was like telling my mum: someone has stolen Johanna’s things, she was a bit sad. She also told me one thing today when I was talking to her, she had spoken to her dad, and said I love you to him and cried because she miss him so much, it really breaks my heart to see her so sad, I feel like I can’t comfort anyone these days. But she asked me if I miss anyone that I want to cry, and I told her I do, and she said just one thing, funny enough she is right, I do miss Michael more than anyone else knows.
This was all for today!
Jo
Thursday 12 May 2011
Food issues !
Today I want to talk about something that people really don’t know about me. I have an eating disorder I know it is bad, but sometimes I don’t eat for hours and then when I eat I feel so bad because I don’t want to eat. But I know I have to eat.
Well to be honest I think it started when I was in high school when I was swimming as everyone was so small, and my coach said I was a bit fat, and when I think about the times, I was thin probably the smallest one. But I started to go on a diet and I was as tall as I am now and I weigh like 35 kg oh yeah I was really fat or I thought that as my coach told me that.. But in the end I was really thin and really close to be underweight more than anyone realize.
But the thing is now today I can feel the same as I felt when I was 13, that is bad feeling I feel like I am not enough and that makes me go back to the eating thing, I somehow punish myself and not eat for hours, then when I eat I really just want to go and puke it up, but today I am stronger so I don’t go and puke up the food, but it is a struggle to eat the damn food.
The thing that saved me in the end was burgers, and I still love burgers thanks for the only reason that they made me go up some weight but then I have my heart everything is really fucked up in my mind for now. I am scared I will get back to the eating trouble I have had a long time ago, and still have them. Oh yeah people think you are strong but there is things that makes you not so strong, and mine is probably food, and then thunder, damn the thunder is something I am so scared of.
Any way I wish the eating thing will go away for good, as I really like food, but I now I don’t feel for eating and that is really bad for me. How can I get away that feeling that I don't want to eat?
Well to be honest I think it started when I was in high school when I was swimming as everyone was so small, and my coach said I was a bit fat, and when I think about the times, I was thin probably the smallest one. But I started to go on a diet and I was as tall as I am now and I weigh like 35 kg oh yeah I was really fat or I thought that as my coach told me that.. But in the end I was really thin and really close to be underweight more than anyone realize.
But the thing is now today I can feel the same as I felt when I was 13, that is bad feeling I feel like I am not enough and that makes me go back to the eating thing, I somehow punish myself and not eat for hours, then when I eat I really just want to go and puke it up, but today I am stronger so I don’t go and puke up the food, but it is a struggle to eat the damn food.
The thing that saved me in the end was burgers, and I still love burgers thanks for the only reason that they made me go up some weight but then I have my heart everything is really fucked up in my mind for now. I am scared I will get back to the eating trouble I have had a long time ago, and still have them. Oh yeah people think you are strong but there is things that makes you not so strong, and mine is probably food, and then thunder, damn the thunder is something I am so scared of.
Any way I wish the eating thing will go away for good, as I really like food, but I now I don’t feel for eating and that is really bad for me. How can I get away that feeling that I don't want to eat?
Saturday 7 May 2011
No name
Well lets talk about something that really annoys me, I mean you can do lots of things but than you don't get respond or things like that.
Let me take one thing that has happen to me many times it is when you are arguing with someone, trust me, I get pissed really easy not good I know. But it is when the other person always is trying to get the last word, or saying when you are angry that you almost boil it is when the other person say Jo, you are so wrong here, at least you should calm down and confess that! Trust me that annoys me even more and as I am angry I will just continue and get more angry at the person as I am arguing with, and I say things that I don't really mean but they come out so badly sometimes. Have that happen to you?
The other thing that bothers me is when people say they know me, trust me you don't know me anymore you did before. I have changed a lot the past five years in thoughts and everything. I know I have always said I want to get engaged and get married after six months of the engagement but today I wouldn't care if it is one months to five years until I get married.
The one thing that is really funny about some of my friends it is when they tell me I know what you are thinking and what you are going through. This one is my favorite part as no one else than myself can know what I am thinking about and how I feel about things. I mean I was really sad for one thing but people thought I was happy, as I never wanted to say that I was sad, and I can really hide what I am feeling as I don't always want to share my thoughts and that with my friends and family.
My friends don't like when I get sad as I don't talk why I am sad, but mostly it is because I miss my grandpa so much I know he has been gone for a long time, but what people don't understand it is that he was my everything, he was probably the one that I loved the most in my whole family. After my baby cat Molle that is sadly gone too :< But honest I can't stop crying when I think about it, or get sad, I know for a fact he will never ever be able to see me get married, have kids, but mostly I can never hug him and I am so happy I hugged him the last time I did, because I never use to hug them other wise but I hugged him and said I love you Grandpa, and when he was in the hospital I had to do the worst call ever to him because I knew he only had days to live.
I called him with tears in my voice and trust me I remember the whole talk: Granpa, I hope you are okay atleast, and he answer with huge pains in his voice yes I am okay Johanna. Then I continued to talk abit about a memory I don't want to share here, and he laughed but then I heard how he got really tired and the last words I said to him was I love you, Remember that, and what he said back will always haunt me. I see you next summer Johanna bye. He knew as much as we others that he wouldn't be around next summer but at least I was able to say I love you Grandpa at least he knew that :)
Why is my friends so damn mean when it comes to him, maybe because he has been gone for so long.
And why is there so many that always want the last word?
I know that I have done many things wrong, but when I do the right thing, there is always people that will be the idiot and ignore what you say to them, even if you mean it from the deepest of your heart!
I am sorry if I have hurt anyone; I am sorry If I am happy, but mostly I feel sorry for you not letting things go away, Be happy and live your life. Be in love be friendly! I am happy and I am in love and that is something that isn't gonna change in years :)
So with this words I want to end this post :
Judge nothing, you will be happy. Forgive everything, you will be happier. Love everything, you will be happiest. -Sri Chinmoy
Jo
Let me take one thing that has happen to me many times it is when you are arguing with someone, trust me, I get pissed really easy not good I know. But it is when the other person always is trying to get the last word, or saying when you are angry that you almost boil it is when the other person say Jo, you are so wrong here, at least you should calm down and confess that! Trust me that annoys me even more and as I am angry I will just continue and get more angry at the person as I am arguing with, and I say things that I don't really mean but they come out so badly sometimes. Have that happen to you?
The other thing that bothers me is when people say they know me, trust me you don't know me anymore you did before. I have changed a lot the past five years in thoughts and everything. I know I have always said I want to get engaged and get married after six months of the engagement but today I wouldn't care if it is one months to five years until I get married.
The one thing that is really funny about some of my friends it is when they tell me I know what you are thinking and what you are going through. This one is my favorite part as no one else than myself can know what I am thinking about and how I feel about things. I mean I was really sad for one thing but people thought I was happy, as I never wanted to say that I was sad, and I can really hide what I am feeling as I don't always want to share my thoughts and that with my friends and family.
My friends don't like when I get sad as I don't talk why I am sad, but mostly it is because I miss my grandpa so much I know he has been gone for a long time, but what people don't understand it is that he was my everything, he was probably the one that I loved the most in my whole family. After my baby cat Molle that is sadly gone too :< But honest I can't stop crying when I think about it, or get sad, I know for a fact he will never ever be able to see me get married, have kids, but mostly I can never hug him and I am so happy I hugged him the last time I did, because I never use to hug them other wise but I hugged him and said I love you Grandpa, and when he was in the hospital I had to do the worst call ever to him because I knew he only had days to live.
I called him with tears in my voice and trust me I remember the whole talk: Granpa, I hope you are okay atleast, and he answer with huge pains in his voice yes I am okay Johanna. Then I continued to talk abit about a memory I don't want to share here, and he laughed but then I heard how he got really tired and the last words I said to him was I love you, Remember that, and what he said back will always haunt me. I see you next summer Johanna bye. He knew as much as we others that he wouldn't be around next summer but at least I was able to say I love you Grandpa at least he knew that :)
Why is my friends so damn mean when it comes to him, maybe because he has been gone for so long.
And why is there so many that always want the last word?
I know that I have done many things wrong, but when I do the right thing, there is always people that will be the idiot and ignore what you say to them, even if you mean it from the deepest of your heart!
I am sorry if I have hurt anyone; I am sorry If I am happy, but mostly I feel sorry for you not letting things go away, Be happy and live your life. Be in love be friendly! I am happy and I am in love and that is something that isn't gonna change in years :)
So with this words I want to end this post :
Judge nothing, you will be happy. Forgive everything, you will be happier. Love everything, you will be happiest. -Sri Chinmoy
Jo
Wednesday 4 May 2011
My talk to my blog :)
I really just want to speak to someone so I will speak to my own blog, because mostly it will not say to me that I am silly, idiot or something else mean things it will just listen to me. That is all I want for now
People seems to dislike me and it is really making me think what have I done that is so terrible that they dislike me, or even don’t like me as a human, all I ever try to do is to be honest and live a good life. Try to be a nice person and be the one some people have taught me to be, but honest sometimes I am about to explode in a bad way, as people do things that hurts more than they should hurt. As today Jonas my ex boyfriend is trying to be my friend but he is not my friend anymore he is just my ex boyfriend and he is the last person on this earth I want to have anything to do with I would rather die than to be his friend again.
Then the other thing that I was thinking the other things that makes me happy it is really making me so happy it brings me happy tears in the eyes, I will tell you all why I am so happy.
It is because I really know why people are jealous of me for once in my life I am perfectly happy and in love, I am so happy that I want everyone to know that. When people ask me why I am so happy that I smile without knowing it, I smile because there is one that loves me or who I am no matter what I like or don’t like. There are not so many people that respect me for who I am, I don’t know why but they seem to miss who I am and what I am like. I always forgive people I shouldn’t forgive because I am nice, but somehow I don’t get how I can be the bitch and the bad person always.
When I start to think back I am always the person that has got blamed for everything for every single thing even when I haven’t done anything. I can remember one thing it was in class some girls talked trash about me and we where about 11 years old and they stand 2 meters from me and talked so I told the teacher that they did talk trash about me and you know what the teacher did. He blamed me, I really never understood why he blamed me, but he was the only person that could have stopped the trash talk but instead he let them talk and they continued and in the end I was the one that got hurt, and still am hurt. Because it never end never ever ends. Why can’t people leave me alone and let me be happy as I am with Michael?
Michael is the one that makes me smile, when he hugs me my world stops for seconds because I realize how lucky I am to have his love, to have his support, and when he kiss me I feel something that I have never ever felt in my life that is joy and happiness. I feel so safe when I sleep beside him, I want him to hug me all night long, I want him to be the one that saves me from everything, because when I am with him I know I am in the right place. I love him with my whole heart and I know that one day I can be the one that stops his world as he stops mine; I really know what true love is when I am with him, before I did not know what love was about.
When I wake up beside Michael I fall in love again twice as much as I was the night before, because when you look in his green eyes you drown in them, and when he smiles and says I love you I really just feel like a little girl that wants to hide. Everything feels right with Michael even things I don’t want to talk about here but everything feels right with him.
Now I will think about the future I will have with the best lad in this world, and hope that he asks me the question I want him to ask me on a special place.
Michael Miles I love you so much and I want you to feel as I do. My angel I want you to be here because I feel lost and heartbroken when you are so far away, but in the same time I feel more blessed than I have ever done, I feel stronger than I have ever done, you make me smile even when I am sad, even if we like different things we always will love each other.
I love you my own Blowfish <3
People seems to dislike me and it is really making me think what have I done that is so terrible that they dislike me, or even don’t like me as a human, all I ever try to do is to be honest and live a good life. Try to be a nice person and be the one some people have taught me to be, but honest sometimes I am about to explode in a bad way, as people do things that hurts more than they should hurt. As today Jonas my ex boyfriend is trying to be my friend but he is not my friend anymore he is just my ex boyfriend and he is the last person on this earth I want to have anything to do with I would rather die than to be his friend again.
Then the other thing that I was thinking the other things that makes me happy it is really making me so happy it brings me happy tears in the eyes, I will tell you all why I am so happy.
It is because I really know why people are jealous of me for once in my life I am perfectly happy and in love, I am so happy that I want everyone to know that. When people ask me why I am so happy that I smile without knowing it, I smile because there is one that loves me or who I am no matter what I like or don’t like. There are not so many people that respect me for who I am, I don’t know why but they seem to miss who I am and what I am like. I always forgive people I shouldn’t forgive because I am nice, but somehow I don’t get how I can be the bitch and the bad person always.
When I start to think back I am always the person that has got blamed for everything for every single thing even when I haven’t done anything. I can remember one thing it was in class some girls talked trash about me and we where about 11 years old and they stand 2 meters from me and talked so I told the teacher that they did talk trash about me and you know what the teacher did. He blamed me, I really never understood why he blamed me, but he was the only person that could have stopped the trash talk but instead he let them talk and they continued and in the end I was the one that got hurt, and still am hurt. Because it never end never ever ends. Why can’t people leave me alone and let me be happy as I am with Michael?
Michael is the one that makes me smile, when he hugs me my world stops for seconds because I realize how lucky I am to have his love, to have his support, and when he kiss me I feel something that I have never ever felt in my life that is joy and happiness. I feel so safe when I sleep beside him, I want him to hug me all night long, I want him to be the one that saves me from everything, because when I am with him I know I am in the right place. I love him with my whole heart and I know that one day I can be the one that stops his world as he stops mine; I really know what true love is when I am with him, before I did not know what love was about.
When I wake up beside Michael I fall in love again twice as much as I was the night before, because when you look in his green eyes you drown in them, and when he smiles and says I love you I really just feel like a little girl that wants to hide. Everything feels right with Michael even things I don’t want to talk about here but everything feels right with him.
Now I will think about the future I will have with the best lad in this world, and hope that he asks me the question I want him to ask me on a special place.
Michael Miles I love you so much and I want you to feel as I do. My angel I want you to be here because I feel lost and heartbroken when you are so far away, but in the same time I feel more blessed than I have ever done, I feel stronger than I have ever done, you make me smile even when I am sad, even if we like different things we always will love each other.
I love you my own Blowfish <3
Monday 2 May 2011
Something just
Today I want to talk about players, do anyone know what a player is. As I have lots of male friends I have seen them played girls so many times, but how the hell could I miss when I got played? I should really have been more awake.
I mean I saw Linus, Fredrik, Mikeal, Daniel, Vincent, Erik and some part even Jonas play lots of girls but I never saw when I got played. Because you tend to miss it, I don’t know how I could miss it when I have seen it so many times.
Let me start with those girls those have played jeez I really feel so bad for the girls deep down, many of them was people I knew but I never ever said anything to them as they liked the boy that played them, then in the end I heard the boys brag about the shag, the kissing and what they did with her. Then the worst thing was probably when I started to listen to the girls how they really got used by the boys and all I did was lie to them, saying that the boy would call them.
I even helped the boys to hook up with girl by lie that they where sweet and totally awesome and that I do regret. Because when I got played and I never ever listen to my friends that would have saved me lots of pain, lots of heartbreak and the humiliation that came after it updated. I have never been so embarrassed so many laughed at me, so many thought I was stupid to think that he loved me, and the worst part was that I stayed so long time with him, when all my friends warned me from him, The only think I did promise myself was to close my heart forever, never let anyone come close to it. I don’t ever want to be that girl that everyone laughs at one time again; I want to be the person that no one really cares about more than my loved one.
So what is the point to fall in love when you might get hurt and played again you ask me? If you don’t dare to fall in love and risking getting hurt and humiliated you might miss the one person that will being your prince that will take care of you whenever you need someone to take care of you. People ask me if I am ready to fight for love, and yes I am ready I am ready to take the big step to get married and live happy for the rest of my life. Honest I never thought I would say this but I am so ready for all those things, that I can even change my last name and trust me that is a huge thing for me.
I would kill for one person and that is how strong I feel for someone…
I mean I saw Linus, Fredrik, Mikeal, Daniel, Vincent, Erik and some part even Jonas play lots of girls but I never saw when I got played. Because you tend to miss it, I don’t know how I could miss it when I have seen it so many times.
Let me start with those girls those have played jeez I really feel so bad for the girls deep down, many of them was people I knew but I never ever said anything to them as they liked the boy that played them, then in the end I heard the boys brag about the shag, the kissing and what they did with her. Then the worst thing was probably when I started to listen to the girls how they really got used by the boys and all I did was lie to them, saying that the boy would call them.
I even helped the boys to hook up with girl by lie that they where sweet and totally awesome and that I do regret. Because when I got played and I never ever listen to my friends that would have saved me lots of pain, lots of heartbreak and the humiliation that came after it updated. I have never been so embarrassed so many laughed at me, so many thought I was stupid to think that he loved me, and the worst part was that I stayed so long time with him, when all my friends warned me from him, The only think I did promise myself was to close my heart forever, never let anyone come close to it. I don’t ever want to be that girl that everyone laughs at one time again; I want to be the person that no one really cares about more than my loved one.
So what is the point to fall in love when you might get hurt and played again you ask me? If you don’t dare to fall in love and risking getting hurt and humiliated you might miss the one person that will being your prince that will take care of you whenever you need someone to take care of you. People ask me if I am ready to fight for love, and yes I am ready I am ready to take the big step to get married and live happy for the rest of my life. Honest I never thought I would say this but I am so ready for all those things, that I can even change my last name and trust me that is a huge thing for me.
I would kill for one person and that is how strong I feel for someone…
Sunday 1 May 2011
Football and Ice hockey
I will write this post while I am watching Romeo and Juliet from 1996.
I have to say this because people think they know me. So let me start with things you really don’t know about me.
I will tell you the reason why I do cheer on Finland and not Sweden in ice hockey as I am born in well Sweden, I will tell you why. Okay as some people know I am a Finnish citizen and my dad thought me one important lesson when I was young and it was that Finnish people never ever cheer on Sweden in ice hockey they hate each other. It is like if you are English and you cheer on France in football, I know it is a bad example, but the best I can come up with. I do love Finland’s hockey team more than anything else and I rather cheer on the other team Sweden plays against, my close mates knows this because I am not ashamed to confess that I love Finland more than anything else.
Now to my favorite team in ice hockey it is Frölunda Indians Hockey team, because I live in Gothenburg and it is the only hockey team here, and I do hate Färjestand, every team that is from north Sweden and of course I hate the Stockholm’s teams that are in the league. But I can cheer on some other teams here in Sweden, like HV71 if they play against a Stockholm team.
Everyone that knows me for the person I am knows that I love Ice hockey more than football but I do watch every football game that you can see on telly and online but here is the thing there is some different loves in the football cheering thing.
There is only one love for me in the national teams and it is Sweden I love them with passion and if they meet the best teams alive I always cheer on them and I don’t care I have Swedish flags on my face and I am a proud supporter, but if they aren’t in the Euro’s or World cup I cheer on England this is something I have always done and will always do. But if England is playing against Sweden I hate them with passion. That is how I love it. It will be extremely fun to watch a Sweden – England game as my boyfriend is English, because if his team wins I would get pissed and if my team wins he will get pissed. No winning position here, but I would make sure if we get kids that they like the both teams as one of us is loving the other team, my boyfriend might not think like me but that is one thing I will teach our kids.
Then I love my home team IFK Göteborg and honest I will love them always more than some other team, and yeah I have started to like IFK but my heart beats for Örgryte more than anything but honest I am happy If IFK wins the league here, and if they would meet Liverpool footballs club, Real Madrid, Barcelona, Manchester United, Arsenal or even Milan I would hate the other teams with passion because my heart beats for IFK Göteborg no other team! Oh that is shocking to say, but there are other teams I like as Liverpool FC, Real Madrid, Atletico Madrid, Manchester United, And Barcelona minus Messi, I really hate him with passion. I like Ronaldo more than Messi, well another story to be honest. So what I want to say I like the other teams not love them, there is a huge different thing to love something and to like them.
I mean how many teams can you love to be honest? My opinion on that is your own home team you love, and home country and you love them with passion otherwise you are ashamed of where you are from, and that is something you shouldn’t be.
I would be extremely happy if my boyfriend’s teams will go good, because if he gets happy I would be happy. I know he supports Liverpool just because one reason really but that is his love, and he supports them with passion, and his country jeez he is a maniac when it comes to the national teams. We spoke about Ice hockey some days ago I tried to make him cheer on Finland but nope he wants to support England that isn’t in the world cup in hockey but still he is so passion with his own country as you should be. But I know he would be extremely happy for me if Finland wins the world cup as I love them. That is how it should be you can ask my friend who got happy when Canada won over Sweden in a world cup final? Me I screamed so loud that they lost and came second, and when Finland loses to Sweden I want to kill everyone that reminds me of it as I love Finland. To be honest I rub it in my friend’s faces if Finland wins over Sweden but that is who I am.
You should love the things that are close to you more than anything else, but you should also be happy if it goes good for other teams that your loved one loves with passion.
So this is all I am gonna talk about today and this blog post got longer than I thought but people need to get to know the truth about me someday. I love Sweden and IKF in football and I love Finland and Frölunda Indians.
Hope you have enjoyed this post otherwise fuck off and have a nice day.
Kisses and hugs, fuck you!
I have to say this because people think they know me. So let me start with things you really don’t know about me.
I will tell you the reason why I do cheer on Finland and not Sweden in ice hockey as I am born in well Sweden, I will tell you why. Okay as some people know I am a Finnish citizen and my dad thought me one important lesson when I was young and it was that Finnish people never ever cheer on Sweden in ice hockey they hate each other. It is like if you are English and you cheer on France in football, I know it is a bad example, but the best I can come up with. I do love Finland’s hockey team more than anything else and I rather cheer on the other team Sweden plays against, my close mates knows this because I am not ashamed to confess that I love Finland more than anything else.
Now to my favorite team in ice hockey it is Frölunda Indians Hockey team, because I live in Gothenburg and it is the only hockey team here, and I do hate Färjestand, every team that is from north Sweden and of course I hate the Stockholm’s teams that are in the league. But I can cheer on some other teams here in Sweden, like HV71 if they play against a Stockholm team.
Everyone that knows me for the person I am knows that I love Ice hockey more than football but I do watch every football game that you can see on telly and online but here is the thing there is some different loves in the football cheering thing.
There is only one love for me in the national teams and it is Sweden I love them with passion and if they meet the best teams alive I always cheer on them and I don’t care I have Swedish flags on my face and I am a proud supporter, but if they aren’t in the Euro’s or World cup I cheer on England this is something I have always done and will always do. But if England is playing against Sweden I hate them with passion. That is how I love it. It will be extremely fun to watch a Sweden – England game as my boyfriend is English, because if his team wins I would get pissed and if my team wins he will get pissed. No winning position here, but I would make sure if we get kids that they like the both teams as one of us is loving the other team, my boyfriend might not think like me but that is one thing I will teach our kids.
Then I love my home team IFK Göteborg and honest I will love them always more than some other team, and yeah I have started to like IFK but my heart beats for Örgryte more than anything but honest I am happy If IFK wins the league here, and if they would meet Liverpool footballs club, Real Madrid, Barcelona, Manchester United, Arsenal or even Milan I would hate the other teams with passion because my heart beats for IFK Göteborg no other team! Oh that is shocking to say, but there are other teams I like as Liverpool FC, Real Madrid, Atletico Madrid, Manchester United, And Barcelona minus Messi, I really hate him with passion. I like Ronaldo more than Messi, well another story to be honest. So what I want to say I like the other teams not love them, there is a huge different thing to love something and to like them.
I mean how many teams can you love to be honest? My opinion on that is your own home team you love, and home country and you love them with passion otherwise you are ashamed of where you are from, and that is something you shouldn’t be.
I would be extremely happy if my boyfriend’s teams will go good, because if he gets happy I would be happy. I know he supports Liverpool just because one reason really but that is his love, and he supports them with passion, and his country jeez he is a maniac when it comes to the national teams. We spoke about Ice hockey some days ago I tried to make him cheer on Finland but nope he wants to support England that isn’t in the world cup in hockey but still he is so passion with his own country as you should be. But I know he would be extremely happy for me if Finland wins the world cup as I love them. That is how it should be you can ask my friend who got happy when Canada won over Sweden in a world cup final? Me I screamed so loud that they lost and came second, and when Finland loses to Sweden I want to kill everyone that reminds me of it as I love Finland. To be honest I rub it in my friend’s faces if Finland wins over Sweden but that is who I am.
You should love the things that are close to you more than anything else, but you should also be happy if it goes good for other teams that your loved one loves with passion.
So this is all I am gonna talk about today and this blog post got longer than I thought but people need to get to know the truth about me someday. I love Sweden and IKF in football and I love Finland and Frölunda Indians.
Hope you have enjoyed this post otherwise fuck off and have a nice day.
Kisses and hugs, fuck you!
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