My dear Grandpa, there’s nothing I wouldn’t do to hear your voice again, sometimes I wanna call you but I know you won’t be there, as you are gone. Just that some days I feel broke inside but I won’t admit, sometimes I just wanna hide because it’s you I miss, and it’s so hard to say goodbye ever when you are where you are, are you looking down upon me? Are you proud of who I am? There’s nothing I wouldn’t do to have just one more chance to look in to your eyes and say I love you, if I had just one more day with you I would tell you how much I that I’ve missed you since you’ve been away from me, you where the one that made me feel loved you where the one that was my friend when I alone.
Then I start to think about my other baby Molle my lovely cat I had for so many years, I slept with him every single night except the one year I was with you so much, why did the most important people leave me? Why couldn’t they live and the idiots that walks this world just go away?
There is no one that gets how I feel Grandpa, I wish you where beside me telling me what to do with my life, what I should be, I feel so lost today and have been lost for some time, as I miss you, I miss Molle, I miss other people, I feel so alone, even when people are around me I feel alone and lost? Because I know I can’t call you and say Hey it is me, I will be coming to you, I love you.
The last phone conversation we had I heard how much you where in pain and I wanted to take it away from you, but you just said we will see each other next summer, you lied you knew you would pass away, When I said I love you, for the last time I could hear how you started to cry from the pain, I really hate that you got what you had, I wish someone else could have got it so I could have had you beside me. I miss you so much and I can’t think about you still without starting to cry like a baby, I can barely talk about you with my family as my voice dies away.
All I want is one more day with you so I can fell happy as I did when I was with you, when we fished when we played Zelda or Mario. Or when you gave me sweets and you smiled because you weren’t in pain.
It has been so long time since I could touch you since I could hug you, talk to you, and I am ashamed I haven’t been and see you since you passed away, since we put you to rest, I am the only one that has hide for five years as I can’t go there, I would break apart as I do when I think about you…
I just need one more day to tell you everything I want to tell you, but I will not get that day..
Sunday 17 July 2011
Saturday 16 July 2011
My talk about my eyes with Michael...
[23:44:21] Johanna: and damn ! how blue eyes I have
[23:44:28] Michael <3: sexy eyes =D
[23:44:35] Johanna: blueish
[23:44:47] Michael <3: sexy :*
[23:45:22] Johanna: I never saw how blue they become on the profile picture :S
[23:45:39] Michael <3: you have sexy blue eyes :)
[23:45:55] Johanna: Do I have so blue eyes?
[23:46:10] Michael <3: yeah :)
[23:46:25] Johanna: O____________o
[23:46:47] Michael <3: you should see them when you sucked my cock (blush)
[23:46:51] Michael <3: you looked so sexy (blush)
[23:47:05] Johanna: xD
[23:47:11] Johanna: how can I see that :h
[23:47:27] Michael <3: rhetorical statement :*
[23:47:37] Johanna: :)
[23:47:45] Johanna: still how did I look then :*
[23:48:00] Michael <3: sexy! ! ! ! ! :*
[23:48:19] Johanna: how sexy?
[23:48:26] Michael <3: very very very
[23:48:27] Michael <3: :*
[23:48:31] Johanna: Did you enjoy it?
[23:48:42] Michael <3: more than anything!
[23:48:56] Johanna: :)
[23:49:11] Johanna: bad to do a print screen her xD
[23:49:27] Michael <3: yeah :P
[23:49:36] Johanna: ;)
[23:49:45] Johanna: I can always put it out on fb ;)
[23:49:57] Michael <3: which? ;)
[23:50:08] Johanna: this converstation about erm my eyes :P
[23:50:15] Michael <3: it wouldn't bother me
[23:50:17] Michael <3: you know that
[23:50:18] Michael <3: :*
[23:50:54] Johanna: I know that ;) but there is soemthing bad in the converstation, that we might shouldnt show people :P oh wait I am an angel innocent as hell (angel)
[23:51:09] Michael <3: blowjob ;)
[23:51:18] Johanna: hahaha
[23:51:22] Johanna: oh yeah that i bad :P
[23:51:24] Michael <3: you love my cock ;)
[23:51:34] Johanna: I do love it :* nom nom gonna eat it :D
[23:51:53] Michael <3: you love it sliding in and out of your mouth
[23:51:57] Michael <3: as wet as it is ;)
[23:52:04 | Edited 23:52:13] Johanna: Eh who told you that !
[23:52:07] Michael <3: the head teasing your lips
[23:52:27] Michael <3: :*
[23:52:33] Johanna: Well you enjoy it as much as me...
[23:52:46] Michael <3: enjoy which? :P
[23:52:52] Michael <3: that could be one of a few things :P
[23:53:12] Johanna: the blowjob as much as I love giving them to you :*
[23:53:23] Michael <3: ofcourse
[23:53:29] Michael <3: because I love you and you give the best one ever :*
[23:53:47 | Edited 23:53:49] Johanna: ^_^ it is nice to lick it :P'
[23:53:53] Michael <3: lick my cock? ;)
[23:54:11] Johanna: yeah I do like to lick it teasing around the head :P
[23:54:25] Michael <3: you should do it more :P
[23:44:28] Michael <3: sexy eyes =D
[23:44:35] Johanna: blueish
[23:44:47] Michael <3: sexy :*
[23:45:22] Johanna: I never saw how blue they become on the profile picture :S
[23:45:39] Michael <3: you have sexy blue eyes :)
[23:45:55] Johanna: Do I have so blue eyes?
[23:46:10] Michael <3: yeah :)
[23:46:25] Johanna: O____________o
[23:46:47] Michael <3: you should see them when you sucked my cock (blush)
[23:46:51] Michael <3: you looked so sexy (blush)
[23:47:05] Johanna: xD
[23:47:11] Johanna: how can I see that :h
[23:47:27] Michael <3: rhetorical statement :*
[23:47:37] Johanna: :)
[23:47:45] Johanna: still how did I look then :*
[23:48:00] Michael <3: sexy! ! ! ! ! :*
[23:48:19] Johanna: how sexy?
[23:48:26] Michael <3: very very very
[23:48:27] Michael <3: :*
[23:48:31] Johanna: Did you enjoy it?
[23:48:42] Michael <3: more than anything!
[23:48:56] Johanna: :)
[23:49:11] Johanna: bad to do a print screen her xD
[23:49:27] Michael <3: yeah :P
[23:49:36] Johanna: ;)
[23:49:45] Johanna: I can always put it out on fb ;)
[23:49:57] Michael <3: which? ;)
[23:50:08] Johanna: this converstation about erm my eyes :P
[23:50:15] Michael <3: it wouldn't bother me
[23:50:17] Michael <3: you know that
[23:50:18] Michael <3: :*
[23:50:54] Johanna: I know that ;) but there is soemthing bad in the converstation, that we might shouldnt show people :P oh wait I am an angel innocent as hell (angel)
[23:51:09] Michael <3: blowjob ;)
[23:51:18] Johanna: hahaha
[23:51:22] Johanna: oh yeah that i bad :P
[23:51:24] Michael <3: you love my cock ;)
[23:51:34] Johanna: I do love it :* nom nom gonna eat it :D
[23:51:53] Michael <3: you love it sliding in and out of your mouth
[23:51:57] Michael <3: as wet as it is ;)
[23:52:04 | Edited 23:52:13] Johanna: Eh who told you that !
[23:52:07] Michael <3: the head teasing your lips
[23:52:27] Michael <3: :*
[23:52:33] Johanna: Well you enjoy it as much as me...
[23:52:46] Michael <3: enjoy which? :P
[23:52:52] Michael <3: that could be one of a few things :P
[23:53:12] Johanna: the blowjob as much as I love giving them to you :*
[23:53:23] Michael <3: ofcourse
[23:53:29] Michael <3: because I love you and you give the best one ever :*
[23:53:47 | Edited 23:53:49] Johanna: ^_^ it is nice to lick it :P'
[23:53:53] Michael <3: lick my cock? ;)
[23:54:11] Johanna: yeah I do like to lick it teasing around the head :P
[23:54:25] Michael <3: you should do it more :P
Tuesday 12 July 2011
Love, thoughts and life...
When you think about love, how can you explain what love is about, what you feel for someone.
Well I mean I love games like video games, but I can show that as I play them lots when I start. I love to swim and that you can see when I am in the water.
But to show a person that you love him oh my gosh that is too hard, what I mean you can write and say I love you, but what do the other person think when you say it? Do they believe in your words, or do they not believe in you, that is the question. I’ve tried to show how much I love one person, but honest I don’t think I have succeed with that, not to show how much I love him, and how much he means to me. As when it comes to telling how I feel and how much I truly miss him, I can’t as my words is not enough. I can’t show it either as I don’t know how to show it.
So the problem is I can’t write a love letter, I can’t write a song about it, I can’t even write a poem about it either. I don’t know what to say to him either; I have dreams lots of dreams. But the words doesn’t come out not in the right way, well the easiest time to talk to him is when he sleeps and looks like an adorable angel. I woke up last time when I was there with him, and I whispered some sweet things in his ear, what I truly feel, and how much I love him, kissed him on the cheek , then I took his arm and put it around me so I could fall asleep like an baby.
The thing that scares me most are the things I can’t talk about to anyone, so I think about them and then I get sad as I know that it is hard because my friends and loved one sees that something is on my mind but I can’t speak about them as they think I am silly. I can be afraid of losing things that matters to me, as I have never had any luck in my life, so I don’t tend to wait that something good will happen only bad things. But the thing is that I want to try to talk about things with my loved ones but I don’t know who to start with.
How can I have so dark thoughts, how can I think life is so hard? Why is it so hard to talk with people that you care about? What is the best thing you really can wait from life, that is that sometimes it will change to the better otherwise it wouldn’t be as hard as I have had it.
I know I will be able to talk to those I love, to tell my feelings and what I feel about but they might have to wait as I have never liked sharing my thoughts and how I feel. But sometimes that have to change, as I want to get a family. To have that you need to have trust and one love that you will share the most beautiful time in your life.
-Jo
Well I mean I love games like video games, but I can show that as I play them lots when I start. I love to swim and that you can see when I am in the water.
But to show a person that you love him oh my gosh that is too hard, what I mean you can write and say I love you, but what do the other person think when you say it? Do they believe in your words, or do they not believe in you, that is the question. I’ve tried to show how much I love one person, but honest I don’t think I have succeed with that, not to show how much I love him, and how much he means to me. As when it comes to telling how I feel and how much I truly miss him, I can’t as my words is not enough. I can’t show it either as I don’t know how to show it.
So the problem is I can’t write a love letter, I can’t write a song about it, I can’t even write a poem about it either. I don’t know what to say to him either; I have dreams lots of dreams. But the words doesn’t come out not in the right way, well the easiest time to talk to him is when he sleeps and looks like an adorable angel. I woke up last time when I was there with him, and I whispered some sweet things in his ear, what I truly feel, and how much I love him, kissed him on the cheek , then I took his arm and put it around me so I could fall asleep like an baby.
The thing that scares me most are the things I can’t talk about to anyone, so I think about them and then I get sad as I know that it is hard because my friends and loved one sees that something is on my mind but I can’t speak about them as they think I am silly. I can be afraid of losing things that matters to me, as I have never had any luck in my life, so I don’t tend to wait that something good will happen only bad things. But the thing is that I want to try to talk about things with my loved ones but I don’t know who to start with.
How can I have so dark thoughts, how can I think life is so hard? Why is it so hard to talk with people that you care about? What is the best thing you really can wait from life, that is that sometimes it will change to the better otherwise it wouldn’t be as hard as I have had it.
I know I will be able to talk to those I love, to tell my feelings and what I feel about but they might have to wait as I have never liked sharing my thoughts and how I feel. But sometimes that have to change, as I want to get a family. To have that you need to have trust and one love that you will share the most beautiful time in your life.
-Jo
Saturday 9 July 2011
some thoughts...
I have a feeling that is nagging me more than anything else, I can’t explain what it is, but all I do want is to cry, I have been thinking lots of things that others don’t have to think about. I am not as strong as people think I am, I have probably other darker thoughts than most of my friends has. I am really happy but still I want to lie down and just die away as I don’t see that this world will become better, I don’t feel good, I have pain every single day, as my heart is as it is.
If I cry, if I don’t want to talk, would you understand me? No you wouldn’t all I have to do is to smile and pretend everything is good, but at night I can’t sleep as I am thinking of things that I can’t speak with anyone. I feel alone when I am not alone, but who would understand me when I talk that I think it is better to not be here, with you all, as I am in so much pain, I just want to be healthy and don’t feel any pain
I feel so tired all the time it doesn’t matter how many hours I sleep I can sleep 4 hours and I am as tired as I sleep 12 hours, I don’t know what to do anymore really I am feeling so lost as no one really understands how I feel I have tried to talk with people but deep down I know no one understands me, honest who would understand how it is to have had heart attacks when you are under 18, that you know that you live thanks to the doctors that did the operation.
I am totally scared of what will happen if I am getting really ill as I can’t get ill according to my doctors, as I have a bad heart, oh yeah they say to live normal but not to get ill, and not to drink well that is really good as I don’t do that, but the thing is I can’t even put in words how it feels to have the thing I have, I just pretend I am good and things like that but I know I am not that, as when I get a cold I barley can’t get up from bed, but I know I need to get up ‘cause if I let myself be the ill person I would not survive for long.
Just think of being 25 and get told that you can’t have a baby, I will have one I know that but I also know that I have to go to the doctors more than anything maybe twice every week to check up the heart, as I have a heart that is too big at the moment, As you can all guess it is not good, but honest to GOD why have I got this shit? Why couldn’t he let me be healthy from the start?
It didn’t help me either that when we moved to where my parents live now that everyone started to bully me as I was shy and I was still in pain after the operation when I started school, no they decided to tease me really bad about my heart, I remember they told me that I was broken inside, And I was how the hell do you think I actually felt my ribs was broken as they cut them to be able to do the operation.
It really haven’t helped to have my last name either here in Sweden it rimes with idiot and twat, and guess what I had to hear all my time in school, and it was a bad thing no teacher has been able to say Pyykkö, that really tells how much they cared to learn to say it.
When I was in highschool I remember my teacher told me that I would never be able to speak English as I never talked loud in school, mostly because I was shy, but the thing is that I knew everything. I remember my PE teacher she said I couldn’t swim, oh yeah I was competing in swimming, I was good in PE but she wanted to give me an F as she never liked me, because I was good in the things.
People always tell me that live is easy, when I look back at my life it have never been easy I have always had to work for things I have wanted. The reason my parents have given me what I wanted when I was younger is probably because it made me smile, I want to be the kid that plays with her dollhouse as I never had problems than or just be the girl that had fun with her toys.
Sometimes I just wished they never did the heart operation as I would not have had these feelings I have to day, I am complete broken inside I don’t trust in people and mostly I have only three close friends others are just people I know but don’t trust in..
If I cry, if I don’t want to talk, would you understand me? No you wouldn’t all I have to do is to smile and pretend everything is good, but at night I can’t sleep as I am thinking of things that I can’t speak with anyone. I feel alone when I am not alone, but who would understand me when I talk that I think it is better to not be here, with you all, as I am in so much pain, I just want to be healthy and don’t feel any pain
I feel so tired all the time it doesn’t matter how many hours I sleep I can sleep 4 hours and I am as tired as I sleep 12 hours, I don’t know what to do anymore really I am feeling so lost as no one really understands how I feel I have tried to talk with people but deep down I know no one understands me, honest who would understand how it is to have had heart attacks when you are under 18, that you know that you live thanks to the doctors that did the operation.
I am totally scared of what will happen if I am getting really ill as I can’t get ill according to my doctors, as I have a bad heart, oh yeah they say to live normal but not to get ill, and not to drink well that is really good as I don’t do that, but the thing is I can’t even put in words how it feels to have the thing I have, I just pretend I am good and things like that but I know I am not that, as when I get a cold I barley can’t get up from bed, but I know I need to get up ‘cause if I let myself be the ill person I would not survive for long.
Just think of being 25 and get told that you can’t have a baby, I will have one I know that but I also know that I have to go to the doctors more than anything maybe twice every week to check up the heart, as I have a heart that is too big at the moment, As you can all guess it is not good, but honest to GOD why have I got this shit? Why couldn’t he let me be healthy from the start?
It didn’t help me either that when we moved to where my parents live now that everyone started to bully me as I was shy and I was still in pain after the operation when I started school, no they decided to tease me really bad about my heart, I remember they told me that I was broken inside, And I was how the hell do you think I actually felt my ribs was broken as they cut them to be able to do the operation.
It really haven’t helped to have my last name either here in Sweden it rimes with idiot and twat, and guess what I had to hear all my time in school, and it was a bad thing no teacher has been able to say Pyykkö, that really tells how much they cared to learn to say it.
When I was in highschool I remember my teacher told me that I would never be able to speak English as I never talked loud in school, mostly because I was shy, but the thing is that I knew everything. I remember my PE teacher she said I couldn’t swim, oh yeah I was competing in swimming, I was good in PE but she wanted to give me an F as she never liked me, because I was good in the things.
People always tell me that live is easy, when I look back at my life it have never been easy I have always had to work for things I have wanted. The reason my parents have given me what I wanted when I was younger is probably because it made me smile, I want to be the kid that plays with her dollhouse as I never had problems than or just be the girl that had fun with her toys.
Sometimes I just wished they never did the heart operation as I would not have had these feelings I have to day, I am complete broken inside I don’t trust in people and mostly I have only three close friends others are just people I know but don’t trust in..
Thursday 7 July 2011
Lost sister
Why is life so unfair? I have been thinking of my lost sister that lives but never has wanted to know me or my sister, but mostly our mum as she doesn’t have the same mum as us, she hates us more or less as her mum has lied to her about us, saying we never wanted to have her, but that is not true.
I know that this is hard to speak about and hard to read about but I will tell you about her, she is older than me, born 1979 in February, I know her name but I don’t want to name her. She had a hard life really hard as they placed her on a home for kids with trouble parents, but my dad and mum tried to get her to Sweden, but they didn’t get her as she lives in Finland. I also know that her mother tried this card too, to live with us as a family share our dad, but my mum said that she can only live with us for two weeks and then she has to have found a flat, I understand my mother I wouldn’t wanted to share a home with her as she drank lots and she was not really so nice.
What I know about my sister is that she has brown eyes, and dark hair so she has not got so many things from my dad, well he has darker hair, so strange that I was so blond as I was when I came to the world I am still kinda blond but not as much as I was when I was a kid, I was almost white in the hair. Well apparently she has the same nose as my other sister and mouth when they smile, but I don’t think me and her has anything same, but how would I know I have only seen some pictures of here like four that my parents got when she went to school.
She cut the bands with my dad when she become 18 she never wanted to hear from him again and that is more painful for my dad I think, he knows she is out there but not how she are or lives. I have tried to find her but that is not so easy as I have to use my damn bad finnish to write thing as she lives there but I have not got any results, as I don’t know if she has got married I know her child name. she might has changed everything and I haven’t found her on facebook either or on any page on the web.
I want to find her as she is my sister but mostly for my dad, it would make him the happiest person alive and I love him so much so if I can get him to smile one more time I would do it, as he would smile from happiness and be proud of me and proud of her.
I know that this is hard to speak about and hard to read about but I will tell you about her, she is older than me, born 1979 in February, I know her name but I don’t want to name her. She had a hard life really hard as they placed her on a home for kids with trouble parents, but my dad and mum tried to get her to Sweden, but they didn’t get her as she lives in Finland. I also know that her mother tried this card too, to live with us as a family share our dad, but my mum said that she can only live with us for two weeks and then she has to have found a flat, I understand my mother I wouldn’t wanted to share a home with her as she drank lots and she was not really so nice.
What I know about my sister is that she has brown eyes, and dark hair so she has not got so many things from my dad, well he has darker hair, so strange that I was so blond as I was when I came to the world I am still kinda blond but not as much as I was when I was a kid, I was almost white in the hair. Well apparently she has the same nose as my other sister and mouth when they smile, but I don’t think me and her has anything same, but how would I know I have only seen some pictures of here like four that my parents got when she went to school.
She cut the bands with my dad when she become 18 she never wanted to hear from him again and that is more painful for my dad I think, he knows she is out there but not how she are or lives. I have tried to find her but that is not so easy as I have to use my damn bad finnish to write thing as she lives there but I have not got any results, as I don’t know if she has got married I know her child name. she might has changed everything and I haven’t found her on facebook either or on any page on the web.
I want to find her as she is my sister but mostly for my dad, it would make him the happiest person alive and I love him so much so if I can get him to smile one more time I would do it, as he would smile from happiness and be proud of me and proud of her.
Tuesday 5 July 2011
I don't know why I feel so bad today, maybe it is because I have to think about things I really don't want to think about... Like that I miss one person really much, even more than I miss my lovely grandpa that is in heaven... Well I think I finally have sorrow him as much as I needed too.. Today I can talk about him without starting to cry, I feel ready to go to my grandma this year, but I still can't go myself, I want My lovely boyfriend with me, so I can get a hug if I really need one, as I haven't been there for years and I don't know what would happen when I go there.. It is so scary to think I might broke apart complete, I don't know how strong I am..
Today it is cloudy here in sweden, and I am along, listen to some music but still I am not so happy as I miss Michael so much and my mind seems to think more of him than I want, I want to plan what him and me will do this summer if he decided to come... You never know what happen in this world, it is not so much we can help if the world suck...
What is my biggest dream this summer, to just have fun and enjoy my life, I am thinking so much what happen this time last year, trust me I know what happen how I felt, the thing is I remember things I don't want to remember, I tend to remember bad feelings bad things, I remember how I felt when I come out from the operation >.< Well this summer I want to built good memories to have with me all my life, so if anything bad happens like I get dumped, my parents die, or I lose everything that matters I would die myself.. When I think about it when do good things happen to me? Never is the answer, if something good happens something even worse happens... Lets say I win lots of money, I would get it worse as I can't spend it as I have to live on them as I can't get a work, and that sucks... What happens if I get a family :S I know I have to start soon to try to become a mum, as I am not getting younger, and as I feel right now I am ready to be a mum, a wife, to build a loving home with my own family, I am secretly crying inside because everyone else seems to have it so good, they have their own family, it is hard to see all of your friends so happy with their kids, with their boyfriends, their husbands, with my luck I would never get married or get kids :< that makes me depressed :/ Oh shite I am just writing this thing without thinking.. well here you have what is on my mind Live and let die.... /Jo
Today it is cloudy here in sweden, and I am along, listen to some music but still I am not so happy as I miss Michael so much and my mind seems to think more of him than I want, I want to plan what him and me will do this summer if he decided to come... You never know what happen in this world, it is not so much we can help if the world suck...
What is my biggest dream this summer, to just have fun and enjoy my life, I am thinking so much what happen this time last year, trust me I know what happen how I felt, the thing is I remember things I don't want to remember, I tend to remember bad feelings bad things, I remember how I felt when I come out from the operation >.< Well this summer I want to built good memories to have with me all my life, so if anything bad happens like I get dumped, my parents die, or I lose everything that matters I would die myself.. When I think about it when do good things happen to me? Never is the answer, if something good happens something even worse happens... Lets say I win lots of money, I would get it worse as I can't spend it as I have to live on them as I can't get a work, and that sucks... What happens if I get a family :S I know I have to start soon to try to become a mum, as I am not getting younger, and as I feel right now I am ready to be a mum, a wife, to build a loving home with my own family, I am secretly crying inside because everyone else seems to have it so good, they have their own family, it is hard to see all of your friends so happy with their kids, with their boyfriends, their husbands, with my luck I would never get married or get kids :< that makes me depressed :/ Oh shite I am just writing this thing without thinking.. well here you have what is on my mind Live and let die.... /Jo
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