I want to write something that is hard to talk about, my life in general, and something that is with me every single day even though I don’t want to have it
Let us start from the beginning I was born with a hole in my heart, in the left ventricle, and they found out that when I became ill. So I did an heart operation when I was five years old, all I really remember from that time was the time after the operation mostly because I was in bed, and watched how my pee went somewhere, I really couldn’t move. That was hard for me as a kid, then I had really much pains because they had to open the ribs to get to the heart. Was a pain to walk when I could walk again.
Then when I was 15 I think it was the heart started to spoke once again, I was in a swimming hall and then I remember the rhythm of the heart was wrong, you know that you can feel your heart beats, all I felt was that it went double and it was a huge pain when It did the work, so I went to the hospital once again they couldn’t say much there, so they send me back to my heart doctor, and there they said that I had to big heart and it was giving to much blood I really can’t the name but anyway, that I will probably need a new operation. Now 10 years later I feel worse than ever.
Every day is a struggle for me, If I get a cold I can’t walk up to my sisters, mostly because I feel like I don’t get enough air and the heart starts to beat funny, I know this isn’t good at all. But the thing is I don’t really want to show people how bad I feel. I have every single day so much pain in the chest mostly because the heart beats strange, I can sit when it starts, it can happen when I am about to go to bed.
This week I will go to the heart doctor for my big control, what if he says that I need an operation I know that it’s the worst thing that I can hear, but also it will be the best thing to hear mostly because then I know I will feel good. I was talking to one that had the same thing as I had she was older than me, and she had done three operations on the heart, so she told me what I have ahead mostly because it seems I have worse than she had.
People seem to think I am healthy and that but it’s time for my friends to wake up! I am ill and I am really ill because I just feel for sleeping honest I can sleep 10-16 hours if someone doesn’t wake me up and be awake 6-8 hours than sleep again, I know it’s strange but not really because I have an heart disease.
One friend of me has told me that I should grow up and stop thinking of my heart and drink alcohol and have fun with people, okay this is something I should think about really much because I can’t drink that. It’s really dangerous for me mostly because the heart start to beat faster and my heart is fucked up really. I am sitting down now and the heart beats 100 beats every minute that’s not so good, but at least I am alive trust me I am happy to be alive.
Sometimes I wish I had more friends that has the same trouble so they know what I feel..
Tuesday 30 November 2010
Monday 29 November 2010
Betray
I think that this is something everyone will have in their life from some people they will meet.
The thing is that people always betray you somehow they trash talk you, talk bad things behind your back you can hear them but they will never notice you are there mostly because they are full of talking about you.
I really just realize that people are maniacs they tell you something then they are full of bullshite, I have or had one friend that said to me that I never was there for her, now to the thing I was there for this friend always I even went maniac to a boy she liked and screamed at him how stupid he is for hurting this great person.. When I think about this I really should say sorry to that guy, he didn’t deserve that, anyway then I always was there supporting her, but that isn’t in her mind. The thing was when I almost lost a dear friend, this friend said to me kind this words, Forget about him, if he doesn’t want to be your friend then you can’t do anything. I don’t think she supported me at all, instead she was laughing at me because I became the joke somehow.
Well I have to say I have been betrayed so many times that I can’t even bother to care anymore when they betray me, only if someone I really trust or are really close with would hurt. But the thing is that friend who says you aren’t there for them, when you clearly are is talking so much shite about your back. All I want to do is to punch them to hell or the other side of the earth so I never ever have to see them again.
Then I don’t get girls (mostly them) that they are the worst people of betray you as a person, they always backstab you and leave you there like you are the black sheep, really I wish I could do magic so everyone of my friend could be happy but guess what I can’t, and because of that I get betrayed by them mostly because I tell them the truth as you always should do!
I am sick of false people that betray my trust! I don’t need you in my life and you don’t have to pretend to like me, just tell me the truth and I will be okey, good to know have a good life! Jeez I am getting sick of the bullshite and things are around this world!
Some people think everything is about them BUT wake up everything isn’t about you! It’s about other people not you as you think!
If you want to get to know me then don’t betray me, be my friend and really ask how I feel and support me for once!
I want to tell everyone that this wasn't easy to write about mostly because this is my own thoughts, and I don't like to show what i feel deep inside!
The thing is that people always betray you somehow they trash talk you, talk bad things behind your back you can hear them but they will never notice you are there mostly because they are full of talking about you.
I really just realize that people are maniacs they tell you something then they are full of bullshite, I have or had one friend that said to me that I never was there for her, now to the thing I was there for this friend always I even went maniac to a boy she liked and screamed at him how stupid he is for hurting this great person.. When I think about this I really should say sorry to that guy, he didn’t deserve that, anyway then I always was there supporting her, but that isn’t in her mind. The thing was when I almost lost a dear friend, this friend said to me kind this words, Forget about him, if he doesn’t want to be your friend then you can’t do anything. I don’t think she supported me at all, instead she was laughing at me because I became the joke somehow.
Well I have to say I have been betrayed so many times that I can’t even bother to care anymore when they betray me, only if someone I really trust or are really close with would hurt. But the thing is that friend who says you aren’t there for them, when you clearly are is talking so much shite about your back. All I want to do is to punch them to hell or the other side of the earth so I never ever have to see them again.
Then I don’t get girls (mostly them) that they are the worst people of betray you as a person, they always backstab you and leave you there like you are the black sheep, really I wish I could do magic so everyone of my friend could be happy but guess what I can’t, and because of that I get betrayed by them mostly because I tell them the truth as you always should do!
I am sick of false people that betray my trust! I don’t need you in my life and you don’t have to pretend to like me, just tell me the truth and I will be okey, good to know have a good life! Jeez I am getting sick of the bullshite and things are around this world!
Some people think everything is about them BUT wake up everything isn’t about you! It’s about other people not you as you think!
If you want to get to know me then don’t betray me, be my friend and really ask how I feel and support me for once!
I want to tell everyone that this wasn't easy to write about mostly because this is my own thoughts, and I don't like to show what i feel deep inside!
Sunday 28 November 2010
The scary thing: Love
This one topic is the hardest thing ever to write about, mostly because I have tell my feelings to someone else but in the end when you have open up yourself you feel proud and happy about yourself, the most scary thing is that the other person doesn’t have the same feelings as you have.
Well to make any sense because it’s my brain we will try to get down!
I will start with my ex boyfriend that I had, I really have realize that I never loved him, so now to the big question why I was together with him? I was with him mostly because everyone else wanted me to have someone! The worst part in this is that I was with him because my so called friend wanted me to be with him, okey I do regret being with him because I didn’t love him, I regret that I told him that I love him, because those words are something you should mean with the whole heart before you telling them. I know who many people have told I love you and never meant it; I have not my proudest moment ever! I wish really that I can go back in time and change some things that would be one of the things.
The thing is that I learned lots about not being in love and how it was to be humiliated since he cheated on me really much. That was the thing that made me close my heart and I tried to close the heart so no one could hurt me or humiliate me ever again. But I also made a huge list what a guy should have so I never had to fall in love. I know it sounds crazy but it’s true!
I am will tell you what was on the list, because then people will understand how sick the list was in the first place.
- Born 1980-1984
- He should have blond hair, blue eyes
- He should be rich like a billionaire ( I am ashamed about that, because money isn't everything)
- He should have an athletic body
- He should be 180 cm tall or taller
- He should be nice, handsome, sexy, make me feel good
- He should be romantic
There are some of the things in the list and I know that it’s bad because no one in this world can be that dream boy I wanted to have!
But anyway then I slowly started to fall in love with a boy, trust me I didn’t realize that I started to fall for that boy, if I had realize it I would have run the other way, and hide. It was really scary to tell him what I felt mostly because I was really scared he wouldn’t feel the same, but somehow I was really lucky because he felt the same things. He also taught me what love is about, how you should be to someone else, and when I told him I love you, trust me it felt so easy, and people that know me in real life really know that I am scared of telling those words.
I really don’t know what more I should say about love, mostly because I don’t want to open up myself more then I have done.
I mean there are lots of different loves I will go in to that someday I think.
Anyway thanks for reading this shite as I call it…
my own thoughts about friends..
This topic is kind of hard to talk about but I know I have to talk about it since this is an important thing in your life, friends.
So this will be about good and bad friends, and how I want you to be as a friend for me.
Let us start with the bad friends, it is them who pretends to be your friend and doesn’t like you and they make sure that every else knows that they dislike or hate you, then they talk nice to you and try to get out information or pretends to be a good friend. Anyway I know this has happen to everyone but for me it seems that it happens all the time, mostly because they get jealous of me as a person. I don’t get who they can be jealous of me, I mean come on they think I get what I want but that isn’t true at all!
Then there is a difference between boy mates and girl mates mostly is that boys tell you directly what they feel about you and doesn’t trash talk you, as girls do. Let take an example of this, I asked my male mate how do this dress look on me, and trust me it wasn’t the best respond you can get, he actually said I looked fat, and ugly in it but the knee socks I had was sexy… then I asked a girl mate about the same outfit and she was telling me that I looked slim, and sexy and only good things, now to the point boys always tell you the truth (most of the times)
I really can go on with the bad friends because it’s easier to do that but I will write about the good ones too.
Those friends that I see as a good ones is those that doesn’t talk trash about you and tells you the truth no matter how much it would hurt me as a person, but at least they wouldn’t lie and say that things looks good, or yeah he loves you (when he doesn’t) they tell you the truth no matter what!
Then friends is something that you really need in life, they make you smile and laugh and make you feel good, I do love my friends those that I have as close ones I know it’s not so many people but they are my everything. I can go to them when I break apart and they would make me smile again! Trust me not a good thing when I break apart but HELLO I do that too sometimes.
The thing is that most of my so called friends think I never cry, I never get hurt, that I always smile and feel happy always. They should get back to the reality because I do cry when I get hurt, I cry when I get hurt, I whipped as a baby when I broke my ankle so yeah I do cry, I broke apart this summer for some reasons and those friends that saw me really knows how bad it was. Then my next question is why do not people see when I don’t feel bad? Yes because they aren’t a friend, they would see if you are hurt, sad, happy, and confessed or anything else because they know who you are as a human.
Oh if you want me to write about anything that you wonder about me, and my thoughts just comment and I will write about it when I feel for it.
So this will be about good and bad friends, and how I want you to be as a friend for me.
Let us start with the bad friends, it is them who pretends to be your friend and doesn’t like you and they make sure that every else knows that they dislike or hate you, then they talk nice to you and try to get out information or pretends to be a good friend. Anyway I know this has happen to everyone but for me it seems that it happens all the time, mostly because they get jealous of me as a person. I don’t get who they can be jealous of me, I mean come on they think I get what I want but that isn’t true at all!
Then there is a difference between boy mates and girl mates mostly is that boys tell you directly what they feel about you and doesn’t trash talk you, as girls do. Let take an example of this, I asked my male mate how do this dress look on me, and trust me it wasn’t the best respond you can get, he actually said I looked fat, and ugly in it but the knee socks I had was sexy… then I asked a girl mate about the same outfit and she was telling me that I looked slim, and sexy and only good things, now to the point boys always tell you the truth (most of the times)
I really can go on with the bad friends because it’s easier to do that but I will write about the good ones too.
Those friends that I see as a good ones is those that doesn’t talk trash about you and tells you the truth no matter how much it would hurt me as a person, but at least they wouldn’t lie and say that things looks good, or yeah he loves you (when he doesn’t) they tell you the truth no matter what!
Then friends is something that you really need in life, they make you smile and laugh and make you feel good, I do love my friends those that I have as close ones I know it’s not so many people but they are my everything. I can go to them when I break apart and they would make me smile again! Trust me not a good thing when I break apart but HELLO I do that too sometimes.
The thing is that most of my so called friends think I never cry, I never get hurt, that I always smile and feel happy always. They should get back to the reality because I do cry when I get hurt, I cry when I get hurt, I whipped as a baby when I broke my ankle so yeah I do cry, I broke apart this summer for some reasons and those friends that saw me really knows how bad it was. Then my next question is why do not people see when I don’t feel bad? Yes because they aren’t a friend, they would see if you are hurt, sad, happy, and confessed or anything else because they know who you are as a human.
Oh if you want me to write about anything that you wonder about me, and my thoughts just comment and I will write about it when I feel for it.
my own thoughts about jealousy..
Well I see jealousy as a bad thing because you always want something you can’t get, so for an example you want someone’s boyfriend but you can’t get him. The thing is you should respect the other persons feelings like the other girl in the relationship she doesn’t like that other girls is after her man, lad, husband, boyfriend so whatever you want to call it.
Now to the thing about jealousy I have seen it really close, and it destroys the best people from the inside, why not just try to make things that makes you feel happy? So if someone doesn’t love me then I would think for one week probably oh shite this sucks but then I would try to move on and try to be friends instead and then be happy for the person. I don’t want jealousy to destroy me; I like to be “pure” and not black inside.
Then I got a request from one person that means lots to me as a friend about respect! So I will write my own thoughts about it and it’s not right or wrong! Just my thoughts,
You have to respect yourself before you can respect others, so those people that doesn’t respect for an example that you are in a relationship with a boy doesn’t have self respect and they can’t see what makes the other person happy!
Oh my god I boil of angriness as soon as I think about it mostly because I can place my own feelings in this shite. The worst thing is that I just feel like crying mostly for the people that doesn’t respect me as a human being, they think I don’t get hurt when they try to take what I have, they seem to want to be me stupid jealous bitches as I call them! In my eyes they are less worth then dogs! Wait they are less worth then the pigs… They just try to make the people that is happy miserable.
I know I sound like a girl but guess what I am a girl and I can only see it from the girls eyes, and I know most girls knows what I am speaking about or we can pretend I know what I am talking about.
Mostly I think that jealousy is bad thing because the other person that is it try to control her/his partner do that to max, don’t do that, do that, don’t talk to that one, don’t look at that one! Jeeeeeeez I will just say my boyfriend will always be free to speak to whom he ever want to speak with, hang out with whoever he wants to be with, as long as he respect me as a human and don’t make me look bad or even worse stupid in front of other people.
You can be jealous of the other things that someone else have, like things, doesn’t have to be a person or so.
Well jealousy sucks! People should start to respect more things than they do!
Now to the thing about jealousy I have seen it really close, and it destroys the best people from the inside, why not just try to make things that makes you feel happy? So if someone doesn’t love me then I would think for one week probably oh shite this sucks but then I would try to move on and try to be friends instead and then be happy for the person. I don’t want jealousy to destroy me; I like to be “pure” and not black inside.
Then I got a request from one person that means lots to me as a friend about respect! So I will write my own thoughts about it and it’s not right or wrong! Just my thoughts,
You have to respect yourself before you can respect others, so those people that doesn’t respect for an example that you are in a relationship with a boy doesn’t have self respect and they can’t see what makes the other person happy!
Oh my god I boil of angriness as soon as I think about it mostly because I can place my own feelings in this shite. The worst thing is that I just feel like crying mostly for the people that doesn’t respect me as a human being, they think I don’t get hurt when they try to take what I have, they seem to want to be me stupid jealous bitches as I call them! In my eyes they are less worth then dogs! Wait they are less worth then the pigs… They just try to make the people that is happy miserable.
I know I sound like a girl but guess what I am a girl and I can only see it from the girls eyes, and I know most girls knows what I am speaking about or we can pretend I know what I am talking about.
Mostly I think that jealousy is bad thing because the other person that is it try to control her/his partner do that to max, don’t do that, do that, don’t talk to that one, don’t look at that one! Jeeeeeeez I will just say my boyfriend will always be free to speak to whom he ever want to speak with, hang out with whoever he wants to be with, as long as he respect me as a human and don’t make me look bad or even worse stupid in front of other people.
You can be jealous of the other things that someone else have, like things, doesn’t have to be a person or so.
Well jealousy sucks! People should start to respect more things than they do!
Idiot!
I have decided that it’s time to clear up something so I have decided that the best thing is to write it in the blog :)
Well I will write about idiots mostly because there are some idiots in my world. So the first thing I did before I will write this blog was to look up what an Idiot is so according to Wikipedia an idiot is:
An idiot, dolt, or dullard is a mentally deficient person, or someone who acts in a self-defeating or significantly counterproductive way. Archaically the word mome has also been used. The synonymous terms moron, imbecile, and cretin have all gained specialized meanings in modern times. An idiot is said to be idiotic, and to suffer from idiocy. A dunce is an idiot who is specifically incapable of learning. An idiot differs from a fool (who is unwise) and an ignoramus (who is uneducated/ an ignorant), neither of which refer to someone with low intelligence.
Then we can start by saying that I have a boy that has asked me several times to get married to him but the thing is that I really don’t love him at all, I love someone else, and lucky me I have him. I would say that that boy is an Idiot because he is doing the same thing over and over again! And he doesn’t learn something from it, how can you be so stupid that you ask someone over and over I will not change please move on!
Then there are girls! Jez I don’t know where to start with them, but mostly they are jealous idiots that talks trash behind your backs :( they don’t care how you feel at all. Well there is always some girl that loves/likes the boy you love, but can’t see that he doesn’t feel the same way. Trust me been there done that so I know more than people think.. well how could I have been jealous of someone else relationship, it’s because I saw that he loved someone else and not me, I was unsure about our friendship he might just have had friend feelings but I loved him.
To prove my point on this I went to Wikipedia I know it’s not a good page but it helps me to find out what I want to prove.
Jealousy is an emotion and typically refers to the negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of something that the person values, such as a relationship, friendship, or love. Jealousy often consists of a combination of emotions such as anger, sadness, and disgust. It is not to be confused with envy.
I guess I can be the idiot too, but how the hell can I control someone else thoughts as people seem to tell me that I do!? Jez you can’t control someone’s thoughts it’s the person that do that not someone else!
Then we have the other thing about idiots it’s that they will never learn what’s good for them and there for they destroy good things that other has because they are unsure about their own values and feelings!
I might write more about Idiots and jealousy but I don't know because it's hard to write without naming people
Well I will write about idiots mostly because there are some idiots in my world. So the first thing I did before I will write this blog was to look up what an Idiot is so according to Wikipedia an idiot is:
An idiot, dolt, or dullard is a mentally deficient person, or someone who acts in a self-defeating or significantly counterproductive way. Archaically the word mome has also been used. The synonymous terms moron, imbecile, and cretin have all gained specialized meanings in modern times. An idiot is said to be idiotic, and to suffer from idiocy. A dunce is an idiot who is specifically incapable of learning. An idiot differs from a fool (who is unwise) and an ignoramus (who is uneducated/ an ignorant), neither of which refer to someone with low intelligence.
Then we can start by saying that I have a boy that has asked me several times to get married to him but the thing is that I really don’t love him at all, I love someone else, and lucky me I have him. I would say that that boy is an Idiot because he is doing the same thing over and over again! And he doesn’t learn something from it, how can you be so stupid that you ask someone over and over I will not change please move on!
Then there are girls! Jez I don’t know where to start with them, but mostly they are jealous idiots that talks trash behind your backs :( they don’t care how you feel at all. Well there is always some girl that loves/likes the boy you love, but can’t see that he doesn’t feel the same way. Trust me been there done that so I know more than people think.. well how could I have been jealous of someone else relationship, it’s because I saw that he loved someone else and not me, I was unsure about our friendship he might just have had friend feelings but I loved him.
To prove my point on this I went to Wikipedia I know it’s not a good page but it helps me to find out what I want to prove.
Jealousy is an emotion and typically refers to the negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of something that the person values, such as a relationship, friendship, or love. Jealousy often consists of a combination of emotions such as anger, sadness, and disgust. It is not to be confused with envy.
I guess I can be the idiot too, but how the hell can I control someone else thoughts as people seem to tell me that I do!? Jez you can’t control someone’s thoughts it’s the person that do that not someone else!
Then we have the other thing about idiots it’s that they will never learn what’s good for them and there for they destroy good things that other has because they are unsure about their own values and feelings!
I might write more about Idiots and jealousy but I don't know because it's hard to write without naming people
Saturday 27 November 2010
den stora stygga världen: sanningen - the truth
den stora stygga världen: sanningen - the truth: "Jag hade tänkt reda ut lite saker om mig, jag vet att folk inte bryr sig vem jag är eller så men nu är jag trött på att folk inte känner mig..."
the blond brain how it works.. somehow...
Jag hade tänkt reda ut lite saker om mig, jag vet att folk inte bryr sig vem jag är eller så men nu är jag trött på att folk inte känner mig, och dömer mig för den jag är. Jag hade tänkt skriva detta på engelska så de som inte förstår engelska ledsen!
Here we go, I know this will be many wrongs here but I don't give a shite cause this is the truth about me, myself and my thoughts...
As you all know my name is Johanna Maria Pyykkö, I have always hated my name because I got so much bullied when I was younger for everything. but today it’s really nice to have a name that not so many people has, but I am sick that ADULTS still bullies me because I am who I am. Anyway this will be no name because people that read it will know if it’s them I mean or not!
So now to the things I want to straight out, people don’t think I am shy so now to that part I am really shy. I really don’t talk to many people cause I can’t find the words to talk to new people because of my past. People have always made sure that I have been the outsider, but then I have had some friends that made my world great by just being there for me but they don’t really know how bad I felt, mostly cause I never ever talk about my feeling so whatever, it’s to private to talk about..
People seems to call me a whore but that’s the thing I can actually count on one hand how many people I have had sex with, and I am sick that people tell me other things! Oh yeah we call Johanna a whore cause she has had sex with 3 people -.-‘ that’s not fair and the other thing is that people sees me as a failure cause I have only had one boyfriend in my past! Now to that boyfriend he was shite I can agree on that but if I didn’t have had him I wouldn’t know what I was looking for in a guy so I should really thank him for showing me what I don’t want to have in a guy!
I know people think I am hot and sexy and cute but the thing is that I don’t think that about myself and that’s because it’s a huge issue in my head people told me that I was ugly for so many years that my brain thinks I am that. Nothing wrong with that! Yes it is cause for one time in my life I want to feel beautiful and loved and I do that thanks to one wonderful person that really has taught me what love is about. So I really want to thank him for having the patience with me because I know I am a hard complex person that has hard to speak what I feel really.
Then to the friends, if you are my friend you wouldn’t make me feel bad and say things like, for an example, I don’t get how you can have a boyfriend and have boys after you because I am hotter then you in every way. If you feel like that then don’t tell me because it makes me so sad inside that you that is my friend that tells me that. I wish I could do magic so I can make everyone happy but I can’t, I need to concentrate on myself for once and that person I love! Not on the plague that the friends are somehow..
For once I think I should be happy mostly cause I have never been so happy as I am today and trust me my life sucks basically more than anything I don’t have a work or the brains to get one because I don’t do well with other people mostly cause I have other thoughts then they and think in a different way.
But the thing I never talk about is how I feel, so I will try to tell you all so you don’t have to ask me how I feel and sneak about it! I am scared to death that I need an new operation on the heart and no one really understands how it’s to have the same thought every day I know I am ill I can’t help it if I get a cold that I just want to be in bed because I can’t get up from the bed, I just wish people would think more than they do! They tell me things that make me think more then I should I should try to concentrate on what’s best for me! Then people think somehow that I don’t get hurt I do I am a human for fuck sake! Everyone gets hurt when people are mean to you! I am good at ignoring things but it kills me every time people say something bad, but I also know that I am way better than them mostly because I try to be nice to them even if they hate me or dislike me!
I know for a fact if you want to change your life with me than I would say no because I do love to be myself and have my thoughts, I like math, space, sports, shopping, I love to be blond and blue eyed I love to be the person that doesn’t think too much just to do the things I want to do! I know I analyze things way too much but hey I think everyone would do that if they have been in the same situation that I have been in. I don’t trust in so many people because they always fail to earn the trust by talking trash behind my back.
This is the real Johanna, or maybe just 10 % of her, if you do want to get to know me doesn’t try to be someone you aren’t because that is just wrong!
/ Johanna
Here we go, I know this will be many wrongs here but I don't give a shite cause this is the truth about me, myself and my thoughts...
As you all know my name is Johanna Maria Pyykkö, I have always hated my name because I got so much bullied when I was younger for everything. but today it’s really nice to have a name that not so many people has, but I am sick that ADULTS still bullies me because I am who I am. Anyway this will be no name because people that read it will know if it’s them I mean or not!
So now to the things I want to straight out, people don’t think I am shy so now to that part I am really shy. I really don’t talk to many people cause I can’t find the words to talk to new people because of my past. People have always made sure that I have been the outsider, but then I have had some friends that made my world great by just being there for me but they don’t really know how bad I felt, mostly cause I never ever talk about my feeling so whatever, it’s to private to talk about..
People seems to call me a whore but that’s the thing I can actually count on one hand how many people I have had sex with, and I am sick that people tell me other things! Oh yeah we call Johanna a whore cause she has had sex with 3 people -.-‘ that’s not fair and the other thing is that people sees me as a failure cause I have only had one boyfriend in my past! Now to that boyfriend he was shite I can agree on that but if I didn’t have had him I wouldn’t know what I was looking for in a guy so I should really thank him for showing me what I don’t want to have in a guy!
I know people think I am hot and sexy and cute but the thing is that I don’t think that about myself and that’s because it’s a huge issue in my head people told me that I was ugly for so many years that my brain thinks I am that. Nothing wrong with that! Yes it is cause for one time in my life I want to feel beautiful and loved and I do that thanks to one wonderful person that really has taught me what love is about. So I really want to thank him for having the patience with me because I know I am a hard complex person that has hard to speak what I feel really.
Then to the friends, if you are my friend you wouldn’t make me feel bad and say things like, for an example, I don’t get how you can have a boyfriend and have boys after you because I am hotter then you in every way. If you feel like that then don’t tell me because it makes me so sad inside that you that is my friend that tells me that. I wish I could do magic so I can make everyone happy but I can’t, I need to concentrate on myself for once and that person I love! Not on the plague that the friends are somehow..
For once I think I should be happy mostly cause I have never been so happy as I am today and trust me my life sucks basically more than anything I don’t have a work or the brains to get one because I don’t do well with other people mostly cause I have other thoughts then they and think in a different way.
But the thing I never talk about is how I feel, so I will try to tell you all so you don’t have to ask me how I feel and sneak about it! I am scared to death that I need an new operation on the heart and no one really understands how it’s to have the same thought every day I know I am ill I can’t help it if I get a cold that I just want to be in bed because I can’t get up from the bed, I just wish people would think more than they do! They tell me things that make me think more then I should I should try to concentrate on what’s best for me! Then people think somehow that I don’t get hurt I do I am a human for fuck sake! Everyone gets hurt when people are mean to you! I am good at ignoring things but it kills me every time people say something bad, but I also know that I am way better than them mostly because I try to be nice to them even if they hate me or dislike me!
I know for a fact if you want to change your life with me than I would say no because I do love to be myself and have my thoughts, I like math, space, sports, shopping, I love to be blond and blue eyed I love to be the person that doesn’t think too much just to do the things I want to do! I know I analyze things way too much but hey I think everyone would do that if they have been in the same situation that I have been in. I don’t trust in so many people because they always fail to earn the trust by talking trash behind my back.
This is the real Johanna, or maybe just 10 % of her, if you do want to get to know me doesn’t try to be someone you aren’t because that is just wrong!
/ Johanna
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