Gone

Today I want to say something I can’t wait until next Tuesday, since I will go and see Michael and honest I can’t wait for that. What I most want to do is to hug him and kiss him.

Well of course there are other things I want to do like to see the two churches the town have, and the football arenas, since I love sport. Then just to see the town, shop a bit just a bit. Enjoy being with Michael.

Well I will see his cousin Georgie too, I hope I don’t have to meet his whole family; somehow I am too shy to speak. Well my biggest fear is to speak with strangers. Than to hug people, makes me feel bad just, like they are trying to ticklish me or something like that. Well I will try my best to not show my hugging fear.

Well I know people will not miss me even if I am gone. But I wish you all a good time when I am gone. I will blog a bit about the trip when I am home and what happen.

...

Well I have been thinking lots today, maybe it is so that I have to say I am sorry to people that should tell me that they are sorry but that is one thing I have done, I mailed one, mostly because I hate the drama, the things that has happen.

People can’t understand how much I got hurt, how much it still hurts every time I think about it feels like my heart is breaking, still hurts lots. But I have friends that helps me more than they know, they always tells me how wonderful I am as a friend.

I know one thing if there will be anymore so called drama I will leave everything and everyone behind me no matter who they are, if they really care about me they would call me and talk to me, and really put an effort to be my friend.

This time I will be Johanna all the way, I will live my life to the max., because in the end it is my life in the end. What things do I want to do with my life it is to be happy and drama doesn’t make you happy it just drags every single way and you get so much negativities from it. I mean why the hell would I really care to fight with people that think they are better than me in every single way. The thing is I am tired of people telling me things that I am not doing or blaming everything on me, that is not fun in the end, people tend to say that I am a bitch, but have they seen me because when you really get to know me I am shy, really shy and don’t talk so much.

The thing is that I don’t like what has happen the last 20 months there have been some really good times and really bad times. But the thing is that the good times have been more than the bad times. Honest what has changed really it is probably that I have been starting to think again, who would I want in my life and not want in my life.

This summer I have set some goals. One is to go to England I don’t care where to be honest as long as I go there and have fun. Then to go camping with someone in some random place here in Sweden, just take the train somewhere near a lake or something and just have fun, maybe I will go on a fishing trip and camp there with my mates or the person that goes with me. Then to be a kid on Liseberg that is an amusement park, they will have a new ride that I will never go on I am a chicken I know but I don’t like high things that goes fast down. What more goals do I have this summer to be happy and really have fun just.

way to much on my poor mind...

I have come to a point where I really have to decide what I want to do with my life. I know it is not easy to come up with things I want to do but I do have goals what I want to do with my life.

I really would want to become a lawyer but I think that will never happen because I have become really interested in politics and I might go in to that since then I might have a slight chance to make my country better. I mean I want something to change really much in Sweden and to make that happen I need to become a politic.

Now to the thing I never have wanted to have but so suddenly want, it is to have an own family, you all think I have so easy life but I don’t have it so easy. Everyone seems to have it so easy when I look at their families but they have it probably as bad as me. The thing is I never use to speak about my family but now I am pissed off with people telling me that I have it so damn good.

Let me start off with my grandmother, she thinks I am the laziest person on this world, she never ever tells me that she loves me, I have never heard her tell that. She always tells me how I have not succeeded with things. She thinks I should take care of everyone else but not myself. I don’t care because in the end I only care about myself and those I love. But honest should you have to hear that you are a failure because you aren’t married?

Then we can go to my parents that thinks I am a failure because I don’t have a work, a own family but I have an own family it is with myself, at the moment that is my own family and I really need to show things so much, my dad says I never do things with them, but I think I spend too much time with them, sometimes I can’t even stand my own parents. Since when do parents tell you who they want you to get married to, my mum always says I throw away a good marriage because I don’t want to marry one that has money. But I am not in love with him.

Then we have my sister she is nice, to everyone else but not me. She thinks I can do things when she wants but nope, I can’t always do things. I have my own life I need to live it. I can’t always put my life on hold when she calls. She is nice sometimes she is not always as bad as I make is sound. But she does call me bad names that actually do hurt deep down in me. But that is nothing I never tell her. She knows that I get hurt because she knows me.

The only one I really trust in my family is my uncle as I see as my brother and I don’t talk about everything to him because it is so hard to open up yourself. I know he would probably get really angry at people because people tend to hurt me more than they really make me happy.

My friends I don’t even trust I really need to go to someone and learn to trust in people again. I don’t know why I don’t trust in anyone else than myself. I am sick that people makes fun of me, that they really always make a joke of everything, because I am blond, and really don’t get jokes.

I really think back on this year and I notice who was here for me when I was crying because people was mean to me? Who saw that I was hurt? No one knows how effected I was by the things that happen, it really reminded me of my highschool that I tried so hard to not think about! I was called fat when I was not fat, really when I think about it I was probably way too skinny I was as tall as I am today 157,5 cm and weight 35 kg but still I was fat. I am sick that people really make fun of me. I am sick that people never let me be happy. There are always someone that mess up my good things.

Well now to the things I really want to do with my life and that is to be able to help others that have been going through the same things I have been through. I would love to help others that have done a heart operation. Maybe be a psychology, wonder if I would be a good one? I really don’t know if I give good advice since I never give myself any. Or I will go and read to lawyer after I have had two kids, and if I am not too old. Or that might be a good thing because than you know more about life. Well I could always go and be a teacher but I don’t know if I can talk to people I really hate that.

I really hope all the bad things will stop soon as I am sick of being the one that gets everything. Trust me I have more things that I get through here on my home place too, with money, food issues, friends, trust in other people, my heart. I really think I need a long holiday lying on an own island on the beach just being off to everyone just being there thinking what should be best for little me. Since everything seems to be a huge mess in my head. What can be better that that, looking out on the ocean and just hope that things will get better because in the end they will get better? I have faith that there can’t be anymore bad things that will happen to me.


“Follow your heart, but be quiet for a while first. Ask questions, then feel the answer. Learn to trust your heart.”

“I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you”

/ Johanna

answered three questions from a mate...

What can be the worst feeling in this world? What is the best feeling? What worries you the most? This is the questions I have got from a friend that he wants me to answer so I will answer them.

So what is the worst feeling in this world for me? Hmm let me think about that a bit, well I know what it is and it is when someone I really trust in betrays me, but don’t get me wrong because I do forgive people but then in the end I don’t trust in them. Well how can I trust in someone that talks trash about me, talks about what I have been telling her/him

Then I can say that one other bad feeling is when you really love someone breaks your heart in to one trillion pieces in two minutes, that is the worst feeling in this world no other thing beats this, because when your heart is broken it takes time to heal it and when you start to think about the thing that made you heartbroken still hurts even if you say it doesn’t it do hurt so much.

It is not so hard when someone dies because you know that they will have it better than they had it alive, if they have some illness. But the memories will be with you and those are the things you will remember. But then nothing can make the person come back and that is really painful. I miss my grandpa so much, I miss my mate that has passed away too.

Then to the next question, what is the best feeling?

Well for me it is three things that is the best feelings, and I will start with the first one it is when you have won something and really worked hard. Those moments when you work hard for something and actually win or get a prize you will always be happy to remember those moments. I remember my last swimming completion I did, I said to my mum that I will take a prize and she just said no you will not do that, but the funny thing was that I did not train as much as I used to but I started to love the swimming again and that made me better. I actually came third and got my prize and then I actually made my best because I think I got a time on 50 meters butterfly 35 seconds something like that. And I had like 40 before that competition, damn I still feel proud of myself.

Then the other thing that I really like is right after you have had some loving moment, when you just are laying there thinking damn this is nice, even if you start to freeze you know you will get all warm because you will be in your lovers arms and hug, and shake of happiness. It is so hard to explain that feeling, when you complete change in your tone when you speak, when you look with a different eye, I can’t explain this better but damn it is a nice feeling one of the best.

Now to the best feeling it still is when someone makes you smile so much that you are not even thinking that you are smiling. You know you are in love and the person is in love with you too, you are starting to plan for the future. Start slowly to show the whole world that you are in love, and there is nothing that can stop you, because if you stop showing it you know you are fucked. You should show the world always that you love the boy/girl you have and always make sure that the person knows that you love it, so you will get the love back and the best feeling will always stay in your heart.

Then the last question what worries me the most?

The thing that worries me the most is right before I know if someone likes me as a person like a friend or like a girlfriend, because I start to think what if he doesn’t like me as I like him. Then I think more about that than on the things that I do to him. But then in the end I never ever notice that someone actually like me and that is bad. If people go in to my brain they would want to leave it as fast they came in to it.

The other thing that worries me is the world situation, how it is. I am really afraid that it will get a world war. I tend to worry about silly things as my friend tells me.
The thing is that everyone worries about things, but they don’t tend to share it with the world and I guess that I am the same. I worry how I look, how people like me, if I can survive the year out.


/ Johanna

Friendship

Friendship that is something that is amazing when it works perfectly but there is just one problem nothing works perfectly.

There is always good when you are good mates and everything goes well but as everyone that knows me good knows that I don’t like to talk about myself and what I think about deep down. So it still amazes me when people try to make me talk when I don’t want to talk. I know what happens when people try to make me talk I get all defensive and really try to protect me, just because I am used getting hurt.

I really start to think back on my time, when I was in grade 1-6 I did not have a single friend at all. I was complete alone and the thing is people still ask me how I could survive the bullied and the other things I went through, I only survived it because in the end I knew that I had my family no matter what, but I can say that I really need to thank one person that actually decided to get help when I almost strangled myself, because I never saw the good things in my life. People think I have had an easy life but they are wrong. Those that pretended to be my so called friends never cared about me in the end, they just stood by when I wanted to kill myself, but there was one boy that got his dad and well as he said it was good because I was hardly breathing when they cut the rope away. The thing I am not so proud of is that I asked one to tie it for me, but the person did it! People always say I was loved; I was not loved by anyone in Skepplanda.

Then I met a girl that I thought was my friend, in the end it showed that she a backstabbing bitch that only was with me because I was who I am today. She actually in the end choose to shag my ex, and talk trash about me to everyone I met.

But then I have met some good mates later on my younger years was really bad, I was mostly alone with that girl listening to backstreet boys, because I liked them and so did she, then I remember that she started to love Five oh my god I do remember their songs still. But the thing I am so blessed to have those mates I have today because they always tell me the truth and they would never betray me as a person. I know I can trust them. But there is one thing they have to learn and it is that I don’t share my deepest thoughts they are too hard to talk about, it will take a long time until I am ready talk about my past, my thoughts, and I feel ashamed to talk about them now too. But this blog has helped me lots because here I can talk about my past and my present and my future because I know that there is only some that actually reads my blog, and they respect me, oh well they don’t care to tell me what they feel really. But I don’t care because this blog is for me to work out the past that has happen to me, and what I think about things.

In a friendship you work for it to work, you should give and take, but there is not so many that does work for the friendship.

I mean I tried my best to be a good mate to some of them and yet we are not mates today, because they betrayed me. So today I want the friends to be honest no matter what, even if I treat a person wrong I want them to tell me, so I know. I am sick that people bullies you for who you are! I mean can I help what my name is? I can’t help if I am skinny, fat! Or even if I am blond or brunette, I can’t change who I am how much I want to. I am just sick of the false people.

"Your friend is the man who knows all about you, and still likes you."
- Elbert Hubard

Love and hate

Today I will talk about something that is on my mind and have been on my mind sometime when i was at work. Love and hate.

Well let me start about hate, there is different hates, you can hate things and humans. Well according to me if you hate someone they have a chance to come back to you since hate is really close to love. Well now to the thing, I hate things really many things, mushrooms I hate, jealousy, spiders, thunder ect.

Well now to the thing I do hate how the world is today, I mean there is not one place you can truly just enjoy the life because today you need to work and you need to get money to survive. That really sucks I wish you could just choose a life where you can make your own food, I know I like the country side more since you don’t stress as much as in the town.

I hate to talk about my feelings because every time I have tried to talk someone has used them against me, I know you should trust in people. But I can’t even trust my close mates how can I really trust someone I just have met? The only one I can truly trust is myself not even family. You have to learn that to trust yourself before anything else.

The thing is that I truly don’t think you can hate any person as those haves feelings, and I want everyone to remember this is my thoughts, none others thoughts. Well the other people as you seem to hate I don’t think you hate, you really just dislike them or not like them as they are false as you can say, or that your personal chemistry doesn’t click. The thing is even if you do dislike anyone you still have to respect the other human on the other side. I mean if you start to scream mean things to the other person, start to talk bad about it you really aren’t much better than the other person. I know that the most false animal on this earth is a human and well I can’t more than agree because we do lie so much as a person.

I still have one thing I always start to think back at when I start to dislike people respect them as they where your friend because in the end you can look back and think I was bigger than them, I deserve to have happiness and not the things that comes when you start to talk trash, because it will come back to you someday.

Then when you really start to think about hate and love it is really close to each other. I mean you probably was inlove with your ex when you where with him/her but in the end you start to hate/dislike him/her lots since they might have broken your heart, been cheating or treat you bad.. But you might be the one that left him simply because the love ended, the thing I know from many girl mates (mostly) is that they would take back the ex because they love him even if they say they hate him.

My dear friends say that they love me, but why can’t they let me be happy as I am now. You can’t choose for me who I should be with because I need to feel that it should be right. I mean I don’t want to be with Jonas, Fredrik, or Linus as you want me to be. You really should respect that I don’t want them. Jonas is my ex and he is in my past as I said we have had good times but mostly we had bad times, you don’t know what we went through because I never ever talk to you about that, I never shared what happen. You should stop trying making me go out with him I really don’t like him as a person but I do respect him as a human being.

I love my mates but they should learn what respect is because they don’t know what it is. If they knew how happy I am they would not try to mess up my relationship I have now, or try to make me feel bad, just so I can go back to Jonas or even worse Linus. Fredrik knows that I will never take him I have made sure about that to him but as I say about them they are morons so you never know about them. Anyway I will tell my so called mates and the readers what I do want in a guy as some thinks I am just after well the player.

I want someone that respects me for who I am. One that loves me just the way I am. I want someone that sees when I am sad even if I don’t show it, someone that can put me in place when I am wrong because I never ever confess that I am wrong, but if you love me and you know how I get when I am clueless in a fight. Not because I use words because my temper is not the best when I fight. I can actually say that I don’t want to be with the person and don’t mean it, just because I am hurt or really angry I am messed up in the end. I want someone that can make me smile when I am sad, someone that makes me happy just by being the person that they are. I don’t care about the money or other things, because when you truly have found love you don’t care about the other things, you want the person because they know you deep down and respect you.

I am far from perfect. I should learn to communicate better when I am in argue with those I love because I might end up losing the persons I truly love, I feel sorry for the person that ends up with me. I know myself I use words like: Nothing, whatever and nice. Trust me not the nicest things to say to someone when you are arguing I know I have to try to get better at communicate.

Well I think this was the thing I wanted to talk about really today.

Enjoy the day and take care of each other.

Do not read if you are under 18, Because this is about S E X

This post will be about porn you guessed it I actually want to write about it mostly because people seem to think it is taboo. Okay what is wrong that some people watch porn? I mean everyone will watch it sometimes. That is normal

Well now to the thing, I do watch porn sometimes well mostly with my mates that are dudes, they think it is so funny to watch it and they always seem to watch lesbian porn, because they think it is hot. Well I don’t care if boys watch it, but why the hell can’t my girl mates just confess they watch it because I know they are watching it.

I will not name any names but I have walked in when they have been watching gay porn, well we all like different things, I mean I should watch porn and get turned on by it, because it is what it should be, a turn on with your loved one, one night stand whatever you want to call it. I would want to watch something that really is in water and have rough sex. I am not even afraid to confess it because it is what I would like to watch.

I mean I am not perfect but I can at least confess things I have done and watch. I mean I have done stuff you don’t want to know. But with my ex uff I actually have done a nice video that thankfully is destroyed today. But it was fun at the time I did it. Until the wrong person got the hands of it and thought it was fun to tease me about the things that was on that video. I shall be nice as I know that I have readers that are under 18.

I can really warn you about things you shouldn’t do but you have to learn it on your own, otherwise you wouldn’t learn a thing. I know that I wish I wouldn’t have done the things I did with my ex because he and me did lots. We watch porn and that was normal for us.

Anything else I can say why is it so forbidden to talk about sex, porn and things you might have and not have. I can at least say that I have three best friends here home without telling everyone what it is, but honest they are my best mates. I have cuffs too and they are the best thing I have ever got because they really makes things fun.

Well I know you can’t confess the things you are watching or have been watching, at least I have the courage to tell you what I have done and not done! So if there is one thing I should really confess it is that I am still afraid that it might hurt, and that it might be so rough that I get so much pain that I can’t walk for days. I mean you can say that you will never be afraid but in the end I think you are always afraid of sex and talking about it.

I talk open about sex with my mates and they say I am a boy more than a girl just because I do talk about it. I am not afraid to say what I like most in bed, what I have done, what I have tried. Because it has made me the person I am today. I do regret things, but I can’t make them undone.

Now to the thing I hope I haven’t bored you with this post and please try to be honest with your friends, partner, but not parents they would freak out!

shite things

Well to be honest I got a bit angry mails from my last blog post saying I was lying, well now I will just make this short as I will not talk about what has happen, and some other blog post well I will answer the things then we forget about it.. okay

But why would people that doesn't know me mail me to tell me what has happen? I know what has happen and what is true or not true, you have no clue what has happen so shut up please.

than the other thing, why I don't go back to my ex that some people has been asking me.. Would you go back to someone that cheats on you and makes you sad, uses you for things? If you say yes I feel sorry for you.

Than there was something else some random people said, that it is good to hear one side but I need to make the other have a chance to speak about the thing... Well let them speak I don't care as you think I do..

That was everything I wanted to say...


/ Johanna

the drama, on facebook my side

Well to be honest I am not surprise that the drama on facebook never ends, since people always drag it up.

Well to start this I have to tell you a bit story Lourdes from Mexico she likes my boyfriend Michael though she denies that she likes him, but she does. Then that girl has a friend from Argentina that hates the guts of me Paula, well I think she just hate me ‘cause Michael loves me. Then Maria from Spain hates me since they hate me.

Well now to the funny thing they say that I am a drama queen they should really look in to the summer what actually happen. It was not that me and Michael was not friend during the summer, ‘cause we where friends we lasted like ten hours without each other. I am really happy that we kept it as a secret though we hurt people in the end.

Well let me start that me and Michael had a discussion you can say but we ended up as friends, but the more we talked without the fucking drama that those girls actually made, and my so called friends Linus and Jonas, oh trust me we had fun more fun that we had in ages. Then when we talked on skype for like three weeks without hearing each other and trust me I woke up for him like in the morning ‘cause he was watching his dog Tyson, well that was fun. Michael I think you actually laughed when I fall on my arse when I showed my parents house.

Well the thing was that I can tell you but Michael was actually a bit mean to me when he decided to tell me his feelings, oh yeah we where camming, and I could not hide oh he actually said it when we were on skype, his words was, Johanna, I love you. My face must have been priceless since I actually know how I felt it was like WHAT did he says, but I tried to say that I didn’t love him. But that day I actually started to call him silly because he has the worst timing in this world, but that is another story.

Then we got together, and things were great until the girl Lourdes started to talk trash about me to well oh my own boyfriend and the other girls.

Well Paula and Lourdes started to jump on me on Michael blog. They weren’t nice to me, or well they tried to make me go away from Michael since Lourdes loved Michael. Then Lourdes was moaning about me, and trash talking about me to Michael. You don’t have to worry she has actually confess this to me. So I know for a fact she has done that.

Well now to the thing, they call me drama queen it is not me who are still in the past that Michael loves me, I was never trash talking Lourdes when the things happen, I was happy for Michael and he knows that. Since we talked, was fun to hear how much he hated me according to people when we spoke. The thing no one knew not even me was how much he really liked me. But the thing is I am sick that people are asking me the question what happen. I know you actually have to hear all people that were involved in the story and there are three people. It is me, Michael and Lourdes.

Now I hope they can move on and leave me and Michael alone, since we are happy, and things are good. I don’t care if they read this blog this is my side of the story and trust me I have been nice in the end, because I was not the person that made Michael choose, I said to him to follow his heart. I am happy he did follow his heart. But I would never ever say that he can’t be friends with you. Be my guest and be his friend.. I don’t give a shit!

I know the truth they know it, but why do you have to call someone whore? Wait they might have an issue that people actually like me for whom I am.

Michael the last summer that went (2010) was a great summer. Even the things that happen, you know what I feel about them since we have been talking, and you know where my heart was even when I tried to denied it from you but you know me to well.

Well this is the only thing I will tell you about the issue and honest it is not me who start the drama it is someone else, but all I ask is for you to keep me out of it. So stop talking about me!

I don't care if you tell them about this... I would be delighted if they read it...


/Johanna

No name...

Now to the things you think you know about me but you don’t.

So let me start with the thing you think I care about most Money. Okay honest would I date someone that is like me I mean without any money? The thing people think I am heartless, I do forgive more than anything, I even forget people that don’t deserve to get the forgiveness.

Okay if I am heartless would I be in a relationship, where I do show feelings, I might not do it open but I do show them to the person that I should show everything too. I don’t like to share my feeling open. If you show them open you get hurt in the end. I know that been there done that…

My friends always moan that I love lads that have money that is so far from the truth. I love the person for who he is and not for who he is. I mean if he has money, he probably is a bastard that uses you to the max. When you look inside the person no matter what you see how he would treat you as a human being. I know people tend to go for the outside more. Why would you take someone that is hot but not nice to you, when you can take someone that is nice and hot in your opinion?

When you fall in love you don’t fall for who you think you would fall in love with, the feelings comes to the person that treats you the best, that get to know you, that cares about you. The heart is the main part that chooses who you would fall in love with.

People that think that I take someone for the money are so wrong. I want someone that will take care of me and he would say that things will be great as long as I have you beside me. I want honesty, love, romance, things that you don’t really know..

So now you know what I like my mates that always says that I am a gold digger.

My letter to my grandpa..

Okay there is something I really am thinking of, can you get over a broken heart, can you go on? From the broken heart you might get?

I know that you can’t go on with a broken heart; I have it always have had it since the 19 of October 2005. That day will always be the day I got heartbroken, I felt like I never wanted to live again, not without you my lovely grandpa that I wanted to become old to see me get married, to see my kids. But that never happen since you got lung cancer, you got to know it the 27 of December 2004. That year with knowing you being in pain was a hard year for me, but I am so lucky I lived in Luleå that time so I could go and visit you every fourth weekend, that I celebrated the last Christmas you where alive with you, to see you two weeks before you died.

The pain never goes away grandpa, I love you so much, I cry when I think about you, I miss you, I want to hear your voice only one more time, I want to see you smile, I don’t want to remember the pain you had, that the cancer took you, why the hell did you decide to tell me that you wanted to have the grave stone you have today? Why did you lie to me and say it was a good cancer when you knew it was the worst cancer you could have? Why did you say I see you next summer Johanna? Why not say goodbye, you knew you would die and leave me and everyone so alone, I thought I was going to break apart the day I knew you would die.

They didn’t let me go to see you because they wanted to spare me the pain but the pain will never go away, it feels like it was yesterday, my heart is not healed yet I miss you even more now than I did the first year you where gone, I haven’t even been at your grave yet? I can’t even go up to grandma because I know I will cry when I go there I am the only one that haven’t been there since you died. I feel like I am a bad grandchild, I haven’t given you flowers I haven’t been there to talk to you.

There is one thing I know for sure the tears never end, the broken heart doesn’t go away, the pain will never be easier, the missing gets worse, the memories doesn’t faint way.. Why are you not here with me? Why did you leave me alone in this world, this world is not the same with you, I know I can’t talk with you ever again, but I do want you to visit me in my dreams my lovely grandpa I miss you so much. I remember when I went up in the mornings just to be with you and watch the news you always looked at and then I went back to bed to sleep before grandma woke up. I miss you giving sweets to me in the car, to talk about how you had it, when you showed me the world, and I asked you a million questions.

Or when you said to grandma I didn’t like jeans and old ladies clothes. I miss the good times with you when we did things. I remember one time when we were on the lake fishing that time I was so happy just you and me on the lake, without anyone else. I was not old I was kinda young but now I can’t do that with you because you are somewhere else. I miss you so much. My heart is broken.

Do you still love me? Do you watch over me?

I can’t even talk about you without crying I just know one thing grandpa I love you so much and I want to be with you. My heart is broken when you aren’t here, I feel lost without you, but you know what I will make you proud of me, I am happy, I am in love and someone loves me, I hope you see that from heaven, even if I have a hard life I know there is one special that loves me grandpa, I hope you smile in heaven when you are with your siblings and parents, I hope you take care of Molle my baby cat.

Minä rakastan sinua Ukki niin paljon, ja kaipaan sinua niin paljon.

just writing of the things of my head

Today I really just need to write down things I want to speak about. Why do I have to screw up everything, why does it seem like I do that! I know that I don’t do it but why the hell do I feel like I am screwing things up. I don’t get why I can feel like that but that is how I feel about things.

Sometimes I feel so alone and I am never alone, but no one really understands me. I am trying to talk about it to one person, but it seems like no one are listen to me. That is how I feel about the things, but it is not like that probably. But how can I be dreaming about the things I do. I am trying to be happy but how can I do that when I feel like I am screwing up things.

Now I am thinking in a bad way I know but in the end I need someone to tell me that everything will be okay, no matter what, that things will be okay. I feel alone in this big world. Things are strange sometimes, but I know I am happy and loved. I am always going to have someone that loves me like a princess, like the angel I am.

Now I am going to take all the bad thought out of my head, and think about how happy I am. Because I am so damn happy, I feel loved and even more blessed than I ever have done.


//Johanna