Heartbroken is something that I never wish that anyone even not my enemy to have as it I know how bad it feels to be heartbroken.
There are probably lots of things to say when it comes to that subject but it is never so easy to help someone when they are heartbroken all you can say is that things will get better in times, but sometimes they don’t get better not for a long time, you really have to heal and that takes time, you never feel like you are complete healed but then something comes along and you realise that you are healing but slowly.
There have been four heartbroken in my life and two of them have been with love, and the other one was losing my grandpa and my oldest cat Molle. I know it sounds silly and that but all I can do is to tell everyone that read my blog how I started to heal myself and how I got stronger with time.
The first time I really realise your heart could get really ripped apart and this has been the worst heartbreak I ever felt in my whole life so far, it was the 19th October 2005 and it was the day my grandpa, went away from this earth from this place. Even if I know that he has it so much better, it felt like I died slowly inside because I knew I would never ever see him again, never be able to talk to him, to hug him, he would never see me get married and all of those things I wanted him to see. But the thing this heartbreak has taken so long time to heal, I never would say this to anyone but it has been this year I have started to feel complete again, I miss him more than ever, but I feel whole as I have found love, I’ve been able to talk about my wonderful grandpa without starting to cry, and feel all sad and alone, because the heart felt so broken for so long time.
It wasn’t that hard when my cat left us of I got heartbroken here too as I loved Molle more than anything in this world, no cat will be him, he was my sweet baby, that always slept with me, under the blanket and the head on my pillow beside me. When I cried he was always there so I could hug him and feel a bit better, he was like my best friend but he was a cat. I thought him so many things and everything but I am happy that I had all those years with him as he was my sweet angel. I got heartbroken as I had been with him for so long time, and the same will be with Smulan probably more as I have been her mum in some other way, I gave her milk, have had her since she was 1-2 weeks old.
Then we come to the love heartbreaks, of course I have had two one that was smaller than the other and this is the hardest part as this is something that no one really knows about me how I felt and how I have worked through this and how insure I am in some things. But here is my story of the love heartbreaks.
There was a guy that was named Sam, I liked him and apparently he liked me too, well the thing is that he always told me that he liked me and one day out of the blue he told me that he had a girlfriend and my heart broke apart not that big thankfully today I have realise that you can break it harder and worse, well the thing was that I cried for days alone in my room, but one day I decided to do things that made me happy, as whatever the other people told me it didn’t feel like that, it felt worse and nothing helped I was thinking about him all day why had he told me that he liked me and then he had a girlfriend, things like that. But I started to do things that made me happy and made me smile, and one strange day he told me he wanted me and I was healed than I think as I told him, I don’t want you (even if I did wanted him) because all I could think about he might do it again, as they tend to break your heart one more time if they have done it one time more, but then I have my regret that I never said yes, what if we could have been happy for one – three years, I will never know.
The hardest heartbreak I have had in love is actually my boyfriend that has causes but somehow he made my heart heal much faster than anyone else has done, he has healed me completely thanks to him, I have healed from my biggest heartbreak, well I will write about this and what things makes me still unsure the memories that never goes truly away.
It was 4th of June 2010, it was a Friday, and I can still remember what I had done the day, I tend to forget things anyway here the story is short but long I know, Me and Michael had been talking on skype as usually and he told me that he loved me like 7-8 pm sometime around here, and I was so happy was flying on clouds, but then later on that night he decided to tell me, that he didn’t want to be with me, because he liked someone else more than me, I really broke to one million pieces and I felt so alone, so stupid in the same time, he had told me that he loved me but he had been lying for me all along, well the thing was that it turned much worse before it started to get better, he decided to say up the friendship and I felt even more heartbroken.
The thing is that I have never had anyone that has been like he was at that time, but we talked the 6th June 201o again, and we said that we shall remind friends, well faith wanted something else, but before all that, I felt so heartbroken, and the thing was that when I saw that other girl I didn’t want to be online I wanted to hide, and die I really wanted to die, I felt so alone and so unloved, then one day I saw one thing and it broke my heart even more Michael wrote something to her and I saw that, ofcourse I got really sad. All people told me to forget him, how could I do that, I was deeply in love and no one understood how I felt, I tried to talk to someone and they told me that I should grow up and stop being in love, and everything there they were actually mean to me more than nice, no one was my friend when I think about it. Most people were happy that Michael didn’t want to be with me. Well it took probably two weeks before I started to smile a bit, and it was because when I and Michael talked it felt like we had start all over as friends, there no one knew that I talked to him, and somehow I never realise that I had changed in some ways.
Then one day in July Michael had come home from Wales and we cammend on msn or skype don’t remember what we used but I remember that Chanel was bugging me and he said you look really cute when you are rolling on the bed trying to write when the cat is in the way. All I said was thank you, and we talked a bit more then he really turned around my world honestly he really made me feel what have I done now he got quiet and just said Johanna, I have to tell you one thing, I have made a mistake, I love you I realise it now, when I speak to you I get happy and feel a strange feeling inside me. I will never forget those words, I thought he was lying of course but I said I love you too and I have always done it, I tried my best not to show him that I still loved him but I did.
So we decided to get us a new chance and we are still together and my heart has healed from that heartbreak but I can feel unsure when he talks to certain people, but I would never try to control him, he can be friends with anyone he wants, and I know he loves me more than anything. Well the thing is that I will probably feel unsure for a bit as it is still so fresh the heart broken, but honesty if you live like he will hurt me again you should know that it is better to be single and not be with him at all. All I know is that Michael makes me smile like a little shy girl, when he kiss me my world stops, and when he hugs me and tell me that he loves me even if I look like shite, I feel completely warm inside my body, and I would never ever want him to go away from my life, he is the best person in my friends, and family and anything you can put that to words, he is the person I would feel alone without.
Well all I can say about heart breaks is that you should never wish that anyone shall get is as it is one of the most painful things ever to feel, and if you see someone have it you can say one day in the future you will feel complete but it will take time, no idea to lie about it because it takes time, and it takes sometimes a long time, to heal from things, and you will be thinking about the guy for some time but when time goes by, it will fade away slowly.
-Jo
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