Today I will talk about something we all have been heartbroken, I mean everyone or most of us have been that, I have been it and that was the most painful thing I ever had gone through, I know that the thing is that if I get it again, as I felt that time I don’t want ever feel it again, Never ever again.
So better to say this now I am human I wish I wasn’t human sometimes as the feelings are so bad sometimes, but sometimes they are so good. You can be heartbroken for lots of things, and I am going to talk about what has been heartbroken for me, so If you want to share what has been for you please share it here, as a comment too.
Now to the thing that really is one of the things that I am actually still am heartbroken for is that my heart is as it is, I wish every single day that I was normal, without a bad heart. People always say to me, you are always so happy, so healthy, but they have no clue how I really feel, I can smile even when I am in pain, I have actually taught myself to hide the real pain, that I feel every single moment when I am awake, all I want to do is lay down and cry because of my heart, that has only been so my whole life. I hate to have a bad heart, how would you feel that you can’t train anymore when you are use to do it every single day? The thing that is most heartbroken about this is that people always have called me a freak, because they knew that I have done a heart operation, so yeah this is heartbreaking for me, as I am always ill, never fine. You don’t get it if you don’t have any illness.
The other thing that has made me complete heartbroken was when my granddad died, from his lung cancer, when they discover that he had it was the day that I died a little bit inside, as I knew that he wouldn’t survive that long, I hoped that he would make it, but with my luck as he was the person that stood me closest to me. Now to the thing, a little story behind this, I was there that Christmas, the tsunami was the same year, I remember everything like yesterday but mostly because my dear granddad was so ill, the 27 December 2004 the day he got to know he had cancer, he did everything he should do but the cancer killed him in the end, 18th October 2005 that was the day that I died inside, really died. Even if I tried to get to him, I couldn’t as he wasn’t here, I don’t even know how I have been able to survive that heart break I had when he died, without a joke this is probably the hardest thing that has ever happen to me, when he passed away, I really can say that I wouldn’t care so much if some people die that are around me, as they don’t mean that much to me, but my grandpa was my sweet angel, that I looked up to, he was one of the few I actually cared about. And still do care about even if he isn’t here with me, but I still miss him and I will always miss him.
The third heartbreak I have had was actually one thing that made me more human, well I realized that I was a person with true feeling, with feelings I never thought I would survive, that was being in love with a person, that actually choose someone else over me, that day I can still remember what we talk about, and things like that, I know it is a bad memory, but let me say this. When that person told me that he thought he loved someone else, two hours after telling me that he loved me, was probably the worst moment in my life when it come to experience love. I mean I trusted that person, and I still trust in that person and he complete made a fool of me, or that was how I felt about this, I actually hide, for two weeks I think, I wasn’t online anywhere well I was but then I saw that that girl was online and I remember how heartbroken I was, she was so happy to have him and I was crying, and felt so lonely, so hated, it felt like I was totally alone here in the world, no one to talk to, I was on skype but on offline mode, same with msn, and I only went to see my facebook one time a day, so I didn’t have to see her, that girl that he choose over me, I know that I was really bad, but the thing is that I started to hang with people that was in my past, just because they were at least there for me or I thought they were.
People don’t know how heartbroken I really was, but the thing is that every heart break has made me stronger in so many other ways, now I know what I want with people close to me, trust me when I say this, no boy are worth your tears, I cried for almost two weeks for this boy, but somehow life has their surprises, and they are good.
I dream about my granddad lots, how we use to go on the boat on the lake, how he gave me sweets in the car, how I hugged him, how I went to bed when he woke up, but the best time was probably when you woke up early and could see the sun go up, and when you where watching the news with him.
I have found love in one awesome person that never would hurt me like that person that broke my heart, and I have grown as a person, when I am with Michael I feel like I can be anything I want to be. He always makes me smile when I am sad.
Now to the heart thing, I know I can never change that, but I can help others that have the same problem, with an illness, as I know that you are special no matter what, you have. I have been taught that life might be short or long, and when you are alive you really have to make the best of it.
And now to the thing, there is lots of heartbreaking, love, losing someone, getting an illness, even to be alone might be a heartbreaking thing, so please don't judge the people that are heartbroken as you have probably also felt it, and sometime you will feel it too. So think what you want people to say to you when you are down.
-Johanna
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