Those people that knows me really good knows that I too much time about thinking about things is not good, well here I have so much time to think, and it seems like my brain never stops to think these days.
Well I think about the future and lots about it, more than anyone really realizes I do want to do things and to make them happen I have to start doing things this year, I remember one promise I have with my mate a male mate, that if I am not married when I turn 30 I will get married to him, as I want a family in the end but I don’t want the family before I am married.
Well I have started to think about my heart to really much, as you all know I was born with a hole in my heart and that has made me think about things that I might not be able to do. I mean the doctors don’t want me to get kids, and all I want is to have a kid I want that more than I want to become a lawyer and that is really my biggest dream. I get tears in my eyes when I think that I might not be able to get kids, as I want that, I really want to become a mother even if that will become my death I want a kid, that I have given birth to, one that I will love more than my own life. I know you all want me to be alive but I will not be alive when I see all my friends be so happy when they become mothers, they all say to me that I should do that too. Well I don’t know if I can become a mother and that is the only thing that I think about at the moment, more than anything.
I know I have changed so much as I have always said I don’t want kids, not get married, I have always wanted to die alone and be alone, but I have changed I want all of that now! I know for a fact that I probably need a new operation but I am totally scared of doing one as I have one picture in front of my eyes, you will not know how it feels to have seen your own heart through a mirror to have been awake when they cut in you to try to help you, I know they helped me as I am alive, but the memories will not fade away they seems to get stronger I don’t know I have pushed them away for so long time but now I see them crystal clear, that is the thing I see in front of me before I go to bed and I wake up and remember them, I don’t want to remember those things but now I remember all the pain, the things I have seen, I don’t want to remember, there is no one that can help me. As no one understands how it feels to have seen those things, I really wish I never woke up that the doctors made me sleep longer, but they did some mistake as I woke up while I was open.
The scars are deeper than anyone knows about. I really don’t know what to do as they will not fade away!
I am lucky to be alive as I would have been gone if I never did the first operation. But if I could have chosen I wouldn’t want to do it, the memories are too painful. I don’t get why people want to be me as they don’t have a clue how it is to be me, I have an easy life is what you see, but you don’t think about the other things, I have a bad heart, I am scared of things you don’t think about, I am freaking out I have too much time to think!
All I can think about is something I don’t want to think about, I am going crazy and I can’t talk with anyone about it.
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