Today I want to talk about something that people really don’t know about me. I have an eating disorder I know it is bad, but sometimes I don’t eat for hours and then when I eat I feel so bad because I don’t want to eat. But I know I have to eat.
Well to be honest I think it started when I was in high school when I was swimming as everyone was so small, and my coach said I was a bit fat, and when I think about the times, I was thin probably the smallest one. But I started to go on a diet and I was as tall as I am now and I weigh like 35 kg oh yeah I was really fat or I thought that as my coach told me that.. But in the end I was really thin and really close to be underweight more than anyone realize.
But the thing is now today I can feel the same as I felt when I was 13, that is bad feeling I feel like I am not enough and that makes me go back to the eating thing, I somehow punish myself and not eat for hours, then when I eat I really just want to go and puke it up, but today I am stronger so I don’t go and puke up the food, but it is a struggle to eat the damn food.
The thing that saved me in the end was burgers, and I still love burgers thanks for the only reason that they made me go up some weight but then I have my heart everything is really fucked up in my mind for now. I am scared I will get back to the eating trouble I have had a long time ago, and still have them. Oh yeah people think you are strong but there is things that makes you not so strong, and mine is probably food, and then thunder, damn the thunder is something I am so scared of.
Any way I wish the eating thing will go away for good, as I really like food, but I now I don’t feel for eating and that is really bad for me. How can I get away that feeling that I don't want to eat?
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