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This is something I want to talk about but really don’t want to tell anyone so why not share it with someone that actually might feel the same things, the same thoughts the same feelings that I have.

There is no one in this world that really understand how much I miss my past because when I was in the water swimming I was happy, I was really happy even though my team hated me everyone really did hate me, mostly because I was good, and they where one of the reasons I just ended to swim, because in the end I thought it wasn’t fun. In the competitions we went to I was never with my own team, I was with other teams, and other boys, and to be fair they did like me more than my own team, how many other swimmer had a completely cheering on them, I had that.

I even had the other coaches saying to me that I was good as my own coach said I was shit and bad, and it really didn’t matter that I beat my own record or things that that I was always bad according to my coach, the thing is that I think it was because I hang out with other teams and was my own person. I remember one thing; I was on a competition and one boy that one in my team liked swim in another team, we where friends me and sam as his name was. Well now to the thing, the girls wanted me to ask Sam if they could hang with us, but he said “no I don’t like them Johanna, as they never are with you, they always let you be alone, I know this as I have seen it lots of times. But you are welcome to hang with me always” the thing was that me and Sam was friends, we did go to movies, went to cafes and things like that but the thing was I liked him more than a friend but I said no to him when he asked me if I wanted to be his girlfriend because he lived so far away from me, I know it is not far 60 km. Eh I should tell Sam that I liked him more than a friend though I know he knows it, but it is time to confess that to him.

I really have messed up so many good things in my life, but when I think close I don’t have any close friends that I can count on when I need someone to be there for me. I don’t trust in anyone of my friends, they always talks bad about me to others and then deny it, when did I actually have a true friend that never put themselves as the most important person in this world, and tried to make me happy. I mean when I turned 18 my best friend gave me one thing that was like what the fuck is this how much I mean to you, she was at my place for ten minutes then she left me and the others didn’t even bother to come to say happy birthday, I was home alone with my family thinking that I was a person that was alone. Somehow everyone I have in my closeness here in Sweden uses me, to do things, no one really ask me how I feel or anything they just call me when they need help or things like that!

I guess friendship is something that is as hard as love is!