Well just something really

Really have been lazy with my blog lately but I have been busy thinking of loads of stuff really. The things that bug me is nothing that is a problem really I mean there are so many other problems in the world when you start to think closely.

Well my biggest problem is probably that I have no power, might not be the right word but anyway, I feel so depressed to be here in the dark, really it is so dark here right now, and I feel lost with everything right now, somehow I know I have it so good, that I am waiting that something bad will happen. Since when have I had this much luck? Never, well it has probably changed, as I have something that no one else have and that is my stubbornness I mean if I say that I will do something I really put my mind to it, so I will actually put all my attention to get up from this dark hole I am in right now.

This will not make any sense at all for those that know me, those that know the real Johanna. But I have finally realise that money doesn’t make you happy but it makes life so much easier, I mean you get a different respect from people, but if you are rich and I mean with loads of money on the bank you would be scared that someone would hurt you more than you are feeling when you are poor. Well I wish that the government in Sweden would change some things that we have in our country as some people doesn’t have it that good here in our own country, but yet we have to give money to Africa, Asia and other places, they should really help their own people.

Well what more have I been thinking, I realise that my friends always comes to me when they need help, or something else in help way, somehow I should know laws, be a psychology and more or less know everything, doesn’t really matter who ask me, but the thing is that it kills me when they ask me and I really don’t know what to tell them, because they need help always are they coming in the last minute, and the problem is so huge than I feel hopeless but somehow I have helped everyone as I am that person that knows how to help my friends. But when I want to talk, and I mean to just talk about how I feel about things they aren’t that good to listen, they would never realise that I am scared when I am alone in the dark, Yeah I am afraid, because I know that the dark brings bad memories, but when I am trying to find my own solutions I can’t find them, why is it that I can help everyone else but not myself?

I have faith in myself, but when it comes to things that actually I can’t fix with myself and I feel when I talk about it my mates are always turning their backs away, or want to be them with problem. Who can I tell that I wake up with pain, that all I want is to be in bed crying because I have that much pain, I know that you can never understand how painful it is to sometimes feel your own heart beat so powerful that you actually can’t stand or sit, or when you are feeling the panic that you can’t get enough of air, I do feel all those things, but I can’t find the solution to those things.  Well there is one thing I am not afraid of and that is death. I can actually speak about it how I would want my funeral to be, but the thing is that I will not die not yet, I want to see some things before, achieve some goals and loads of more things.

I know I should try to talk to my friends make them understand that I am hurting but would they listen?

Well the other thing that I will start to talk about is actually everything that you can be thinking of talking but I will probably not be blogging every day, I have other things to do in my life.

I will try to write a book about how it is to be me, with my problems and how I see everything about my heart disease, and my own feelings about it.

Well this was all for now.

-Jo