Friends.

The thing is that you always want a friend that you can relay on but are there friends that you can call in the middle of the night to say I need to talk, I need to go to you, something have happen.

I know that I don’t have so many close friends, that actually know me for who I am, really have heard my deepest thoughts, what I really like and all that, as I don’t trust in people I don’t let them in to close, they are not close friends they are just friends that I can talk to about other things but not private things.

Sometimes I feel like I am searching for the right words, to tell them how I feel, but the words never come out, I have learned to keep my mouth really shut as then I don’t get to trouble, I don’t get to hear that I am the person that have been telling this or that. I have tried my hardest to open up to my friends but they really don’t have a clue how hard it is just to say I need help, I need somebody to talk to. I really just need a hug so I can cry out everything that is on my chest. No I have learned to push away all the bad feelings, and never ever tell anybody how I really feel, well to my friends, as they always tend to tell everyone else how you feel.

I have two that isn’t my family that I can talk to about anything because I know they will not judge me for the thoughts I have, the things I feel. I mean they know when I feel bad even when I don’t tell them. They know how to make me smile. They make me think about better thoughts than the sad thoughts that I sometime have, and it will take a long time to just forget how great people I have meet in my life.  I mean those people I have met well most of them have been backstabbing bitches, and they still talk shite and if you tell them something in confidence they tell everyone else about it. So really they aren’t a friend.

If I tell people I feel unsure, jealous, sad, happy, tell them private things, why the hell can’t they keep quiet? Why should I be there for them when I know that they will never be there for me, when I need them? What if I need a shoulder to cry on? They will never be there for me, and honestly I just don’t have the energy to be there for them anymore. You all know who you are that I am talking about, some of you do read my blog, and how surprising is it that you all tend to say what I write on my blog, and still you get it wrong, really you are just saying what you want, I mean you don’t tell everything just some parts, as one friend did call me and asked me why I had talked shite about her, when I have never even named her in my blog.

The thing is that people never say the whole truth, I mean I can say one thing but when it comes back it has change to something complete different thing. When have I ever said I want a Volvo, I mean sorry to say this out loud but I would never ever want a Volvo, as I don’t like them, I like Saab more sorry. I know you all think I am full of lies and all that, but I know what I like and don’t like, and I don’t like Volvo.

The other thing that actually hits me now is how many of my friends have been here at my place I have lived here since 08 june, and there have been let me count them and yeah I know how many it is, and there is only 8 people that have been here more than one time, the thing is that it has only been , and there is only 8 people that have been here more than one time, the thing is that it has only been 15 so called friends here always.

Well than I have one that is my best mate, he has been here lots of times, and he brings me food when I am ill, yeah Andreas you are a true friend, but I am not that sure you keep quiet in the right places, Ha, no I really love that you are there when I need one friend, I know I can call you in the middle of the night to say I screwed everything up, and you would not get that angry, well you would get pissed as I wake you up but you would never say do never call me when you have fucked up things, so thank you for being there for me when I truly need someone.

Well people say that Michael isn’t a true friend, he really is a true mate, I know I can count on him whatever, I can tell him my darkest thoughts, everything really and he always make me see things in a different way. I mean I can be jealous and he tells me just the truth, without getting angry or anything. I know I can be a pain in the arse, really I can talk about things that never make a sense to anyone else, but for me they do make sense.  Thank you Michael for letting me talk about anything with you, and that you really never lose your own mind and tell me to shut the fuck up.

Now to the biggest part in my life that is that I really can’t talk about the girl things to lads, honestly they don’t see things as a girl do and I have notice that they just go whatever when you really are trying to explain how you feel, but they don’t understand, and they will never see it like me, I really should try to get a close girl mate where I can talk about anything and know that the person wouldn’t tell anyone else and really support me in things, I mean if I tell one thing to Andreas he always says in the lads perspective and so do Michael. Damn I really should try to let other people in to my life but it is so hard when everyone has stabbed you in the back more than once. 

I will end this blog post with a quote from Elbert Hubbard, A friend is one who knows you and loves you just the same. 

-Jo