heart

I really hate that everything hurts so damn much, really why the hell would every disease hurt so damn much.

I have been really ill this winter and guess what in our water it has been Legionella that is really bad I know that, when you start to read what you can have when you have it everything seems like I have it. Well just say that it is not normal to wake up with headache that is so hard that you want to cry like a baby, nothing seem to help. Well honest I am happy that I don’t have anything else at least more than hard to breath and I have got sick lately very much.

Well now to this morning, I really had so bad headache and my arms I didn’t have any feelings in them, so this I guess is something that has with the heart to do, as I have really hard to talk about this, but I have to big heart. All I know is that it will make me a bit more tired than I am normally but I should not be ill like get fevers and stuff like that, well this morning I promise I had a heart attack, trust me I know when I have it since I have had some already like five times before well this morning I had one. But thank god I didn’t have to go to the hospital tho I should go really, well tomorrow I have doctors I have to talk to them about that..

But this is the hardest part for me, people always tell me to make a new heart operation, but I don’t want to take one, and I know the reason why I don’t want to take one, I will tell you now that because I don’t want to hear from anyone that I have to take the operation it should be MY CHOICE since it is MY BODY. Well as you know I have operate my heart when I was five years old, but the thing is that I have never ever told what I remember about the operation time, I always say I have forgot it but honest you can’t never forget about it.

Well I do remember that when they put me on the narcoses they asked me to count to ten but I probably got to 30 before I went to sleep as I counted a bit faster then I should have done. Well I do remember counting but then I also remember how I saw in to my chest when it was open, I saw my heart my body inside, because they had got some complication so I had to little narcoses, I think the boy before me died, but anyway I did wake up when they did the operation when they were making my heart better, when you are a kid you don’t want to see things like that, I saw my own heart I am happy I saw it when I was a kid because if I would see it today in grown age I would die from the chock, and that scares me what if I wake up again when they are trying to fix me?

Then today they don’t use narcoses in Sweden they use like local anesthesia and that is bad, because I had it on my hand when they operate it and I felt everything since it didn’t take, and trust me I don’t want to feel when they do my heart either so please stop asking me to take the operation, I know people want me to take it but honest I am too scared to take it, I am scared they will find other problems in my heart when they are doing stuff to help me. Well today I know I am ill and there for I think what I do, I don’t tend to drink so much, I try not to get ill because when I get ill I really have a hard time to do things, and stuff, but people do not understand that. I mean I can’t do things as I want I am not good, I know I am sick I have a bad heart, it is too big, the blood is coming in to fast and goes out to fast, it goes to much blood inside it somehow, I can’t even be bother to know what is wrong with me because I try to think that if I don’t know what is wrong I can deny that I have a bad heart.

My biggest dream is to have kids, and I might not be able to get kids, and that is the worst thing that can happen that I can’t be a mother a loving mother to my kids. That tells them what they can do or not. I want my kids to be smart, and play some sport what sport it is I don’t care because as long as they do something I will be happy. If I get a girl she will never get to go on dates before she is 16 trust me I know that boys are idiots, and always just think on some other things.

But if I get boys I would probably want them to play football, handball or even ice hockey so I can scream at the other team, oh yeah I would actually do that, I support with all my heart, but I would be angry at them if they use girls, oh damn they would hear me moan more than anything that is a dream I have but you never know how your kids will turn out.

I will end this blog with something nice for once,

Stay with me, don’t fall asleep to soon the angels can wait, I need you beside me…