Being myself, feels damn good too

You know tonight I felling a little out of control, this is me do you wanna get crazy, because I don’t give a shite, really I do love being out of control and with you I know I can be that, It is not as I have to be the person that always smile and always say that everything is going to be fine.

Now I want to make sure people really understand one thing, as there are some people that think I am not a human oh yeah welcome to the reality of my world I will tell you one thing about myself that I have really learned about me. I don’t like to show how I feel because I am so afraid that people will use it against me. Oh yeah I know that those people that do that is reading this blog!

I am far from perfect as my mates has decided to put me as, I am grateful that they have done that but if they knew what was going around my head they would realize that they are more perfect than I am, honest I do worry too much about things that you don’t think about. I envy many of my mates they always say that it will be okay, nothing bad will happen, but If I find something like say erm a letter that isn’t to me that is to someone else I would get 100 thoughts and try to analyze that letter, like what does she/he mean here. That is bad because that makes me think too much about things I shouldn’t think of.

The worst thing is that I have a strange feeling of feeling alone, mostly because I don’t tend to talk to people what is going on in my head, but I have open up myself to one at least, I do feel sorry for that person because he really hears my thoughts straight out, I can really say out things about people what I feel and think about that person, when I think about it he knows exactly what I feel about other people my mouth has a bad habit to tell him everything.

Now to the other thing people seem to think about me, how the hell can you keep out the jealousy from your relationship? Oh back to reality I do get jealous on some things, but those things are not so big, because I do know what my boyfriend thinks about me, what he feels about me, so why would I be jealous if he speaks with other girls, honest that is silly. But yeah I do get jealous, but so does everyone in some part of the relationship, the difference is what you do when you feel that, do you start to sneak around like a snake or just trust in your partner that he/she doesn’t cheat on you. If you do start to sneak and tell him/her not to do things, better to break it off.

What is the worst feeling I have had, oh it has to be when someone is sad, hurt or even worse and I can t be there with the person and really say that things will be good, you have me as a friend, hug the person and just be there for that person, push away every feeling I have and just be there for that other person. If you aren’t there for your close friends when they feel bad you will not have anyone when you feel bad or shite. Trust me I know what I talk about, when I have had my break downs I have always been able to go to Jonas, but today I wouldn’t do that because I don’t trust in him anymore as I did before, he has just change or is it me who has change, grown up? Sometimes I do miss to be younger so I could have change some things I have done, like not to have had sex that would have been the best thing, when I think about that, I do respect those that actually wait until they get married. Why couldn’t I have been stronger and said no, because I had a boyfriend doesn’t mean I was ready for it, I never was ready for the sex, not emotionally. I mean you really should be in love with the person you are having sex with, I didn’t even think about Jonas when I had sex with him, ever I always thought about others. Oh yeah I do know that I wasn’t ready to have a relationship or sex. I wish I could change my past but I can’t and that sucks.

I do think about to when I was 15 and loved Nick Carter everything seemed so easy I could always dream away for hours and play on my playstation, Nintendo oh that was times!
Now to the things that I did think about that no one else knows, was to get married and have a nice wedding, I do know how I want to have it but honest I don’t want to tell anyone how I want to have it because I don’t want anyone to laugh at me, because that is something that I really have put lots of hours to think about. I know where I want to get married, what time of the year, everything, but honest that is my thoughts, my private thoughts

Now to the part where you can say about me being a bad friend, I think you should look at yourself before you tell others that I am a bad friend, I might be a really private person that doesn’t share many of my thoughts because I am shy, and when I have shared my thoughts idiot has used them against me and made me feel so bad that I have had that feeling that I don’t want to live, and yeah I have tried to kill myself in the past, but honest I am so much stronger now, and I don’t care if you don’t like me because in the end you have to learn to love yourself and be strong. Then you will survive anything and some day you will find a person that is as strong as you, likes the same things, will make you feel like that you are the only one that matters, doesn’t matter what it is about, and when you do find that person that does those things, and so much more you make sure to keep him/her for a long time and with that I mean forever. Just make sure you are there for them as they are for you.

Now to the girls that thinks I give a damn what you think about me, go to hell and stay there I don’t give a shite what you think about me there are maybe three persons that I do care about what they think about me. You others I don’t care if you think I am ugly, false, hateful, whore, whatever name you have for me, just gonna say one thing look in the mirror and you will see your own reflection not mine. I do smile and feel damn good, I am happy with my life, my choices and you are misery and unhappy!

Now to the best part this has been a shite long blog but I don’t care what you think about this blog this has been fun to write and I got out what I wanted!

Fuck you, kisses and hugs !