My annoying brain, and thoughts..

Today I am going to talk about some things that actually bothers me loads. My own brain, I know it’s bad but I have started to think some things, and even if I know they aren’t true I can’t help thinking of them.

So what more can I really say than I actually do worry about things, and there is nothing no one can say about them either, I know I will be fine but somehow I have started to think I will die if I need a new operation as my first one was a huge trauma to me, I don’t know what happen more than I woke up and somehow I think my mum said to me that the doctors said I never did that when they asked, but how can I explain everything that happen in that room? Was I dead, nope I woke up as I remember how much panic the doctors got and the nurse, they also said lets us hope she doesn’t feel anything, HELLO I actually think I rather not do a new operation even if I need one as I am scared to death I will die if I do one, or even worse woke up again. People tell me that they understand me how scared I am, but they have no clue how it is to wake up and see your own heart, to see inside your body, all I want is to forget that but I can’t and now I think I will die if I do the new operation.

The other thing I have started to think is that everyone really don’t like me as I am, what is really silly but I feel like my mates doesn’t want to be with me really, I don’t know why I feel like that, but I feel like no one really cares how I feel because if they would they would know I feel shite and bad, but they tend to close their eyes and hope I feel good, they never ask me how I feel, and they always come to me when they have problems, but not anymore as I need to talk myself. Who can I go to when I am scared, when I need someone to talk to, someone to say I am scared about loads of things, or when I think about one thing and they really just say I am annoying, let’s talk about something else. I mean I really do need to talk about some things but I have no one to talk to? When I get insecure who can I speak to as they really never give a shite about my feelings about how I feel about the things, but somehow I have to be quiet about those things as people get angry when I want to talk about my feelings, and that is to annoying for me.

I hope people let me talk in the future as the only person I can talk to is myself and that is not good as the brain tells me loads of things and I slowly start to get paranoid about loads of things, I have even made up some pairs in my head, and things like that. I mean how bad isn’t that that I have made a boy be totally in love with a girl that loves him, but there is someone else that will get really hurt, somehow I have to talk to someone but there is no one that want to listen to my so called crap. 

Oh well I am as angry at my mates as I am on myself, but my brain seems to be my best friend but also my worst enemy that is one thing that will not change in a long time, as I feel so complete alone at the moment, yet I have loads of people I can talk to but they tend to change subjects.

This was everything for now.

-Jo 

Rumors and lies..

¤Today I will talk about something that I have been thinking loads on and that is why do people tend to spread rumors, lies and say that they know you better than anyone else?

I am amazed that other people knows my feelings better than what I do, I mean who are you to tell me that I am lying to be madly in love with my boyfriend? The thing I really can’t understand is why you had to talk about my feelings to others and to tell them that I wasn’t in love with him as that is something I haven’t lied about for a single moment, I think it is more about this, maybe just maybe you are the person that is secretly in love with someone and don’t have the guts to tell the person, or you have realise that the person doesn’t love you and he loves someone else? All I can say is that this reminds me of my best so called best friend that said rumors to get people not to fall in love with me, because I was the person that got the boys, but all I had was my eyes on Jonas when I was younger, a bad choice from myself. Even Jonas has said that to me, of all people you decided to trust in me, the person that treated you badly, and you never ever blinked once when people told you the truth you choose to believe in me, the person that lied to you. I know I should have listen to the others now today because they were right about him, but they never spread rumors that I wasn’t in love with him, they always said I was blind because I was in love with him. Well my so called best friend was also in love with him, but he never liked her in the same way there for she started to spread rumors that weren’t true so people would see me as a monster or something.  

So those people that actually don’t believe that I am in love with Michael they are completely wrong, I feel extremely lucky that he loves me as much as I love him, he makes me smile like no one else, I feel lost without him, but I also know that there is no one else than me and Michael that knows how I feel as I never tend to talk about my feelings, what I really feel about him, what I can tell about myself is that I am a quiet person that really don’t like to talk about feelings and how I actually feel, but there is some people I do talk to and one of them are Michael, and he knows everything about me, and how I feel, and when people tells me that one person has said I am lying about my own feelings actually is not okay, I don’t go around and telling people you are pretending being in love with someone else,  so please for everyone just grow up and stop pretending you care about me as you clearly don’t do that, as you have opinion on what I do, how I feel, when there is only one person in this world that knows how I feel and think and that is Me, no one else knows that if I don’t tell you how I feel.

I know when I did spread a rumor about one girl here, I lost everything in the end, as I lied about one thing, the thing I lost was my own self respect I can’t still believe that I sank to her level to be with one person, just for one hour, that person that I was with don’t want to have anything to do with me today because I lied about another girl to him, today I am glad that they two are together but I lost two wonderful people, the only person I have to blame is myself to spread the rumors, I know I haven’t been nice in the past I have been that high school drama girl, and honestly I did grow out that when I left high school, I am happy for those moments I had in high school but I am not proud of the things I did. I was a bitch to so many girls that wanted to talk to Jonas, I was really unsure about myself and about my feelings that I had to spread rumors about others to feel better, but in the end you feel worse if you are a normal person, with normal feelings.

There are pretty many rumors I have heard about myself, and I am still so shocked about some of them, but mostly I laugh at them. I will tell you some of them, then you can tell me what you have heard about yourself and we both can laugh about them together, as rumors are never true they are just a bunch of lies.

That I tell people that I have done a heart operation just so they will feel sorry for me. Okay this is probably the best rumor of all as this is not true at all, I tend to never talk about my heart operation to anyone that is something I have just talked to maybe two people that knows how I feel and all my fears about it, I mean I can tell people I have done a heart operation because they should think more than once to not do things that I don’t want them to do, and to live for one day a time, but those I have told that I have done a heart operation doesn’t have a clue how I feel or how scared I am to have to do one more, so no I don’t want people to think sorry for me and if I want that I would never use that at least.

That I have been out parting when I have been in bed sleeping because I had a swimming competition when I was younger, come on I started to party when I was around 17 and when I did party I got drunk and my friends brother always had to take care of me as I didn’t even know where I was, I am not proud of those days, I was so lost because of loads of things that happen, and that made me so fucked up, and when I drink I become so damn mean, I will be your worst nightmare, and I would never snog with a boy when I am drunk as I tend to tell them what I really feel and that is NO NEVER, I don’t like you now piss off.

That I am dead, oh yeah I wonder if anyone else have heard that about them self it was actually one person that called me home to say I am so sorry for you lost to my parents and when I answer she was like Johanna are you alive? And I was yeah ofcourse why would I be dead? And she told me the whole story, oh my gosh people really have to start to think what they say to others.

Well the thing is that rumors can hurt you in the end, but it can also hurt the people around the rumor, I mean if you are in a relationship and you say that the other person has been cheating think now, you don’t hurt the person you want to hurt, you hurt both by making up a lie that isn’t true, as the other person in the relationship will get hurt too, as he/she hears lies about the person that he/she loves, and that is not fair to that person. People should try to think like I have done for a long time.

-Respect people as you want to be respected, treat people like you want to get treated, make love not war. 

Oh yeah I will end this blog post with STAND FOR WHAT YOU HAVE DONE AND SAID!

-Jo

Some questions I have asked girls, and my own thoughts.

Today I will write about something that I actually was surprised that so many would answer, I asked 25 different girls about sex, well when you chat, phone sex and if they had flirted with a guy that was taken.

Oh well I will start with this, have you ever had a sex chat?

Here actually everyone said yes, so I guess we girls aren’t that much as an angel, I know I have had it myself. One of the girls said she has had a sex talk with her cousin, trust me I don’t want to know what kind of sex talk they had, but I mean it can be so much here when you think about it, it can be I mean when you lost your virginity things like that. Anyway here the girls actually told me well some of them that they are virgins and they are afraid that they boy wouldn’t like them if they told them the truth. Why would a boy be off if you tell them the truth, if they just want sex they don’t love you right?

Then I asked about phone sex and if they have had it.

Here it was only 15 people that have had it, and 5 of them are virgins, they just said that they didn’t want the guy to not like them.

Well here it is probably most single ones that has it, and some said she has sex text, well sms or what you want to call it, and she said that counts as phone sex but I don’t think that, as it is more typing, for me phone sex is all about doing things and tell them to the person you are speaking to, and no I haven’t had it as I feel it is really silly myself.

The last question I ask was have you ever flirted with a taken man?

Here everyone said yes, and the thing is that one told me, that she has flirted with her best friends boyfriend and, they have had sex talks on msn, and even phone sex, for the first the guy can’t love her as he is talking with others about sex, but the mate can’t be a real mate as she is doing it to her so called best mate.

One said how you can know if the lad is taken or not, as you flirt with loads of people when you are outside, and on parties, but the thing is that you should try to not flirt with others boyfriends she said.  

Why do we flirt with taken lads, and mostly the girls said they have flirted with a mates boyfriend, just to show the girl mate that she has a scumbag as a boyfriend. 

I know I am not perfect either, I don’t think anyone is that, but I mean I would actually get pissed if my friend flirted with my boyfriend, I would get so angry that I would try to destroy that friendship just because I don’t want a girl that is after my boyfriend, I would get to paranoid if they are with each other, not on him as I do trust my boyfriend with my life but on her, what she would do and what she would say. So I guess I am not perfect at all

I do know I flirted with taken guys when I was single, I am ashamed of myself doing it, because in the end I wanted the lad to break up with the girl he was with, and sometimes you succeeded and sometimes you failed but what is the agenda you have when you flirt with a taken man if you know he is taken? Please try to think what you would do to the girls that flirts with your lad, or how would you feel?

That is all for now, thanks for reading as always.

-Jo

grandpa..

Been thinking loads about you this few years.

I stick with myself because I have no one left, you took with you my soul, the pain sets in, keeps me from sleeping, slowly succeeding I think I dreaming, I can see your face please don’t fade away.

That is how I really feel about things when it comes to my grandpa, I know you don’t really understand how much I really miss him, I really don’t want to sleep as I know that I will dream about him, but the face is slowly really fading away from my memory I really can’t remember how he looks like not completely, the years has gone so fast, I really just miss you so much these days.

All I want is to be with you for only one hour so I can speak about all things I want to talk about that I don’t feel I can talk with anyone else, how can I tell them that I miss all the things we did when I was a kid, when you took me out on the boat to go fishing, when you didn’t have the cancer that slowly ate you, the thing that took you away from me, I remember the night you passed away, I called you some days before all I could hear was how much pain you had, when I said I love you, all you said we will see each other next summer, you knew you would die, in some days why didn’t you say you loved me? Why couldn’t you just have told me the truth from the beginning that you had the cancer that wouldn’t be able to take away? Why did you lie all along to me? I can’t understand that not even today.

I miss you so much and all I want is for you to hug me and say hello, then just smile and be without pain, that the only thing that I actually are happy with that you haven’t any pain where you are now, no problems at all, but I still can’t see you without thinking that I want to be with you, more than anything I miss you so much, no words in the world can actually say how much I do miss you, and how much I really want to be with you and hug you, go fishing,  and go shopping, or just go to be with you. I know I am mean when I don’t want to see grandma, but I can’t go there, everyone that sees me says that they miss you when they see me, I wonder why?

Revenge

Okay Revenge is today’s subject, I will write loads of things you can do and probably what will happen and what the consequences are in those things.  Oh yeah I have never done those things I will write about but I have seen the things in close so I know they are true and what can happen, Always remember that it might not happen to you if you don’t get caught.

Revenge one this one is actually probably the worst thing ever, but also the worst thing to get caught doing because in the end you will lose everything you really don’t want to lose. Okay it started that a boy got dumped by a girl, and the girl had found someone knew and wanted to be with him, but this boy was more stubborn than anyone else I know. Anyway he decided to get the girl to fall for him once again and break her heart as she had done with his, he actually got the girl to fall for him and everything again, she dumped the new boyfriend to be with her ex him that she had broken one time before, anyway what he never realise was that he would fall in love with the girl again, and he really did fall hard again, well the thing was that the girl found out his revenge she dumped him with the words, you broke my heart as I broke yours so I guess we are even know, but the thing was that they never got to be the same again, she doesn’t trust anyone and he has still not forgot her, I really don’t know why he talked about his plan to others as he knew if she would found out that he had done that that he would lose her, maybe he wanted to lose her, as he never got over that she broke his heart as she did, in the first place.

Everyone that has been heartbroken has planned a revenge I have done that too, I mean I planned so many things that I really don’t know why I never did anything maybe it was because I was afraid of losing in the end, and I am glad I was the bigger person that kept my feelings in a box and really just healed in my own time, I know I get sad sometimes about being heartbroken but in the end I grow as a person and got stronger than ever, and I know that I have some people to think for that, all those that decided to break my heart, because today I am the person that smiles more than you do.

Revenge two this one is about a girl that decided to break her best friends heart because she found out one thing, this is probably one of the sickest thing I have ever seen in my life because it is not even okay, This was two best friends from the beginning you have to realise that they were with each other like sisters, anyway one of the girls dated a boy and they were together you can say, and the other girl was with them but then the girlfriend went to a holiday and her best friend hang out with her boyfriend and ofcourse they hooked up during those weeks that she was gone, anyway when she came home they kept their affair and hooked up as soon the friend realise they were together too, she dumped the boy and she was still friend with her best friend but of course she had a revenge in her mind, so to hurt her friend more than anything she started to hit on her brother that was older, and the thing was that the brother liked her without her knowing it, anyway they got together and she told her friend that she could go to hell and she didn’t want to be her friends anymore, and the thing is that she is still together with her brother but the thing is that her brother is not talking to his sister as he is taking his girlfriends side I know this is bad, but she got her revenge and she made her best friend lose her best friend in the en her own brother.

So this one is a revenge I have never done or seen so I have to guess what can happen here. The story is true but I have no idea what will happen if the person do get her revenge.

It is about a girl that thinks she has been together with a boy but they never have been together, according to the girl that thinks she has been in a relationship with this boy have missed that he loved another girl that he had his eyes on. Well there was a girl that liked a boy that liked her, but then it was a girl that liked the boy but the boy hated her, but he was nice to her as he didn’t want to be mean to anyone, and that made the situation so bad in the end.  The girl that thought she was with the boy is talking a lot to the girl he is together with today, and says lies, and those lies makes this girl really annoyed as she knows the truth about everything, anyway she also have been thinking to tell that girl the truth about the boy that he never loved her, that he only used her, in all ways she can imagine because he was afraid of telling the truth to her.  So what can happen if she really get her revenge and tell the girl that she has fantasy everything, I can see a lot of scenarios here,

The first is that the girl will tell her that she lies, and contact the boy to get out the truth and the boy will lie to her again and tell her that he did have feelings for her and the girl will look stupid as the girl will show her the things they have been talking about.

The other thing I can see is that the boy tells the truth but the girl will do something stupid and show everything he has been telling her to his girlfriend at the moment so she will get sad and more or less she will get her own revenge because she knows it will hurt the girl in the end to see things that they have been talking about, text messages, inboxes, mails and more or less real conversations too,

The third is that the boy breaks up with his girlfriend and leave her, and the other girl and both loses him as he is tired of them both as they always fight and can’t be friends, and he realise that he can be happier somewhere else.

Oh well what more do you can happen with the third revenge? Will everyone get hurt or will they be happy, do you get happy if you really get revenge on people, I don’t think so but sometimes I think it is good to think that you can get a revenge but you should be the grown up and don’t go through with it.

Hope you all have liked this one, and I know Bojana will love it it is not short and not too long, only 1242 words right now.

-Jo 

Annoying people and hate..

I have realise that I get annoyed to easy about some things, oh well I have also realise that I hate one person, really bad to be honest.

Well what more can I say I am so happy, but I realise that I hate one person, and that person annoys me to death really, as soon as I see xxxxxx names I want to tell that person the truth about a lot of things, how that person is as a human, what that person has make up. Loads of things but in the end I always smile and ignore that person.

I really don’t want to hate anyone as it is not good to hate, but now I really do hate this person and the thing that annoys me the most is that that person lies to me always, and pretends to be all good, but that person isn’t that good as it seems to be. That person is false, lying and everything negative.

Oh well I get annoyed about many things but the thing that annoys me most is when people write one thing on example facebook and twitter then they have to delete what they say. I mean they can write things like this, I wonder why he choose that person over me, why as she is not as beautiful as me, she is an idiot. Okay I guess that person is just trying to get the best sides of everyone. But honestly if you delete something you have things you should work out, and that is with those people you talk about and not do it public on twitter or facebook.

I hope that some people start to take responsibility of what they do and start taking things serious, do talk to the other people that are involved in the things, not with other people, as they are not in the issue!  

Oh this was everything today, I know a short one..

-Jo

Family, friends, and boy- girl-friends relationships

What is important in a relationship? Friendship? Family?  I really know what it is and there for I will write about it, but you all have to remember that this is my views and everything.

Okay let me start with family, than, as you always have the family around you no matter what you do you can’t change your family, who you are deep down you are always the same person around your family.  Well you should always treat the people with respect and with loads of love, not because you have to because you want to show them how much you do appreciate them as your siblings, uncles, parents and stuff like that. When you do get your own family, and here I mean own kids, own husband or wife, you should treat them with all love in the world you can give. I believe that you will feel a different love for your own kids, it will change you as a person you will learn what fear is, you will learn what happiness is, you will learn to have strict rules, and if you get a daughter as a dad you will probably get loads of heart attacks. Well I think it is the same with your loved one, you should never leave the home without saying I love you, as you never know what will happen when you go out from the house when you are not around the person.

So than you have friendship, what is important in a friendship it is respect to respect your mate’s thoughts, your friend’s choices and everything that your friend do even if you don’t like it yourself.  Well what I want to say here, I mean I don’t always agree on my mate’s partner but as that friend are in love with that person I tend to try to see the best things in that person, as I know my friend why would they take a scumbag to be in their life? Well sometimes they do that but I always respect what they do, I can tell them my opinion on the person and I know my friend will listen to it, but in the end it is that person that decides who she wants to be with, the same is with my male mates they have their own choices I can’t make them choose a person and not to choose a person if I don’t like him/her. The other thing you should have in a friendship and it is the same with family really is honestly, if you aren’t honest to your friends and family you are the one that isn’t brave, the one that never stand for what you think as you can’t be honest.

Well I actually had a mate that told me that he didn’t want to be my friend as his so called girlfriend didn’t like me, and he asked me what he should do and all I said was to follow his own heart, if he want the girl he has to make sure we aren’t mates but the thing is that I will be your mate when you break up with her, as I could see that they two wouldn’t last as the girl was so jealous about his girl mates, anyway he choose the other girl, the only thing I did was to write a long arsed note to tell him my own opinion, and trust me when he saw that letter he really started to cry because he realise that I was a true mate that was going to wait for him, and when they broke up, I kept my world and was his mate and he sat down with me and we talked about the whole thing, and all he said was people are lucky to have you in their life, you are honest, you tell what you see and what you feel, but also you are the one that waits even if we others fucks up, just look at me I choose my girlfriend over you and in the end you are here to be my mate, and to help me get over her. I have to say that if I tell one thing I do keep my words, that is who I am and friends are something you can be again even if the other person fucks up, and I know this person would wait for me if I fucks up loads.

Now to the other thing that you need in a relationship it is the same things as in a friendship really, respect and honestly I mean you can’t have a great relationship if you are lying, if you are saying it is okay that he is with people you don’t like all you can say is the truth, but always remember you can’t make your partner cut out people from his life, you have to respect that he has mates and that you might not like them. I can only speak for myself, honestly what I have seen and learned I really don’t give a shite about who Michael is mates with as it is his own choice but I can always tell him that I don’t want a certain person in our home, as I don’t like that person oh yeah this is an example so everyone knows. The thing is that he has to respect my wish too, but he can be with the person as long as it is not in our home than.  The thing is that you should never lie in a relationship what kind of person are you if you are lying and not are yourself, as that will only show that the person you are with doesn’t know you at all. If you are a jealous person you should work on that, it is not healthy to be jealous, but you can always tell your partner that you are jealous but you are working on it if you are doing it. If you aren’t working on your jealousy do you really want to be with the person in the first place?

Well what more can I say about the thing you should always respect the other person as that person has feelings, you don’t know if you hurt that other person by being a bitch, being mean and everything like that. I have seen some things in my so called short life, but the worst thing I have ever seen is how jealous a person can be that is sick really sick. I mean how can you love a person if you are so jealous if he talks to other people that isn’t you, are you really that unsure about yourself? It is not good when you are looking at the other persons personal things, like say facebook, you are stalking his wall to see if any girl/boys have written to that person you like. You might have his/hers password, or you have really break it so you can go and see more things, like inbox and everything, I mean that only shows that you don’t respect the other person, and that you are just a STALKER that pretends to be in love. I mean you can be that sick that you go and look at his/hers mobile too, I just used facebook as an example.

Well I will end this blog with only one thing, always respect the other person and mostly be honest and you will get those things back.

Thanks for reading this, and please try to think about yourself and how you are as a friend, as a sister, and even as a partner.

-Jo