Today I am going to talk about some things that actually bothers me loads. My own brain, I know it’s bad but I have started to think some things, and even if I know they aren’t true I can’t help thinking of them.
So what more can I really say than I actually do worry about things, and there is nothing no one can say about them either, I know I will be fine but somehow I have started to think I will die if I need a new operation as my first one was a huge trauma to me, I don’t know what happen more than I woke up and somehow I think my mum said to me that the doctors said I never did that when they asked, but how can I explain everything that happen in that room? Was I dead, nope I woke up as I remember how much panic the doctors got and the nurse, they also said lets us hope she doesn’t feel anything, HELLO I actually think I rather not do a new operation even if I need one as I am scared to death I will die if I do one, or even worse woke up again. People tell me that they understand me how scared I am, but they have no clue how it is to wake up and see your own heart, to see inside your body, all I want is to forget that but I can’t and now I think I will die if I do the new operation.
The other thing I have started to think is that everyone really don’t like me as I am, what is really silly but I feel like my mates doesn’t want to be with me really, I don’t know why I feel like that, but I feel like no one really cares how I feel because if they would they would know I feel shite and bad, but they tend to close their eyes and hope I feel good, they never ask me how I feel, and they always come to me when they have problems, but not anymore as I need to talk myself. Who can I go to when I am scared, when I need someone to talk to, someone to say I am scared about loads of things, or when I think about one thing and they really just say I am annoying, let’s talk about something else. I mean I really do need to talk about some things but I have no one to talk to? When I get insecure who can I speak to as they really never give a shite about my feelings about how I feel about the things, but somehow I have to be quiet about those things as people get angry when I want to talk about my feelings, and that is to annoying for me.
I hope people let me talk in the future as the only person I can talk to is myself and that is not good as the brain tells me loads of things and I slowly start to get paranoid about loads of things, I have even made up some pairs in my head, and things like that. I mean how bad isn’t that that I have made a boy be totally in love with a girl that loves him, but there is someone else that will get really hurt, somehow I have to talk to someone but there is no one that want to listen to my so called crap.
Oh well I am as angry at my mates as I am on myself, but my brain seems to be my best friend but also my worst enemy that is one thing that will not change in a long time, as I feel so complete alone at the moment, yet I have loads of people I can talk to but they tend to change subjects.
This was everything for now.
-Jo
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