I started to write in english in november last year, the months go fast, the thing was that I wanted people to get to know me, the person behind Johanna, the thoughts I have, the thing is that I don’t think that people really know me anyway, okay they know me a bit better but do they know me?
So who is the person behind Johanna Maria? She is a person, that likes to watch some shows, mostly Family guy, The simpsons, South park, Pretty little liars, Gossip girl, Csi, and I have started to watch Awkward. But people really don’t get that I like to watch shows, but mostly I am watching cartoons, I love to watch them they make me smile, when I am down, when I need to think. I am always watching something when I write my blog haha, so funny.
Well the thing is that people don’t know what I feel or think, I don’t have so many friends, as they I have had, has always failed me, or betrayed me in things, one of my friend, if you said something to her, she told everyone about the thing. Is that a life of good mates, that they always talk about you, and make you feel so bad? One of them said it was my fault that one lad liked me as she liked him, but how can I control his feeling? The thing is that I never took him, as I knew my mate liked him, but the thing is I remember that I liked one person, and it was my mates brother, and she destroy every chance I had with him, by lying about me. She said I was shagging everyone, when it was her. She even said I was the person that made other feel bad, but It was the other way around.
But somehow it was the best not to be with him, as he is into guys today, haha, would have been bad to have been dating two guys that is in to guys today, that would have made me feel why can’t I see if they are gay or not!?!
But the thing is when I start to think about highschool, I was actually the person that always got invited to parties but I have never got why they invited me, even my mates brother invited me to his parties. I do remember one new years eve it was so fun I was with one mate, and well it ended up that she went to a party with another friend and they said to me that I wasn’t invited, funny story when I think about it, in the end my mates was going to a good party but their was just 4 people in the party, those two and one other girl and a boy, then when I called my so called best friend I wasn’t welcome to their party either, as one person on the party didn’t like me, hm okay that was not the worst feeling anyway, I went home and my mobile called and it was the boy I liked and he said Jo, I want you to be my date to a new years party in the pub we have rent, oh yeah I did go to the party and somehow everyone that I had been with wanted to get to that party that I was in. Haha they called me in the night and was like where are you we want to be with you I told them that I was in that party and they wanted me to get them in but I said you have to ask them who has the party, in the end they said no to them as they didn’t like the girls.. Well in the end my date had to carry me home bad to be 15 and drink to much when you don’t know how much you can take, the thing was that I had to sleep at his home, and as my best mate lived there his family did know me and his mother took care of me, and when my best friend come home her mother actually never told her that I was sleeping in the room next to hers, as I was so drunk and her brother was sleeping on the sofa, they took care of me.
The thing is that I learned who where my friend at that point it was them that I never was with my best friends brother was more of a friend than my other friend ever had been, he didn’t leave me when I was drunk he never used me, he took care of me more than anyone else had done ever in my life, the thing is that my so called friend always tried to be with me to get to the parties that they knew I was invited to as I was a swimmer girl, so I was in to sports, and that was pretty much what I did on my own time, after school went to the swimming pool and swim and trained, and when I had competitions home there where so many people that I knew but never talked to and they cheered on me in some strange way, they always supported me when it came to that as I was good in swimming. But when I was in school I never talk to me, they just went beside me and said something mean. The girls where jealous as I was good in something that they wheren’t good in, I was good at sports, I was good in things I didn’t knew, I mean when we had pe I always competed with the boys as it was so much funnier to beat them.
But the thing is that I love sports and things like that, but people never knew that I liked doing that as I never talked to them.
The other thing that I strugle to think is that do my real friends know me? They always wanted me to do things I never like, they are the best things they wanted me to shop but the thing is that I didn’t like it when I was younger, but now I do like it. The thing is that is fun to buy games, because it is so fun to play a game. I remember that we use to have games days and I beat my mates, in games that they said they where good in but nope I did win over them as I didn’t use to do so many things when I was younger.
I remember when I had a bad period and colour my hair green, pink, blue you name it as I wanted to hide from people but I didn’t and they started to make me feel bad ‘cause I had those colour in my hair.
The things is that I am shy deep down, and I want to make people understand, when I needed to use to talk to people I used to drink and somehow I could talk to them, because I didn’t get so shy.
The thing is that people has said that I am so cold when I come to feeling, I am not that I do tell people when I am sad, when I get hurt, and when I love someone, but Idon’t cry infront of people. I do love to show my feelings but I might not be good at it, but the people that knows me they know when I show feelings and what feelings I show. I love to kiss my boyfriend, I love to hug him and I am proud to have him beside me and I love showing how I feel for him, and I do that open, so that makes me to a cold person?
Now to the thing that I want to become in the future, I do want to become a mother, to be a proud wife, than that I can go to law school, or something else that makes me help people maybe to be a psycolog, I don’t know I know that I have to talk to my boyfriend, what we should do in the future. The thing is that I know for a fact that I need to talk to him what I want to do in the future, as I want to have him in my future and a relationship is lots of comunications, but the thing is would I be able to come in to law school?
Anyway I have talked to much about things now I feel like people never know me complete and I guess that they never will know me, I don’t like how I look like but I love the way I am. I have learned to love my nose I have learned to love my eyes, and I slowly have started to love myslef as I should do, thanks to Michael.
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