I don't know why I feel so bad today, maybe it is because I have to think about things I really don't want to think about... Like that I miss one person really much, even more than I miss my lovely grandpa that is in heaven... Well I think I finally have sorrow him as much as I needed too.. Today I can talk about him without starting to cry, I feel ready to go to my grandma this year, but I still can't go myself, I want My lovely boyfriend with me, so I can get a hug if I really need one, as I haven't been there for years and I don't know what would happen when I go there.. It is so scary to think I might broke apart complete, I don't know how strong I am..

Today it is cloudy here in sweden, and I am along, listen to some music but still I am not so happy as I miss Michael so much and my mind seems to think more of him than I want, I want to plan what him and me will do this summer if he decided to come... You never know what happen in this world, it is not so much we can help if the world suck...

What is my biggest dream this summer, to just have fun and enjoy my life, I am thinking so much what happen this time last year, trust me I know what happen how I felt, the thing is I remember things I don't want to remember, I tend to remember bad feelings bad things, I remember how I felt when I come out from the operation >.< Well this summer I want to built good memories to have with me all my life, so if anything bad happens like I get dumped, my parents die, or I lose everything that matters I would die myself.. When I think about it when do good things happen to me? Never is the answer, if something good happens something even worse happens... Lets say I win lots of money, I would get it worse as I can't spend it as I have to live on them as I can't get a work, and that sucks... What happens if I get a family :S I know I have to start soon to try to become a mum, as I am not getting younger, and as I feel right now I am ready to be a mum, a wife, to build a loving home with my own family, I am secretly crying inside because everyone else seems to have it so good, they have their own family, it is hard to see all of your friends so happy with their kids, with their boyfriends, their husbands, with my luck I would never get married or get kids :< that makes me depressed :/ Oh shite I am just writing this thing without thinking.. well here you have what is on my mind Live and let die.... /Jo