I have a feeling that is nagging me more than anything else, I can’t explain what it is, but all I do want is to cry, I have been thinking lots of things that others don’t have to think about. I am not as strong as people think I am, I have probably other darker thoughts than most of my friends has. I am really happy but still I want to lie down and just die away as I don’t see that this world will become better, I don’t feel good, I have pain every single day, as my heart is as it is.
If I cry, if I don’t want to talk, would you understand me? No you wouldn’t all I have to do is to smile and pretend everything is good, but at night I can’t sleep as I am thinking of things that I can’t speak with anyone. I feel alone when I am not alone, but who would understand me when I talk that I think it is better to not be here, with you all, as I am in so much pain, I just want to be healthy and don’t feel any pain
I feel so tired all the time it doesn’t matter how many hours I sleep I can sleep 4 hours and I am as tired as I sleep 12 hours, I don’t know what to do anymore really I am feeling so lost as no one really understands how I feel I have tried to talk with people but deep down I know no one understands me, honest who would understand how it is to have had heart attacks when you are under 18, that you know that you live thanks to the doctors that did the operation.
I am totally scared of what will happen if I am getting really ill as I can’t get ill according to my doctors, as I have a bad heart, oh yeah they say to live normal but not to get ill, and not to drink well that is really good as I don’t do that, but the thing is I can’t even put in words how it feels to have the thing I have, I just pretend I am good and things like that but I know I am not that, as when I get a cold I barley can’t get up from bed, but I know I need to get up ‘cause if I let myself be the ill person I would not survive for long.
Just think of being 25 and get told that you can’t have a baby, I will have one I know that but I also know that I have to go to the doctors more than anything maybe twice every week to check up the heart, as I have a heart that is too big at the moment, As you can all guess it is not good, but honest to GOD why have I got this shit? Why couldn’t he let me be healthy from the start?
It didn’t help me either that when we moved to where my parents live now that everyone started to bully me as I was shy and I was still in pain after the operation when I started school, no they decided to tease me really bad about my heart, I remember they told me that I was broken inside, And I was how the hell do you think I actually felt my ribs was broken as they cut them to be able to do the operation.
It really haven’t helped to have my last name either here in Sweden it rimes with idiot and twat, and guess what I had to hear all my time in school, and it was a bad thing no teacher has been able to say Pyykkö, that really tells how much they cared to learn to say it.
When I was in highschool I remember my teacher told me that I would never be able to speak English as I never talked loud in school, mostly because I was shy, but the thing is that I knew everything. I remember my PE teacher she said I couldn’t swim, oh yeah I was competing in swimming, I was good in PE but she wanted to give me an F as she never liked me, because I was good in the things.
People always tell me that live is easy, when I look back at my life it have never been easy I have always had to work for things I have wanted. The reason my parents have given me what I wanted when I was younger is probably because it made me smile, I want to be the kid that plays with her dollhouse as I never had problems than or just be the girl that had fun with her toys.
Sometimes I just wished they never did the heart operation as I would not have had these feelings I have to day, I am complete broken inside I don’t trust in people and mostly I have only three close friends others are just people I know but don’t trust in..
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