I want to write something that is hard to talk about, my life in general, and something that is with me every single day even though I don’t want to have it
Let us start from the beginning I was born with a hole in my heart, in the left ventricle, and they found out that when I became ill. So I did an heart operation when I was five years old, all I really remember from that time was the time after the operation mostly because I was in bed, and watched how my pee went somewhere, I really couldn’t move. That was hard for me as a kid, then I had really much pains because they had to open the ribs to get to the heart. Was a pain to walk when I could walk again.
Then when I was 15 I think it was the heart started to spoke once again, I was in a swimming hall and then I remember the rhythm of the heart was wrong, you know that you can feel your heart beats, all I felt was that it went double and it was a huge pain when It did the work, so I went to the hospital once again they couldn’t say much there, so they send me back to my heart doctor, and there they said that I had to big heart and it was giving to much blood I really can’t the name but anyway, that I will probably need a new operation. Now 10 years later I feel worse than ever.
Every day is a struggle for me, If I get a cold I can’t walk up to my sisters, mostly because I feel like I don’t get enough air and the heart starts to beat funny, I know this isn’t good at all. But the thing is I don’t really want to show people how bad I feel. I have every single day so much pain in the chest mostly because the heart beats strange, I can sit when it starts, it can happen when I am about to go to bed.
This week I will go to the heart doctor for my big control, what if he says that I need an operation I know that it’s the worst thing that I can hear, but also it will be the best thing to hear mostly because then I know I will feel good. I was talking to one that had the same thing as I had she was older than me, and she had done three operations on the heart, so she told me what I have ahead mostly because it seems I have worse than she had.
People seem to think I am healthy and that but it’s time for my friends to wake up! I am ill and I am really ill because I just feel for sleeping honest I can sleep 10-16 hours if someone doesn’t wake me up and be awake 6-8 hours than sleep again, I know it’s strange but not really because I have an heart disease.
One friend of me has told me that I should grow up and stop thinking of my heart and drink alcohol and have fun with people, okay this is something I should think about really much because I can’t drink that. It’s really dangerous for me mostly because the heart start to beat faster and my heart is fucked up really. I am sitting down now and the heart beats 100 beats every minute that’s not so good, but at least I am alive trust me I am happy to be alive.
Sometimes I wish I had more friends that has the same trouble so they know what I feel..
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