Life in general :)

I really don’t know what I name this or what I shall write about but I will guess I can write about something that pisses me off. Why is everything so damn expensive here in Sweden? Well the thing is that I am lucky to have my mother and father that help me with things as I really am poor.

But I know what I will do at least today I will clean out my bookshelf as I will get a bed sofa from my sister. My friends say that I am spoiled maybe that is true maybe not, but I really don’t buy as much things as you think. The last thing I bought to myself was leggings, and they were cheap as hell as one pair here cost like £10 anyway that is the last thing I have bought myself.

That other thing that bugs me is the damn people that think they know me, really how many do know me complete? I guess there is just one that knows me as good as I do myself and it is Michael as I have open up myself to him, he knows how I am from the inside to the outside, somehow the hardest thing to do was to open up myself to anyone as If you know me I am totally fucked up with my thoughts.

People say I have a easy life but that is not true either, as I have as hard as anyone else in this world, okay I am born in the right place in this world, I have things yeah but things aren’t worth anything when you are alone and scared, I mean not for that I am that as I really have one that I share everything with, my home is his home. But the thing people don’t know about me is really easy I am scared of lots of things, I mean I am scared of the dark, that is the reason I sleep with the lights on and if they are off I hug my pillow more than anything as I am so scared, and when it is thunder outside I cry because I am so damn scared of it. I know it will not hurt me but I am scared and I have been that my whole life, and yeah I do blame my grandmother for that, silly as she was she was scared of it and she kept taking me to the closet when it was thunder outside when I was younger. It really don’t help that the lightning has hit our street more than one time, and that it seem to mess up my head.

What more can I say well life is something that you can think about for ages and forever to be honest, I am listen to Eric Saade at the moment a song called popular and why do people want to be popular? I mean I really don’t care if I am that or not, never really have cared about it. I remember how people mean has been to me, and it was those that were popular because I always stand for what I said and had on me. I mean when I went to my high school, I mostly was dressed like a snob and trust me it was snobby, but then on Fridays every Friday for three years I went with knee socks, short skirts and a white jumper on me, just because no one else had the guts to do it. I remember the boys went crazy over that tried to look under my skirt, but all I did was to be myself.

Or when it was hockey OS game when I went to 7 grade, 1998 oh damn I remember the happiness I had. Okay it was Sweden – Finland game and I knew I would be beaten up as I don’t cheer on Sweden as I am Finnish, anyway the whole school was in the aula as it is special game, in the end it was the crazy Johanna that jumped on the tables as Finland won the game, but I remember those that went to the ninth grade they told everyone that person that touch Johanna gets killed as they were proud of me for standing on my team, screaming and I was really happy, this is my best memory from my school time and it is a damn silly memory, but it was the only day that I didn’t get teased or bullied.

And this Sunday 15 May 2011 Finland won the gold medal in ice hockey world cup and I was jumping on my bed as one happy kid, I wrote to my dad text like the gold is ours, with tears in the eyes, it is so huge for me that we won the gold, but there are not so many that like that as we beat Sweden, I have always heard that I am bad because I love my own national team, but I am damn proud of being a supporter that is patriotic. My friends that thought that Sweden would win can just start crying, and I will ask you all how do it feel to be bad losers? Not even shaking hands with the Finnish players? Yeah and silly as the Swedish players are they throw away their SILVER medals, why can’t they be happy for a silver as everyone else would be?

Oh my god this blog post becomes a long one as I don’t use to write so long ones! Well I hope you have got me some bit anyway'

BAD LUCK!

Bad luck – this is something I will talk about today as I have had really bad luck the last time as it seems. I think it started like two weeks ago for me, somehow I have fall more than usual.

Let me start with the thing, I fall when I was walking on the ground thankfully I did not break any bones or anything like that. Then some days later I was on the shopping mall and they did a robbery in the middle of the day in the store beside me, and I had my niece that was so scared as they had guns, then where I live have become a shite hole these days, they start fires and things like that.

Well now to yesterday I was showering and the shower head broke, Do I have to tell you how this end? I fall in the bathtub and really hurt myself, but I did not break any bones. But I had to clean the bath room as it was water on the floor! Yesterday was really bad, honest! ARGH!

Then today it really was too much, as I went down to my basement I saw they had done a robbery in it >_< I lost lot of things thanks to that, and my lock to the basement place was the hardest one to break too. But the still had come in, and stolen lots of things, like ten university books! That cost in average £60 then think about the total prize of the books! Then they had taken two chest of drawers I had there, a living room table, and other things, like towels, bed clothes and other things, oh I really hope I will get some money for the things, I really am pissed at the people that has taken the things! It is not that I care about things, as I can always buy new things, but the thing is that someone stole them, I was thinking of selling the things so I could have got a bit money for them but now they are gone, ARGH! That is bad, I am thinking like why do all the bad luck happen to me, but it is not just me, other people have as bad luck as I am having. I really hope that I will have some good luck for many years now as I am not happy as I have bad luck. At least I think I know why I have felt so bad the last time as it seems that I have had this on my mind in some strange way. So today I called the police and they will not do anything as there is no evidence there >.< I know they are bad, but who can blame them!

My niece was like telling my mum: someone has stolen Johanna’s things, she was a bit sad. She also told me one thing today when I was talking to her, she had spoken to her dad, and said I love you to him and cried because she miss him so much, it really breaks my heart to see her so sad, I feel like I can’t comfort anyone these days. But she asked me if I miss anyone that I want to cry, and I told her I do, and she said just one thing, funny enough she is right, I do miss Michael more than anyone else knows.

This was all for today!
Jo

Food issues !

Today I want to talk about something that people really don’t know about me. I have an eating disorder I know it is bad, but sometimes I don’t eat for hours and then when I eat I feel so bad because I don’t want to eat. But I know I have to eat.

Well to be honest I think it started when I was in high school when I was swimming as everyone was so small, and my coach said I was a bit fat, and when I think about the times, I was thin probably the smallest one. But I started to go on a diet and I was as tall as I am now and I weigh like 35 kg oh yeah I was really fat or I thought that as my coach told me that.. But in the end I was really thin and really close to be underweight more than anyone realize.

But the thing is now today I can feel the same as I felt when I was 13, that is bad feeling I feel like I am not enough and that makes me go back to the eating thing, I somehow punish myself and not eat for hours, then when I eat I really just want to go and puke it up, but today I am stronger so I don’t go and puke up the food, but it is a struggle to eat the damn food.

The thing that saved me in the end was burgers, and I still love burgers thanks for the only reason that they made me go up some weight but then I have my heart everything is really fucked up in my mind for now. I am scared I will get back to the eating trouble I have had a long time ago, and still have them. Oh yeah people think you are strong but there is things that makes you not so strong, and mine is probably food, and then thunder, damn the thunder is something I am so scared of.

Any way I wish the eating thing will go away for good, as I really like food, but I now I don’t feel for eating and that is really bad for me. How can I get away that feeling that I don't want to eat?

No name

Well lets talk about something that really annoys me, I mean you can do lots of things but than you don't get respond or things like that.

Let me take one thing that has happen to me many times it is when you are arguing with someone, trust me, I get pissed really easy not good I know. But it is when the other person always is trying to get the last word, or saying when you are angry that you almost boil it is when the other person say Jo, you are so wrong here, at least you should calm down and confess that! Trust me that annoys me even more and as I am angry I will just continue and get more angry at the person as I am arguing with, and I say things that I don't really mean but they come out so badly sometimes. Have that happen to you?

The other thing that bothers me is when people say they know me, trust me you don't know me anymore you did before. I have changed a lot the past five years in thoughts and everything. I know I have always said I want to get engaged and get married after six months of the engagement but today I wouldn't care if it is one months to five years until I get married.

The one thing that is really funny about some of my friends it is when they tell me I know what you are thinking and what you are going through. This one is my favorite part as no one else than myself can know what I am thinking about and how I feel about things. I mean I was really sad for one thing but people thought I was happy, as I never wanted to say that I was sad, and I can really hide what I am feeling as I don't always want to share my thoughts and that with my friends and family.

My friends don't like when I get sad as I don't talk why I am sad, but mostly it is because I miss my grandpa so much I know he has been gone for a long time, but what people don't understand it is that he was my everything, he was probably the one that I loved the most in my whole family. After my baby cat Molle that is sadly gone too :< But honest I can't stop crying when I think about it, or get sad, I know for a fact he will never ever be able to see me get married, have kids, but mostly I can never hug him and I am so happy I hugged him the last time I did, because I never use to hug them other wise but I hugged him and said I love you Grandpa, and when he was in the hospital I had to do the worst call ever to him because I knew he only had days to live.

I called him with tears in my voice and trust me I remember the whole talk: Granpa, I hope you are okay atleast, and he answer with huge pains in his voice yes I am okay Johanna. Then I continued to talk abit about a memory I don't want to share here, and he laughed but then I heard how he got really tired and the last words I said to him was I love you, Remember that, and what he said back will always haunt me. I see you next summer Johanna bye. He knew as much as we others that he wouldn't be around next summer but at least I was able to say I love you Grandpa at least he knew that :)


Why is my friends so damn mean when it comes to him, maybe because he has been gone for so long.


And why is there so many that always want the last word?


I know that I have done many things wrong, but when I do the right thing, there is always people that will be the idiot and ignore what you say to them, even if you mean it from the deepest of your heart!


I am sorry if I have hurt anyone; I am sorry If I am happy, but mostly I feel sorry for you not letting things go away, Be happy and live your life. Be in love be friendly! I am happy and I am in love and that is something that isn't gonna change in years :)


So with this words I want to end this post :


Judge nothing, you will be happy. Forgive everything, you will be happier. Love everything, you will be happiest. -Sri Chinmoy

Jo

My talk to my blog :)

I really just want to speak to someone so I will speak to my own blog, because mostly it will not say to me that I am silly, idiot or something else mean things it will just listen to me. That is all I want for now

People seems to dislike me and it is really making me think what have I done that is so terrible that they dislike me, or even don’t like me as a human, all I ever try to do is to be honest and live a good life. Try to be a nice person and be the one some people have taught me to be, but honest sometimes I am about to explode in a bad way, as people do things that hurts more than they should hurt. As today Jonas my ex boyfriend is trying to be my friend but he is not my friend anymore he is just my ex boyfriend and he is the last person on this earth I want to have anything to do with I would rather die than to be his friend again.

Then the other thing that I was thinking the other things that makes me happy it is really making me so happy it brings me happy tears in the eyes, I will tell you all why I am so happy.

It is because I really know why people are jealous of me for once in my life I am perfectly happy and in love, I am so happy that I want everyone to know that. When people ask me why I am so happy that I smile without knowing it, I smile because there is one that loves me or who I am no matter what I like or don’t like. There are not so many people that respect me for who I am, I don’t know why but they seem to miss who I am and what I am like. I always forgive people I shouldn’t forgive because I am nice, but somehow I don’t get how I can be the bitch and the bad person always.

When I start to think back I am always the person that has got blamed for everything for every single thing even when I haven’t done anything. I can remember one thing it was in class some girls talked trash about me and we where about 11 years old and they stand 2 meters from me and talked so I told the teacher that they did talk trash about me and you know what the teacher did. He blamed me, I really never understood why he blamed me, but he was the only person that could have stopped the trash talk but instead he let them talk and they continued and in the end I was the one that got hurt, and still am hurt. Because it never end never ever ends. Why can’t people leave me alone and let me be happy as I am with Michael?

Michael is the one that makes me smile, when he hugs me my world stops for seconds because I realize how lucky I am to have his love, to have his support, and when he kiss me I feel something that I have never ever felt in my life that is joy and happiness. I feel so safe when I sleep beside him, I want him to hug me all night long, I want him to be the one that saves me from everything, because when I am with him I know I am in the right place. I love him with my whole heart and I know that one day I can be the one that stops his world as he stops mine; I really know what true love is when I am with him, before I did not know what love was about.

When I wake up beside Michael I fall in love again twice as much as I was the night before, because when you look in his green eyes you drown in them, and when he smiles and says I love you I really just feel like a little girl that wants to hide. Everything feels right with Michael even things I don’t want to talk about here but everything feels right with him.

Now I will think about the future I will have with the best lad in this world, and hope that he asks me the question I want him to ask me on a special place.

Michael Miles I love you so much and I want you to feel as I do. My angel I want you to be here because I feel lost and heartbroken when you are so far away, but in the same time I feel more blessed than I have ever done, I feel stronger than I have ever done, you make me smile even when I am sad, even if we like different things we always will love each other.

I love you my own Blowfish <3

Something just

Today I want to talk about players, do anyone know what a player is. As I have lots of male friends I have seen them played girls so many times, but how the hell could I miss when I got played? I should really have been more awake.

I mean I saw Linus, Fredrik, Mikeal, Daniel, Vincent, Erik and some part even Jonas play lots of girls but I never saw when I got played. Because you tend to miss it, I don’t know how I could miss it when I have seen it so many times.

Let me start with those girls those have played jeez I really feel so bad for the girls deep down, many of them was people I knew but I never ever said anything to them as they liked the boy that played them, then in the end I heard the boys brag about the shag, the kissing and what they did with her. Then the worst thing was probably when I started to listen to the girls how they really got used by the boys and all I did was lie to them, saying that the boy would call them.

I even helped the boys to hook up with girl by lie that they where sweet and totally awesome and that I do regret. Because when I got played and I never ever listen to my friends that would have saved me lots of pain, lots of heartbreak and the humiliation that came after it updated. I have never been so embarrassed so many laughed at me, so many thought I was stupid to think that he loved me, and the worst part was that I stayed so long time with him, when all my friends warned me from him, The only think I did promise myself was to close my heart forever, never let anyone come close to it. I don’t ever want to be that girl that everyone laughs at one time again; I want to be the person that no one really cares about more than my loved one.

So what is the point to fall in love when you might get hurt and played again you ask me? If you don’t dare to fall in love and risking getting hurt and humiliated you might miss the one person that will being your prince that will take care of you whenever you need someone to take care of you. People ask me if I am ready to fight for love, and yes I am ready I am ready to take the big step to get married and live happy for the rest of my life. Honest I never thought I would say this but I am so ready for all those things, that I can even change my last name and trust me that is a huge thing for me.

I would kill for one person and that is how strong I feel for someone…

Football and Ice hockey

I will write this post while I am watching Romeo and Juliet from 1996.

I have to say this because people think they know me. So let me start with things you really don’t know about me.

I will tell you the reason why I do cheer on Finland and not Sweden in ice hockey as I am born in well Sweden, I will tell you why. Okay as some people know I am a Finnish citizen and my dad thought me one important lesson when I was young and it was that Finnish people never ever cheer on Sweden in ice hockey they hate each other. It is like if you are English and you cheer on France in football, I know it is a bad example, but the best I can come up with. I do love Finland’s hockey team more than anything else and I rather cheer on the other team Sweden plays against, my close mates knows this because I am not ashamed to confess that I love Finland more than anything else.

Now to my favorite team in ice hockey it is Frölunda Indians Hockey team, because I live in Gothenburg and it is the only hockey team here, and I do hate Färjestand, every team that is from north Sweden and of course I hate the Stockholm’s teams that are in the league. But I can cheer on some other teams here in Sweden, like HV71 if they play against a Stockholm team.

Everyone that knows me for the person I am knows that I love Ice hockey more than football but I do watch every football game that you can see on telly and online but here is the thing there is some different loves in the football cheering thing.

There is only one love for me in the national teams and it is Sweden I love them with passion and if they meet the best teams alive I always cheer on them and I don’t care I have Swedish flags on my face and I am a proud supporter, but if they aren’t in the Euro’s or World cup I cheer on England this is something I have always done and will always do. But if England is playing against Sweden I hate them with passion. That is how I love it. It will be extremely fun to watch a Sweden – England game as my boyfriend is English, because if his team wins I would get pissed and if my team wins he will get pissed. No winning position here, but I would make sure if we get kids that they like the both teams as one of us is loving the other team, my boyfriend might not think like me but that is one thing I will teach our kids.

Then I love my home team IFK Göteborg and honest I will love them always more than some other team, and yeah I have started to like IFK but my heart beats for Örgryte more than anything but honest I am happy If IFK wins the league here, and if they would meet Liverpool footballs club, Real Madrid, Barcelona, Manchester United, Arsenal or even Milan I would hate the other teams with passion because my heart beats for IFK Göteborg no other team! Oh that is shocking to say, but there are other teams I like as Liverpool FC, Real Madrid, Atletico Madrid, Manchester United, And Barcelona minus Messi, I really hate him with passion. I like Ronaldo more than Messi, well another story to be honest. So what I want to say I like the other teams not love them, there is a huge different thing to love something and to like them.

I mean how many teams can you love to be honest? My opinion on that is your own home team you love, and home country and you love them with passion otherwise you are ashamed of where you are from, and that is something you shouldn’t be.

I would be extremely happy if my boyfriend’s teams will go good, because if he gets happy I would be happy. I know he supports Liverpool just because one reason really but that is his love, and he supports them with passion, and his country jeez he is a maniac when it comes to the national teams. We spoke about Ice hockey some days ago I tried to make him cheer on Finland but nope he wants to support England that isn’t in the world cup in hockey but still he is so passion with his own country as you should be. But I know he would be extremely happy for me if Finland wins the world cup as I love them. That is how it should be you can ask my friend who got happy when Canada won over Sweden in a world cup final? Me I screamed so loud that they lost and came second, and when Finland loses to Sweden I want to kill everyone that reminds me of it as I love Finland. To be honest I rub it in my friend’s faces if Finland wins over Sweden but that is who I am.

You should love the things that are close to you more than anything else, but you should also be happy if it goes good for other teams that your loved one loves with passion.

So this is all I am gonna talk about today and this blog post got longer than I thought but people need to get to know the truth about me someday. I love Sweden and IKF in football and I love Finland and Frölunda Indians.

Hope you have enjoyed this post otherwise fuck off and have a nice day.

Kisses and hugs, fuck you!