No name..

I don’t know what to do anymore. Friends that should be friend aren’t friends. Those I trusted in I can’t trust in. Well now I know at least that I am going to die painfully slow inside.

I just hope that someone will bring me up from this dark hole.

Jeez not fun to be me today...

Swedish music and my thoughts

I will just say one thing today… I am listening to lots of music but there is a song that is in Swedish that is called 7milakliven. The lyric goes something like this in English “I will not come home tonight, if I know myself. Let us say goodbyes to both the heart and the soul, I can take a long hard punishment for all the times we have had” This is really a beautiful song. Everyone is moaning that Swedish singers is bad, I stand for that I like some Swedish singers like

- Håkan Hellström
- Danny
- Darin
- Ola Svensson
- Agnes
- September
- Europe
- EMD
- Måns Zelmerlöw
- Takida
- Eric Saade
- Erik Grönwall
- Imperiet, Ebba Grön and Joakim Thåström

Well people seem to forget that we have lots of good artist here we do have Robyn through I don’t like her music she is big outside Sweden.
Then we have Max Martin that is a writer jeez he had done really many songs to ex. Britney Spears and Backstreet boys but really he is a good example that there are good talent songwriters here in this small country.

The only think I miss in Swedish music is a good decent rock band Europe is the only one that I can say that I like the rest is shite, Hammerfall is okey but not Wow, I would like that we get a rock band that is as good as: Guns ‘n roses, Poison, Mötley Crüe, AcDc, Bon jovi and Scorpions there are lots of good rock bands out in the world.
Now to the thing about the Swedish music I know for a fact many people hate Håkan Hellström for his lyrics and that he can’t sing live, but Eh he is really good live he takes the audience and make them sing all the songs with him, magic to see him live.
Anyway now to the thing we have got many good singers from our show called Idol I know I am an idol watching person but the thing is this year it isn’t anyone that is good in the show. This year it’s a singer called Jay Smith and he is not good at all he takes drugs, and people seem to love him lots, now to the thing it’s not fair to the other one that was in the show if they had taken drugs they would have been gone. Just because the jury loves him he gets to stay!
Seems like they that wins our idol really is shite the next year I only know that one winner has succeed and it’s Agnes.

Now to the thing I like our punk bands we have here in Sweden but they aren’t new ones they are old ones :P haha Imperiet is really amazing to listen to or Ebba Gröns song die mauer it’s about berlin wall.

Anyway people have been telling me that I love pop more than rock but they are so wrong I was thinking what music I love most and it is punk and rock like nirvana, AcDc and Guns ‘n roses they are the most artist I listen to, I wouldn’t change that but people seems to have forgot that I love rock because I started to like Backstreet boys because I fall inlove with Nick Carter jeez was so embarrassing that I liked him.

Anyway I want to say that I love our music in Sweden!

I will link you some of the songs I like from you tube, listen and enjoy !

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q0XtJDW7oiI Martin S- 7milakliv
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rNiQNdmEv_g Håkan - Känn ingen sorg för mig Göteborg <3333333
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ym6tF0vDfO4&translated=1 Darin breathing your love alone <3333
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tJJBajoexGg&translated=1 Agnes - On and on
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J294A-R1Cjk&translated=1 Robyn- dancing on

Boys flirting jeez

Boys, where can I start about them, I know they think at least that a blond blue eyed girl is stupid and want everyone. Not true at all, it’s the boys that are stupid not me at least

Let start with this I do know when someone flirt with me but I always pretend that I don’t notice it because if I start to care I really have many idiots that do it. Well some are cute and hot, but mostly the boys are butt ugly and I wouldn’t touch them with my arms, jeez that is the scary thing I rather want to be dead then to touch some of the boys.

Let’s take yesterday I was on the tram and one boy sat beside me, probably around my age, Swedish anyway he said “Hello, cutie you are lucky today, I want to fuck today?” I mean if you want to flirt with me that wouldn’t work for 1 billion trust me on that! The thing is that I think It’s at least 10 different boys that do flirt with me when I am outside, the thing is that I haven’t wanted to have anyone as my boyfriend so I haven’t cared that they have been doing it…

I remember when I worked in a shop one boy was there to fix one thing, Eh I am a girl that looks lots on the arse *_* jeez this boy actually pulled his pants down a bit so I could see his boxers was white, and his arse was actually really nice, anyway he was really cute and hot. The thing was I have never ever said this to anyone but he asked me for a date, he thought I was really cute and nice. Well I do regret that I never went on the date, but it was totally just not the right one. Deep inside I do like romance and romantic stuff (damn it’s bad I know!). Everyone thinks the silly fraises works on me but hell no they are so wrong, I think the only thing that works on me is that you actually pay attention to who I am as a person and respect that.

Then we have the desperate boys that sends you mail via, facebook, tagged, myyearbook or twitter saying hello cutie want to fuck, I want a relationship with you, I love you marry me jeez they don’t even fuck know me. I don’t care that they want to be friends but hell no I don’t want to get married, that thought scares me really because then you have to share everything with someone you love and hopefully it will go good, but most of my friends that has got married is divorced now..

I can actually just come up with one thing and that is that boys are so desperate when they flirt and want some girl. I can’t say everyone has the same problem as me, I am always honest with them and say I don’t want a relationship, they don’t respect if you tell them that you are in a relationship then they say I am lying! Jeez why would I lie that I have a boyfriend if I would lie I would say I love girls and have a girlfriend and doesn’t get turned on by males haha wonder if they would give up then!

I know that this is just my thoughts, but I wonder how boys think about us girls, wonder if we are as desperate as some boys are? I know that not everyone is so desperate, but it would be fun to hear how boys see us girls and their opinion on how we flirt.

I have one male friend that said the hot and sexy girls doesn’t flirt with you they only take the jackarses , they never take a good boy, only the bad ones. I always answer him but is it so wrong that a not so attractive girl flirt with you? And he says yes. Anyway in my mind boys are strange!

oh I know I'm not right so don't tell me that I am wrong!

the feeling about my heart disease

I want to write something that is hard to talk about, my life in general, and something that is with me every single day even though I don’t want to have it

Let us start from the beginning I was born with a hole in my heart, in the left ventricle, and they found out that when I became ill. So I did an heart operation when I was five years old, all I really remember from that time was the time after the operation mostly because I was in bed, and watched how my pee went somewhere, I really couldn’t move. That was hard for me as a kid, then I had really much pains because they had to open the ribs to get to the heart. Was a pain to walk when I could walk again.

Then when I was 15 I think it was the heart started to spoke once again, I was in a swimming hall and then I remember the rhythm of the heart was wrong, you know that you can feel your heart beats, all I felt was that it went double and it was a huge pain when It did the work, so I went to the hospital once again they couldn’t say much there, so they send me back to my heart doctor, and there they said that I had to big heart and it was giving to much blood I really can’t the name but anyway, that I will probably need a new operation. Now 10 years later I feel worse than ever.

Every day is a struggle for me, If I get a cold I can’t walk up to my sisters, mostly because I feel like I don’t get enough air and the heart starts to beat funny, I know this isn’t good at all. But the thing is I don’t really want to show people how bad I feel. I have every single day so much pain in the chest mostly because the heart beats strange, I can sit when it starts, it can happen when I am about to go to bed.

This week I will go to the heart doctor for my big control, what if he says that I need an operation I know that it’s the worst thing that I can hear, but also it will be the best thing to hear mostly because then I know I will feel good. I was talking to one that had the same thing as I had she was older than me, and she had done three operations on the heart, so she told me what I have ahead mostly because it seems I have worse than she had.

People seem to think I am healthy and that but it’s time for my friends to wake up! I am ill and I am really ill because I just feel for sleeping honest I can sleep 10-16 hours if someone doesn’t wake me up and be awake 6-8 hours than sleep again, I know it’s strange but not really because I have an heart disease.
One friend of me has told me that I should grow up and stop thinking of my heart and drink alcohol and have fun with people, okay this is something I should think about really much because I can’t drink that. It’s really dangerous for me mostly because the heart start to beat faster and my heart is fucked up really. I am sitting down now and the heart beats 100 beats every minute that’s not so good, but at least I am alive trust me I am happy to be alive.

Sometimes I wish I had more friends that has the same trouble so they know what I feel..

Betray

I think that this is something everyone will have in their life from some people they will meet.

The thing is that people always betray you somehow they trash talk you, talk bad things behind your back you can hear them but they will never notice you are there mostly because they are full of talking about you.

I really just realize that people are maniacs they tell you something then they are full of bullshite, I have or had one friend that said to me that I never was there for her, now to the thing I was there for this friend always I even went maniac to a boy she liked and screamed at him how stupid he is for hurting this great person.. When I think about this I really should say sorry to that guy, he didn’t deserve that, anyway then I always was there supporting her, but that isn’t in her mind. The thing was when I almost lost a dear friend, this friend said to me kind this words, Forget about him, if he doesn’t want to be your friend then you can’t do anything. I don’t think she supported me at all, instead she was laughing at me because I became the joke somehow.
Well I have to say I have been betrayed so many times that I can’t even bother to care anymore when they betray me, only if someone I really trust or are really close with would hurt. But the thing is that friend who says you aren’t there for them, when you clearly are is talking so much shite about your back. All I want to do is to punch them to hell or the other side of the earth so I never ever have to see them again.

Then I don’t get girls (mostly them) that they are the worst people of betray you as a person, they always backstab you and leave you there like you are the black sheep, really I wish I could do magic so everyone of my friend could be happy but guess what I can’t, and because of that I get betrayed by them mostly because I tell them the truth as you always should do!

I am sick of false people that betray my trust! I don’t need you in my life and you don’t have to pretend to like me, just tell me the truth and I will be okey, good to know have a good life! Jeez I am getting sick of the bullshite and things are around this world!

Some people think everything is about them BUT wake up everything isn’t about you! It’s about other people not you as you think!

If you want to get to know me then don’t betray me, be my friend and really ask how I feel and support me for once!

I want to tell everyone that this wasn't easy to write about mostly because this is my own thoughts, and I don't like to show what i feel deep inside!

The scary thing: Love

This one topic is the hardest thing ever to write about, mostly because I have tell my feelings to someone else but in the end when you have open up yourself you feel proud and happy about yourself, the most scary thing is that the other person doesn’t have the same feelings as you have.

Well to make any sense because it’s my brain we will try to get down!

I will start with my ex boyfriend that I had, I really have realize that I never loved him, so now to the big question why I was together with him? I was with him mostly because everyone else wanted me to have someone! The worst part in this is that I was with him because my so called friend wanted me to be with him, okey I do regret being with him because I didn’t love him, I regret that I told him that I love him, because those words are something you should mean with the whole heart before you telling them. I know who many people have told I love you and never meant it; I have not my proudest moment ever! I wish really that I can go back in time and change some things that would be one of the things.

The thing is that I learned lots about not being in love and how it was to be humiliated since he cheated on me really much. That was the thing that made me close my heart and I tried to close the heart so no one could hurt me or humiliate me ever again. But I also made a huge list what a guy should have so I never had to fall in love. I know it sounds crazy but it’s true!
I am will tell you what was on the list, because then people will understand how sick the list was in the first place.

- Born 1980-1984
- He should have blond hair, blue eyes
- He should be rich like a billionaire ( I am ashamed about that, because money isn't everything)
- He should have an athletic body
- He should be 180 cm tall or taller
- He should be nice, handsome, sexy, make me feel good
- He should be romantic

There are some of the things in the list and I know that it’s bad because no one in this world can be that dream boy I wanted to have!

But anyway then I slowly started to fall in love with a boy, trust me I didn’t realize that I started to fall for that boy, if I had realize it I would have run the other way, and hide. It was really scary to tell him what I felt mostly because I was really scared he wouldn’t feel the same, but somehow I was really lucky because he felt the same things. He also taught me what love is about, how you should be to someone else, and when I told him I love you, trust me it felt so easy, and people that know me in real life really know that I am scared of telling those words.

I really don’t know what more I should say about love, mostly because I don’t want to open up myself more then I have done.

I mean there are lots of different loves I will go in to that someday I think.

Anyway thanks for reading this shite as I call it…

my own thoughts about friends..

This topic is kind of hard to talk about but I know I have to talk about it since this is an important thing in your life, friends.

So this will be about good and bad friends, and how I want you to be as a friend for me.

Let us start with the bad friends, it is them who pretends to be your friend and doesn’t like you and they make sure that every else knows that they dislike or hate you, then they talk nice to you and try to get out information or pretends to be a good friend. Anyway I know this has happen to everyone but for me it seems that it happens all the time, mostly because they get jealous of me as a person. I don’t get who they can be jealous of me, I mean come on they think I get what I want but that isn’t true at all!

Then there is a difference between boy mates and girl mates mostly is that boys tell you directly what they feel about you and doesn’t trash talk you, as girls do. Let take an example of this, I asked my male mate how do this dress look on me, and trust me it wasn’t the best respond you can get, he actually said I looked fat, and ugly in it but the knee socks I had was sexy… then I asked a girl mate about the same outfit and she was telling me that I looked slim, and sexy and only good things, now to the point boys always tell you the truth (most of the times)
I really can go on with the bad friends because it’s easier to do that but I will write about the good ones too.

Those friends that I see as a good ones is those that doesn’t talk trash about you and tells you the truth no matter how much it would hurt me as a person, but at least they wouldn’t lie and say that things looks good, or yeah he loves you (when he doesn’t) they tell you the truth no matter what!

Then friends is something that you really need in life, they make you smile and laugh and make you feel good, I do love my friends those that I have as close ones I know it’s not so many people but they are my everything. I can go to them when I break apart and they would make me smile again! Trust me not a good thing when I break apart but HELLO I do that too sometimes.

The thing is that most of my so called friends think I never cry, I never get hurt, that I always smile and feel happy always. They should get back to the reality because I do cry when I get hurt, I cry when I get hurt, I whipped as a baby when I broke my ankle so yeah I do cry, I broke apart this summer for some reasons and those friends that saw me really knows how bad it was. Then my next question is why do not people see when I don’t feel bad? Yes because they aren’t a friend, they would see if you are hurt, sad, happy, and confessed or anything else because they know who you are as a human.

Oh if you want me to write about anything that you wonder about me, and my thoughts just comment and I will write about it when I feel for it.