I have come to a point where I really have to decide what I want to do with my life. I know it is not easy to come up with things I want to do but I do have goals what I want to do with my life.
I really would want to become a lawyer but I think that will never happen because I have become really interested in politics and I might go in to that since then I might have a slight chance to make my country better. I mean I want something to change really much in Sweden and to make that happen I need to become a politic.
Now to the thing I never have wanted to have but so suddenly want, it is to have an own family, you all think I have so easy life but I don’t have it so easy. Everyone seems to have it so easy when I look at their families but they have it probably as bad as me. The thing is I never use to speak about my family but now I am pissed off with people telling me that I have it so damn good.
Let me start off with my grandmother, she thinks I am the laziest person on this world, she never ever tells me that she loves me, I have never heard her tell that. She always tells me how I have not succeeded with things. She thinks I should take care of everyone else but not myself. I don’t care because in the end I only care about myself and those I love. But honest should you have to hear that you are a failure because you aren’t married?
Then we can go to my parents that thinks I am a failure because I don’t have a work, a own family but I have an own family it is with myself, at the moment that is my own family and I really need to show things so much, my dad says I never do things with them, but I think I spend too much time with them, sometimes I can’t even stand my own parents. Since when do parents tell you who they want you to get married to, my mum always says I throw away a good marriage because I don’t want to marry one that has money. But I am not in love with him.
Then we have my sister she is nice, to everyone else but not me. She thinks I can do things when she wants but nope, I can’t always do things. I have my own life I need to live it. I can’t always put my life on hold when she calls. She is nice sometimes she is not always as bad as I make is sound. But she does call me bad names that actually do hurt deep down in me. But that is nothing I never tell her. She knows that I get hurt because she knows me.
The only one I really trust in my family is my uncle as I see as my brother and I don’t talk about everything to him because it is so hard to open up yourself. I know he would probably get really angry at people because people tend to hurt me more than they really make me happy.
My friends I don’t even trust I really need to go to someone and learn to trust in people again. I don’t know why I don’t trust in anyone else than myself. I am sick that people makes fun of me, that they really always make a joke of everything, because I am blond, and really don’t get jokes.
I really think back on this year and I notice who was here for me when I was crying because people was mean to me? Who saw that I was hurt? No one knows how effected I was by the things that happen, it really reminded me of my highschool that I tried so hard to not think about! I was called fat when I was not fat, really when I think about it I was probably way too skinny I was as tall as I am today 157,5 cm and weight 35 kg but still I was fat. I am sick that people really make fun of me. I am sick that people never let me be happy. There are always someone that mess up my good things.
Well now to the things I really want to do with my life and that is to be able to help others that have been going through the same things I have been through. I would love to help others that have done a heart operation. Maybe be a psychology, wonder if I would be a good one? I really don’t know if I give good advice since I never give myself any. Or I will go and read to lawyer after I have had two kids, and if I am not too old. Or that might be a good thing because than you know more about life. Well I could always go and be a teacher but I don’t know if I can talk to people I really hate that.
I really hope all the bad things will stop soon as I am sick of being the one that gets everything. Trust me I have more things that I get through here on my home place too, with money, food issues, friends, trust in other people, my heart. I really think I need a long holiday lying on an own island on the beach just being off to everyone just being there thinking what should be best for little me. Since everything seems to be a huge mess in my head. What can be better that that, looking out on the ocean and just hope that things will get better because in the end they will get better? I have faith that there can’t be anymore bad things that will happen to me.
“Follow your heart, but be quiet for a while first. Ask questions, then feel the answer. Learn to trust your heart.”
“I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you”
/ Johanna
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