My letter to my grandpa..

Okay there is something I really am thinking of, can you get over a broken heart, can you go on? From the broken heart you might get?

I know that you can’t go on with a broken heart; I have it always have had it since the 19 of October 2005. That day will always be the day I got heartbroken, I felt like I never wanted to live again, not without you my lovely grandpa that I wanted to become old to see me get married, to see my kids. But that never happen since you got lung cancer, you got to know it the 27 of December 2004. That year with knowing you being in pain was a hard year for me, but I am so lucky I lived in Luleå that time so I could go and visit you every fourth weekend, that I celebrated the last Christmas you where alive with you, to see you two weeks before you died.

The pain never goes away grandpa, I love you so much, I cry when I think about you, I miss you, I want to hear your voice only one more time, I want to see you smile, I don’t want to remember the pain you had, that the cancer took you, why the hell did you decide to tell me that you wanted to have the grave stone you have today? Why did you lie to me and say it was a good cancer when you knew it was the worst cancer you could have? Why did you say I see you next summer Johanna? Why not say goodbye, you knew you would die and leave me and everyone so alone, I thought I was going to break apart the day I knew you would die.

They didn’t let me go to see you because they wanted to spare me the pain but the pain will never go away, it feels like it was yesterday, my heart is not healed yet I miss you even more now than I did the first year you where gone, I haven’t even been at your grave yet? I can’t even go up to grandma because I know I will cry when I go there I am the only one that haven’t been there since you died. I feel like I am a bad grandchild, I haven’t given you flowers I haven’t been there to talk to you.

There is one thing I know for sure the tears never end, the broken heart doesn’t go away, the pain will never be easier, the missing gets worse, the memories doesn’t faint way.. Why are you not here with me? Why did you leave me alone in this world, this world is not the same with you, I know I can’t talk with you ever again, but I do want you to visit me in my dreams my lovely grandpa I miss you so much. I remember when I went up in the mornings just to be with you and watch the news you always looked at and then I went back to bed to sleep before grandma woke up. I miss you giving sweets to me in the car, to talk about how you had it, when you showed me the world, and I asked you a million questions.

Or when you said to grandma I didn’t like jeans and old ladies clothes. I miss the good times with you when we did things. I remember one time when we were on the lake fishing that time I was so happy just you and me on the lake, without anyone else. I was not old I was kinda young but now I can’t do that with you because you are somewhere else. I miss you so much. My heart is broken.

Do you still love me? Do you watch over me?

I can’t even talk about you without crying I just know one thing grandpa I love you so much and I want to be with you. My heart is broken when you aren’t here, I feel lost without you, but you know what I will make you proud of me, I am happy, I am in love and someone loves me, I hope you see that from heaven, even if I have a hard life I know there is one special that loves me grandpa, I hope you smile in heaven when you are with your siblings and parents, I hope you take care of Molle my baby cat.

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