I have started to think about life in general, what is the purpose with life, is it to have all the new things, to pretend to be happy when you are miserable? Honestly people always think I don’t have any kind of problems at all but that is so far from the truth as you can come really. I only hope that things will get better soon and when they have started to become better I will start smiling more and stop hiding pretending that I am so happy because in the dark when I am alone I actually cry more than you know. I have so many things that go in my mind, that it is so surrealistic to be me right now.
So people really think I am so happy, I might have a new phone, live in a good area, and everything but I feel so far from the real Johanna as I can be, I do love live where I live, but I really don’t like living here not here in Sweden not anymore, I wish that I can get enough money so I can buy a house, and start a complete new life with Michael, that is pretty much the only good thing in my life at the moment, I really don’t care where I live as long as it’s not here in Sweden I will miss things that we have in our country like when it starts to become spring and everything starts to get alive again, when you hear the birds sings, and then those lovely summer days where you can sit on the balcony and just relax and enjoy the summer nights, see the sunset go down, well I do miss when the sun doesn’t go down at all as I had when I lived in north Sweden it was so nice in it’s own way. Then when it become to come autumn and all colors go to red and yellow, nothing beats a nice sunny autumn, well summer do beat that, but my favorite time of year is autumn when you can see all those red colors, and yellow, when you walk outside enjoying the day, the only thing that sucks is that it gets darker and darker, and then you have a long wait when winter comes, and you are always waiting for the snow to come to light up the days. Anyway that is pretty much what I would miss from Sweden if I move from the country, but honestly I think our government is a joke, they just do one thing and that is to destroy a country that once was good to live in.
So where can I get that much money that I can pack everything and just start all over in my own house, with four bedrooms, a living room, dining room, a big kitchen and two bathrooms, and most of all a nice easy taken care garden, than my life would be perfect, to be looking out from the house, and all you can see is ocean, and a nice field then you can enjoy life to max, I really just want to go away from people they always want something from you, even if you help them the most of them don’t help you when you want to have help. I really know what I want to do, and that is to open a own business and I know what kind of business too, but if I tell people what kind of business it is people would copy me, and then I wouldn’t get any profit and that would be bad for me, why do this world depends so much on money? I really have been thinking about that, why should everything be so damn expensive, are we going back to the 30’s and 40’s where you did everything on your own farm? Where you have a horse, cows, chickens and lambs and everything else? The weird thing is that I would love that life where you have to work as a farmer, I wouldn’t care about the smell or anything I would actually feel so free, that is so strange, that I would feel so free, when I do take care of the animals, grown my own strawberries, potatoes, salad and everything else you can grow, deep down I love the country but I do want to live close to the city so I can do shopping sometimes, but I would survive without it too, as long as I am happy with those people I have around me, and all I can see right now is that I would be extremely happy in the country house with a huge farm, I feel sorry for the other people Iive around they never really understand my plans, or is it because I never have time to explain what I actually want?
Well I will write down a business plan, for my own company and then just hope for the best that I become successful, I know that is a bad thing to hope for but you should never stop dreaming as the dream is what takes you longer in the further.
Someday I will get everything I have always dreamed of, and that is a happy life, and a house close to the ocean and have a nice view that I would be looking at every day and just smile, and feel this is life.
-Jo
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