Okay really are going to write about my Christmas since I didn’t have the Christmas spirit, for the first it was a bad day when I woke up on Christmas eve, here in Sweden we celebrate it 24. Anyway I woke up and I felt alone even if my whole family was there and it sucked I don’t really know what has happen these days I feel so alone and I can’t explain why either.
Well I did my last Christmas shopping the 23 and I have never ever been so late with my Christmas shopping, then I didn’t get to eat warm ham.
Well Christmas it feels like you can be on your own next year if you feel like I did we where 12 people and I felt more alone than ever. I have tried to figure out why I feel so alone these days but I can’t come up why I feel so alone. It doesn’t matter if I am with just three people or more I just feel so alone and more or less lost in something.
I think I am strange in some things since people don’t really like me as a person this holidays have made me realize that no one really respect what I want as a human being, all I want it to sleep and be in bed and just cry because I can’t come up what is wrong with me. The thing is that I know something is wrong and it is really wrong I don’t feel like a person anymore the thing is I feel more lost than ever and no one knows how bad it is really. Everyone is just telling me that everything is good, I have tried to talk to people that is close because they are the people that can help me I feel I know I probably should talk to those that love me, but honest it is so hard to talk to them, because they only want me to be happy and feel good.
I wonder is there anyone that actually feels like me. So alone even when you have someone that loves you more than anything, your family close, but all you want is to hide and never want anyone to get to you.
I know some people will moan to me, but if you say you know me good, well you should really know when I feel like I do! Yeah I can confess one thing I wouldn´t just go to my friends and say hey I don’t feel good, please help me, I get really quiet and close myself out from the people close to me.
Well now to New Years Eve all I want is to be alone and watch some movie and just hide from the world if this year anyway starts bad maybe next year will start great. Or that is what I am hoping for since last year I was so happy and everything just fall apart in June, I was wrong to be happy so long time, anyway now I am happy too, don’t get me wrong I am just really lost in everything.
My girl mates are moaning to me that I don’t have kids; they want me to become a mum so I can do things with them. Oh yeah one is getting married this year so everyone guess what they are pressuring me to do, yeah you do guess right if you said to get married since they all are going to do that.
Well I guess all the talk that my so called friends are giving me is the best thing to give a person that is lost as I am. Well one person got a divorce and then she has already a new one well this person is actually telling me to get a boyfriend that loves me for me and lives close to me. Well I am not so good at relationships when I think about it I have had one boyfriend before the person I have now. Anyway that relationship wasn’t so good lucky me he was gay no comment why he even was with me when he knew he was it. Just my luck I guess. Then my girl friends doesn’t understand when I say that you can’t trust in a guy but who can blame me that person I was with didn’t love me at all he was in to guys. So I have a bad experience with relationship.
Oh yeah than I had that idiot person on facebook that mailed me an inbox telling me that he wants me to forget my boyfriend that I love more than anything, so he can take me, only gonna say that I would really take him instead I mean he is from Africa somewhere oh yeah as we all know, Johanna wouldn't take anyone that is from Africa! Fucking idiot really destroyed my so good holiday more then anything, If i had a gun and was close to that person I would have shot him and don't even regret it, damn i sound like a cold bloody murderer good that it was just in my head.
Now my New Years Eve will rock when I am in bed all alone thinking of better times. Nothing beats to be alone with your great brain that always tells you that everything is going to be okey in the end.
I hope people have had a great Christmas and haven’t been thinking as much as I have.
Oh yeah to those that reads this don’t freak out, I am just a bit lost in my life right now..
Peace out!
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