what is in my head

Okay I will write about something that I never really talk about
and that is how it is to really is to be me, as no one really
knows how it is to be me.

I've always had my family close to me, but they never know
how bullied I was in school as I never told them, they think
I've had friends but the thing is that I never had more than one
and that friend is not my mate today, as she lied to me
every time. She never was honest with me, she trashed talked
me to everyone and I don't know why she did it?

In school I was there but never really happy, the teacher never
said to the others that they should stop bulling me,
they just cared about the grades, I saw one girl getting an A
in english but she should have got an D. I don't know but they
made me keep quiet about it as it would destory her choice to go
to college.

Than when someone liked me, that was really strange as they always
ended up hitting, me, tease me because of my last name, the thing
is that I've never had a true real friend until I met Andreas.

He is really nice and I can talk to him about almost everything but
the thing is that he don't understand how it is to be me, really
I can be the bitch people never know anything about. If you tend to
be mean to me I can be ten times worse as the only thing I have learned
in Highschool was to protect me.

I have only open up myself to one person in this world and that is one
I haven't regret as that person is the one that really have taught
me what love is about, what a friendship should be about.

But the thing is when I am here now alone in my bed with my sisters cat
Chanel I just feel so alone, and I don't know why I feel more alone now than
I ever have felt, in my whole life, I didn't feel so alone when my granddad
died, when my friend turend out to be the biggest liar in this world, or
when Jonas my ex cheated on me, that was probably the time I ended up thinking
I will always be alone, as no one can stand me, or love me, and I even gave up
the thinking of having a own family..

but today I have started to think about family and others things, but the
thing is that I have taught me so much this last year about myself.

I shall thank everyone that bullied me 'cause they made me stronger, they
made me get to know myself better than everyone else have.

I have decided to what I want to do with my life finally, and what I want to become
what I want with my life and for the friend that lied to me, that is one
person that never ever will come in to my life, and she can take her family and
boyfriend and go to the other side of Sweden. She is not worth my time.