What can you do when you feel broken inside because you really just want to be the person you know you aren’t I want to be the person that always makes the right thing, and never make a mistake, but what would that make me? A person that don’t learn anything because we all learn from the mistakes we do.
When I look in my yearbook I don’t feel that I am in the right place I feel wrong. No one liked me no one was my true friend, I know that today as they don’t even bother to say hello when we walk on the street, Even how much they hated me that doesn’t hurt as much as other things.
my mates that I have now tells me that I have become a girly girl I don’t know if I really have become that person that they say as I just don’t care about how I look, I just take what is closest to the hand so sometimes I have broken clothes on me, sometimes I have a dress
This blog post I am writing while I am having closed eyes and listen to music so you have to excuse me for it being as messy as it is the feeling the songs give me.
When we get born is the day our death day writes in the stars, and our time on earth is counted. I was at my grandmother in Finland and she doesn’t want to live anymore she thinks she has done her things here on earth.
Honest we try to change as a person always but do we change to the better? I think we change to the worse as kids we were innocent but as time went on we stopped being innocent and become who we are today.
All I want to do is to is on a dark place and look up to the stars and just think how beautiful it is to see them, and walk there and be peacefully happy.
Time is something I don’t have enough of. I wish I could cut myself to many pieces so I get the time to do all the things I want, I want to do so many things but I don’t seem to have the time to do them and that is the worst thing.
This song that I have on now reminds me of a wedding I was on as they had this song as a wedding dance, fives until the time is through, I will always remember my friend’s smile that she had on her bug day, and I will always remember how she reacted when she lost her kid. It was her happiest year and the worst as she says her self.
Now I have on chris brown that leads me to all the food memories I have with my little sister that I love more than anything, but the thing she don’t know that as I never tell her that. I remember how we played with our dolls and she made me do it for hours as she didn’t have so many friends herself, and for some weeks ago I found a old school book of my well where I have write things and she had wrote in the book, “I have the best sister in the world, she is so smart and I look up to her, because I am so stupid”
My sister is not stupid far from it, but we don’t tend to tell each other how we feel, and that scares me to death that I can’t tell to the person I truly love that I love him, as I have hard to talk about feeling, but somehow I will win over my fears.
Now to the song that my parents and my other family always tease me about the final countdown with Europe, I actually sat and listen to this song for eight hours every day for weeks over and over as I loved it, poor mum and dad, on repeat always. But this is the first song I have learned to sing funny enough it wasn’t a children song it was a rock song from the 80’s and this I blame my sweet loving uncle for as he liked them and made me nuts about them too.
Oh I wish I could turn back the time to the last summer I had with my grandpa, I was there all summer and I miss him so much, I was in his home this summer for nearly two weeks, and I saw photos of him everywhere, everyone seems to have forgot him and don’t miss him so much as me, and it doesn’t help when you realize that your own grandmother doesn’t like you (mums side) trust me I got bullied there by her. She has photos of everyone else in the family but not me, she has put them in the closet somewhere hide them, how can my nan be so mean to me? All I know is that I will never go up there anymore time, I don’t want to be there and miss my grandpa so much as I did, and then be hated from the other one, she even said my other nan isn’t important, and she is as important and her.
Why in hell has everything in my life been so hard? I tend to lose people I care the most about and love the most, then those that hates me stays here on earth and bug me more than anything?
Sometimes I wish that I wasn’t me, just be someone else and don’t have as bad baggage as I have.
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