Why is it so hard to talk about your feelings? Why do you
feel hurt by some things? Why can’t I just tell the truth about some things?
I am going to try to write down what I actually feel for
once just for once it is so much easier to talk to this blog than to open my
mouth and talk about it, I don’t know if I can talk about some certain things
without getting sad or cry.
Those who knows me deeply should know that I am not the
happy person that always smile, that doesn’t have a problem in the world, I am
thinking so much about things I can’t talk about, I feel like nothing works as
it should be working in my mind.
The thing that worries me the most is actually that I am
feeling so good but still I can feel how my heart beats and when it beats
wrong, and for the record it hurts like hell when it does that, I can’t open up
myself to anyone about my heart not a single person knows how much I think
about that, and how much it actually affect me in my daily life.
I am afraid that my heart will stop beating in my sleep,
or that it will beat to hard that it hurts and I will start to cry, I don’t like
to cry when my heart is in pain, as it makes me feel un normal, not healthy but
I am always ill, no one really knows how much of my mind actually think about
it.
The heart issue I have is one of the common thing you can
have, a hole in the heart, I am operated for it, but what has happen after my
operation is that my heart is to big in some places, and my hole is still
leaking even if I am operated, and that leads to how I feel today. I am scared every single day but no one knows
that, only me and that is something I really don’t like to talk about. I just
can’t talk about my heart to anyone, I don’t want to worry others, as much as I
can’t open to say what I feel about it.
When you like someone or love someone you can get hurt by
so little things, I know that for a fact, I see it every day with my friends,
and how I feel sometimes when I see some things I don’t want to see, but
somehow sees them. Like when they say I love you to someone else, or when they
start to tell you how hot another girl is, or that someone has better looking
arse than you etc, I don’t get why you feel like that, but somehow you do, and
I guess that makes you human.
When I think about it and think back on things I never
got this hurt by the others I have liked, well when I think back I don’t think
I never liked them fully, I know for a fact that I never have loved anyone as I
love Michael, or has liked anyone the way I like him. But the thing is when you start to like
someone that much you tend to get hurt by the silly things ever.
Well I can only talk for myself and that is that I would
never confess what makes me get a bit sad or what I get hurt by, as it is just
silly things in the end. That makes you think about other bigger problems you
have in life.
So why on earth is it so hard to talk about your deepest
thoughts and what you feel, and why on earth is it only me that keeps that
quiet about my problems, I just wish I would be able to talk about some of the
things as I talk about them in my blog. Trust
me silence has a meaning and most of the times it is not the best thing, but
sometimes it can be a good thing to be silent.
Silence is a true friend who
never betrays. -Confucius
